Wishes, Dreams and Resignation of the heart

Today, like for so many others, was my first day back at work after the Independence Day holiday. We had a week off. I'll be honest, I am glad to have a job, but there are times, I wish things were different.

When the alarm went off this morning I hit the snooze button, three times. I got away with that because I set the alarm to get me up two hours before I need to be up. I finally forced myself from the bed and into get ready mode. I went ahead this morning and got ready even down to packing my lunch rather than wait to the last minute which is my usual habit. I left the house early enough that I could take my time. I was in no hurry to go back.

 When I finally walked in the door of the plant it was almost a complete sensory overload. The smells were suffocating. I could smell the oils and other lubricants that are meant to keep the machines running smoothly. I smelled the different raw materials located around the area I walked. The smells of wool, cotton, acrylics and plastics all mingling together to the point of being over powering. The myriad of colors staged along the way should have been beautiful in my eyes like they usually are, but they weren't, not today.

 As I crossed the building to the department I work in my desires were to be anywhere but there. I did not want to be trapped inside those brick walls. I wanted to be outside, I wanted to be walking the trails around the lake, up and around Spencer Mountain or following a green way somewhere. I wanted the smells that I was experiencing to be the fresh earth, the vegetables from my garden, the flowers in my front yard, the woods behind my house.. anything but this.

I knew soon the machines would be started back up and the building would be filled with the sounds of many motors and other working parts. As one who works there, I know that is supposed to be a good sound. As someone who was wanting to be elsewhere, what I wanted to hear was not n the building but outside. I wanted to hear the bull frogs, the tree frogs and the crickets. I wanted to hear the various birds calling through the trees. I wanted to hear and to feel the wind blowing. I wanted to hear the water in the creek splashing over the rocks.

 I saw the colors of the materials, glow in the dark bright, but not what I wanted to see today. I wanted to see the green of my garden, spotted with the colors of vegetables ripening. I wanted to see the many flowers, planted and wild growing in my yard and surrounding area. I wanted to see the blue sky and the yellow of the flowers blooming where the pond water should be.

When the machines start I'll be helping get everything running as it should be. After a week down there will be machines that want to be cantankerous and not start easily. How I wished that I had other talents, that my photography was better and not so amateurish. That it was worthy of being published and that an agent would discover my abilities. In the photography or writing. How much desire is within my heart that my words were better, that they stirred more to action, to think, to feel. That some how I could find the strength, the belief, the way to make dreams happen.

Instead, responsible employee that I am, I took a deep breath, put away the wishes that things were different and went to work. The machines started, all but the two that decided that eight in the morning was too early to begin. Everyone went back to work, few complaints were made, resignation, its a sad state to be..