Recently I received a message about some of the things I write. I was told that my writing was very helpful in the senders own struggles. I have in the past tried to explain that a lot of the things I write, are meant more to help, to encourage than to sound like a self-pity party. What I am about to share here, I hope does not make me sound a tad across the line into crazy. It is difficult sometimes to explain about inner demons and problems, to those who haven't struggled witih them, but for those of us who have, this may make sense. What I hope, is that it will show that we all have an inner strength that we may not realize. That with prayer and faith, we can fight our individual demons. As I am battling mine.
Over the weekend I did something, or rather didn't do something, that has people who know me, scratching their head and wondering who this person is. Trust me, there are days I wonder the same thing. A couple of days back, I found out that my favorite country band in the universe known and unknown was going to be practically in my bad yard. Less than an hour away and doing a free show. And I didn't go. My son was ready to drop everything and take me, but I said no. I told him that I would much rather he get my washing machine repaired, I have laundry waiting. He kept asking and I kept telling him the same thing, repair the washer. To be fair, I really do want my washer repaired, I do have laundry waiting. I have certain articles of clothing that I wear to work, and most of those are dirty. But the washer is nearing or just over ten years old and there is ten years of rust that is refusing to allow that one large bolt to break free.
But, this isn't about a stubborn washer, this is about why I did not attend a concert, or why I don't get in the car and drive to places I'd like to go. Its about why, when I do go somewhere, I tend to sit at the back, away from others, quietly watching what ever is going on around me. It is why, I don't get up and go to events that I would love to attend, car shows, baseball games, festivals. Why, I don't go to green ways that are designed to hike and are free. It is why, even as I imagine myself at all of these places, even talk about going to these things, I sit right here.
It is because I am battling my own personal demons. Fear and anxiety. Related, yet different. There is also those internal demons that tell me I'm not good enough or pretty enough or worthy or any of the other feelings that allow us to feel good about ourselves. There are times when I feel so very lonely. Even more so, I feel abandoned. For a while, I was angry with my husband, but he had no choice in his leaving. It was his time, he was called home and he went. But then, nearly everyone else has left as well. While everyone else has gone on about their lives (which is not wrong) I sit here, wishing, dreaming, hoping. I realize it has been a little over two years. I realize that maybe, just maybe most of them think I should be over it by now. I am, and yet I'm not. Then, when I really stop and think about it, and am totally honest, there is the depression. That sadness that tries to overwhelm me and drag me down and drown me in the darkness. It is what you get when you blend everything else together and stir well. And it sucks.
Right this moment as I write this, my son, my nephew-in-law and his son, are out there trying to break loose a rusted nut in that washing machine. I listened to the banging, the grunts, the dropped tools, the discussions. They keep fighting, not ready or willing to give in to the challenge.
One can say that there is a big difference in using brute strength to break loose a rusted nut and fighting mental and emotional demons. That is and is not true in my opinion. Both, take a lot of strength. Both, you are fighting to reach a goal. The tools that they are using are wrenches, ratchets, a blowtorch (yes, I walked away at the sight of that one) and all the muscles that they can strain to try for success.
In my battle, one that I refuse to give in to, I will use the tools I have at hand. In my Bible, are multiple verses dealing with fear, anxiety, sadness, and where and how to overcome them. There are verses on where my strength lies. Promises that even when I feel alone, I'm not. Where peace awaits, where my shelter is. Promises that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. My Bible, is my roadmap, my how to book, my life's guide. In these pages, I can, do and will find all I need to overcome the demons of my mind.
I have my church family to spend time with. It is my fault alone that I don't go other than Sunday mornings. Going more, would give me a stronger will and greater foundation.
I have my blood family, who are here and ready to help as they are able when I call.
I have my Savior to whom I can pray. Pray for guidance. Prayers for peace, for comfort, for strength. Prayers that with Him, I will have the strength to put one foot before the other. That with my next breath I will be more able to face the next moment without fear. Prayers that I'll find the ability and courage to get in my car and go somewhere. It doesn't matter if I go alone, I can enjoy events just as well that way. I can arrive when I wish, do what I wish and leave when I am ready. Prayers to silence the inner demons, that instead of them, I will hear the voice of my Savior speaking to me. That I will hear the words to the hymns I love. That I can recite the verses that will strengthen me and give me the peace and strength that I need to overcome every fear and anxiety that wants to attack and drag me down into the storm and darkness. Because my God, is stronger than any storm the demons can come up with.
