I think, no, to be fully honest- I know- that for a long time I ignored
most if not all of the feelings that I dealt with from the very beginning of my
cancer story. Trust me when I say that I discovered that I had a lot more varied
emotions than I thought I did. While I know that emotions are a good thing, they
can also be an annoyance.
When I scheduled the appointment for my physical not long after
celebrating my 50th birthday if I felt any emotion over it they were mostly
annoyance over the interruption, acceptance that it was something that needed to
be done and impatience that it was causing me to have to put off what I really
wanted to be doing instead. But being the somewhat responsible person that I was
brought up to be, I kept the appointment. I even made it through the
embarrassing parts with minimum discomfort. I was a big girl, I could handle
that annual physical then go on with what I wanted to be doing. When the doctor
told me that since I was now 50, he thought I needed to have a mammogram I
shrugged. Another something or other to endure. I'll admit that there was that
"No worries it won't happen to me" attitude. There was the "No history known to
me in my family- nothing to fear here" yes, a bit of arrogance mixed with denial
and a bit of ignorance. Still, I agreed to having the mammogram done and the
appointment was made. I was told when and where and I smiled and nodded a lot
thinking the entire time that I need to find this place.
I have never hesitated in admitting that I am lousy, really terribly
lousy at directions. I have been told that I could not find my way out of a
paper bag placed on its side. After asking friends and family and even going
online to get directions I got in the car and headed out to find it. Confusion
reigned. Even though this was an area of town where I travel a fair amount it
isn't normally down this road. There are a lot of doctor's offices and other
buildings along the way as well as many side roads leading to more doctor's
offices and various buildings. I had to find the right route to the right
building to the right office. With maps spread out and directions playing like a
broken record in my head I was growing frustrated until I managed to find the
place that I feared I had passed. Driving around the building I saw exactly
where I needed to go. For a while peace was in control.
The day of the test I got in the car confident that this was going to be
a simple get it over and done with thing and that I wouldn't have to worry about
it again for a year. Nerves were stretched a bit tight only because I wanted to
remember exactly how to get where I was going and get there on time. Walking in
the building and finding the right place I began to over come the nerves and
while still polite as I had been taught to be the "not going to happen to me"
cockiness was returning. Dealing with the paperwork I sat and waited fighting
the boredom that comes with sitting in any doctor's waiting area. Hearing my
name I followed where I was lead and then walked into a small dressing area.
Following the directions given I waited ignoring the growing fear of the unknown
and fear of being embarrassed. I have never been any competition for Dolly
Parton and have even through my life been teased about my lack of endowment. I
also feared the pain to come. By the time my turn came I had worked myself into
a state of nerves, cold sweat ran down my back as I followed once again.
Mammograms are uncomfortable. There is a certain degree of discomfort and
pain along with the embarrassment of having to go through it in the first place.
I know me-I know that when these emotions come into play I try to cover them up
by talking. When I start talking under these circumstances the brain just takes
a mini-vacation. I never really know what may come out of my mouth. After the
last image was taken I was lead back to the dressing room, shown the easiest
route out and told to have a good day. Relief- sweet sweet relief.
That didn't last long.
When after another round of images, a needle biopsy and then surgical
biopsy showed that I did indeed have breast cancer my all too neat world
changed. I had grown up in a home where we were protected, instructed,
sheltered. We grew up in a time of self-sufficient entertainment. Childhood
emotions had matured, some had been left behind while others just lay dormant.
Until now. I still believe that I took the news rather well. On the outside
anyway. I was calm, controlled, confident in the ability of my doctor. I smiled
at all the right times, answered her questions in I thought all the right ways.
Lets get this done and over with.
I thought I had been confused in trying to find the imaging center. After
what seemed like a thousand and one questions, lots of tests, getting poked and
prodded and asked even more questions I was seriously confused and lost. I was
also tired.
The day of my surgery there was a degree of fear, but I still believe a
lot of that was born out of a history of reading supermarket tabloids and seeing
the horror stories within. It was a bit entertaining meeting all the people that
would be a part of my surgery and dealing with all of the particulars. There was
the ever present confusion, there was the attack of nerves, there was the pain
that came with certain preparations. At all times there was this outward calm
while on the inside I was a cauldron of emotions. The nervous feeling was tinged
with a tad bit of excitement. This was something new and different.
Afterward when I was finally back at home I went straight to my bed and
pretty much stayed there for two days. Sick is not really an emotion but that is
what I was.
I was taught that if you have a job, you need to be there working that
job. Two days after y surgery I was back at work. I now had to deal with what
ever treatments was to come. Along with the impatience, the frustrations, the
aggravation of wanting this all over with and behind me. I really am a bit daft
at times.
During the course of my treatments there were times that I wanted to
crawl into a dark spot and hide, just for a while. I didn't want to deal with it
at that moment, or any other moment. I wanted it to have never happened, I
wanted everything to go away. Then I would quit feeling sorry for myself and be
thankful-yes- thankful for having cancer. Now I had an understanding about what
people were going through. I feared that I would need chemotherapy, feared
losing my hair even though I complain about it on a regular basis. I was so
tired that trying to put one foot in front of the other n some days felt like
the biggest challenge ever. I am a serious chocoholic, but during treatments all
manner of 'junk' food was taboo. If I tried to eat chocolate or drink anything
with caffeine I paid for it. I was angry that I couldn't enjoy the things I
wanted.
There were times I felt ignored and alone. I knew I wasn't, but it seemed
that way. My very first Relay for Life event, at two in the morning as I walked
around that track it was so very quiet. The people walking spoke to each other
in muted tones. Many walked in pairs or even more. I could hear their laughter
and whispers. I on the other hand was walking alone. I was walking alone and I
felt alone. Looking up into the night sky it seemed like I could see into
forever. The thousands of stars shining down had me feeling not a little
insignificant. I was alone on that track, I was alone in facing my cancer
treatments.
To this day I know that I still distance myself a bit from others. I dealt
with it pretty much alone then. I deal with the feelings that come now after all
this time. I'm getting better though-
Everyone who is diagnosed with cancer is going to face their own emotions.
Like the kaleidoscope toy we had as kids where the thousands of colors and
shapes with in shifted and moved to form new shapes and designs that is our
emotions. We face them, deal with them, work through them. Our personalities and
support systems will determine how difficult that task is and how long it may
take to make our way along and through them. There are people more than willing
and able to help--we don't have to fear those emotions and we don't have to go
it alone..even when we think we do.
