Count down to 60-------------------------------------------------Why?

Right after my fiftieth birthday, in 2007, I had a physical. I had not had one in a while and I figured it was time that I broke down and did something that is recommended to be done annually. It was at then end of the physical that my doctor told me I should have a mammogram. Up until then he had told me he didn't think it necessary, something about dense tissue..I didn't argue, I had heard and read  the reports about needing mammograms so I told them to go ahead and set up the appointment. Dang it if they didn't find cancer. It was so very small the surgeon was surprised they had spotted it. But, they did and she saw it and it all added up to surgery and radiation treatments with a couple of years following on medication.

Now here we are, all those years down the road and as far as I know now, I'm healthy as anyone can be. Every year I have a mammogram, every year I have a follow up with the surgeon and every year I've come back healthy and no signs of cancer.

Why?

I have changed my diet. I do eat healthier, more fruits, vegetables, and lean meats. My son has even convinced me that we don't need meat all of the time, it should be an occasional addition he is right and there are other ways to get protein besides meat. I've basically cut out drinking soda. The only time you will see me with any kind of soda is if I'm not feeling well and its the only thing that will sit on my stomach. I still drink my coffee (now black unless we're out somewhere and its too strong) otherwise it s lots of water.  I've even cut back on the junk food that I love so well-- that part is not easy. I so love chocolate, but I know that when I break down I can only buy one candy bar, if I buy more I will binge eat until its all gone. Right now the only candy I'm eating is the big reeces peanut butter cup after grocery shopping. Everyone deserves a treat if you survive walmart without losing control at some point.

I have a physical job, but I try, weather permitting, to walk. I love hiking our woods and seeking out photographic subjects. I have a manual treadmill and elliptical here in the house but they aren't much fun to be truthful.

I'm working on stress control. Deep breathing, prayers, calming music, videos or movies that make me laugh, writing, anything that will help keep me calm and in control of the moment.

Yes, I'm trying to keep myself healthy........ but......

so have many others, many others who battled cancer again and again.

Many others, who have left us, because of the cancer.

Why?

So many of these people had many more friends, many more who loved them and will forever have a hole in the heart because they are gone from this life. You see the proof of this, on social media, meeting others on the street, signs along the way. People are hurting, because of those lost. They were there, beside of them every step of the way, encouraging them, praying for them, lifting them up every single day. They were there, ready and willing to help in any and every way possible. Yet still, in the end, there was nothing more they could do and the ones they love, were lost.

So many people, going through treatment after treatment, surgery after surgery, trying all manner of medications, methods, prayers..fighting as hard as they could possibly fight every single time. Thinking, praying, believing that this time they beat it, only to have it return yet again. Returning, until there was no more fight left.

Why?

Am I still here

Am I still healthy?

When those who were loved so deeply and will be missed so terribly are not?

No, I do not write this seeking anything other than understanding. I don't write to try and get attention to me and away from others. I do not write this, seeing sympathy.. sympathy for being healthy?? no.

I seek only to understand why those who were loved so deeply, who had such beautiful lives, are gone and I am here..

Did they fulfill their purpose? Their lives of love, of strength, of courage, of hope. Their lives, being warriors against a fierce foe that seeks only to stop them from fulfilling their reason. Yet, every day, every single day, they continued until they could continue no more.

We all have a purpose, a reason for being. Nothing is simply by chance. We are not here, simply floating through life and then one day we're gone. There is something we are here to accomplish.

So I wonder, why am I still here, still healthy and what is it, that I am supposed to be doing? What is my purpose? Even as I think of those now gone, even as I sit, mourning their loss, applauding their courage and honoring their life. I only hope, that as I walk this walk, traveling this road of life, I can be as brave, as strong and as hopeful as I seek to find and fulfill what it is I am here for.