I say a lot
online. Maybe I share too much at times. But as much as I have said
about my personal battle with cancer and how I know it could have been
much worse. How I know that God was with me every step of the way and
that there was a purpose for the battle, there are things that I tend to
keep quiet. Some things I hint about or only mention parts of, for
reasons of my own. Then there is the one thing that I don't mention at
all. Oh some of my posts may have given it away to some that are aware
of the signs and understand recognizing them for what they are. Yet not
saying anything, waiting for me to bring it up first. Others just take
the posts at face value and move on. Which is fine.
I do not like feeling weak. This makes me feel weak.
In 2008 I was diagnosed with and underwent treatments for breast
cancer. It was a physical enemy with physical and medical ways to fight
it. I knew too that I was not battling it alone. As I said, God was with
me, as was my family and friends. I have a mammogram every year and
every year they come back clean and clear. What I have is the memory and
knowledge of what I went through and how blessed I am to be able to sit
here and write about it or to talk about it with others.
This other though...this other makes me a bit crazy. Not my usual crazy
where I crack jokes that a lot of people don't understand due to my
weird sense of humor. (Thanks Dad- love you) Due to that, my immaturity
and my social ineptness, I was not one of the most popular kids in
school. Living out here in the sticks away from everyone didn't help
much. It got lonely..but you deal with it. I have made some mistakes in
my life that I'm not proud of, but I know I'm forgiven for. Even though I
know that I'm forgiven, I don't mingle with a lot of people because of
the fear that a comment may be made, a judgement or even a sideways
glance letting me know that they remember (yes, I have gotten one or two
of those). So instead of joining I go home..and wish and sink. I know
my limitations...even if they are only the ones made up in my head
because of my fears..and I sink.
Yeah, sink. I've been battling depression. I don't go sit in a dark
room and cry. I have held a pity party or two and those are no fun.
People don't have time or desire to join in on something like that and I
don't blame them. I don't want to do it either. But I have. I sit and
feel like a failure. I sit and feel like a loser. I sit and wonder why
no one wants to sit with me during breaks at work or call me asking if I
want to go do something. I miss my husband who is gone almost all the
time but I can't tell him because he gets angry-- not at me-- but at the
fact that this is the only job that he could find that would accept him
without that High School diploma. And it keeps him away all the time.
He misses being here and I know that. Neither of us are making a lot of
money and are still dealing with bills that were formed when I was in my
medical battle and when he was out of work at the same time. There are
things that I want to do, but feeling the loner, failure, I don't.
Which then makes me feel worse.
Today, maybe in part because of all the rain I was really feeling bad. I
felt at loose ends, drifting with no purpose. The darkness was really
bad. So I posted a comment online, grabbed my cameras and hit the woods.
Many of you know, I grew up on this road, in this very house. I know
these woods, these woods have been my hiding place and my healing place
many times. During the cancer battle I walked nearly every day, every
day there was something different for me to see and photograph. Simple
beauty. Peaceful beauty. I felt His presence with me as I walked and
healed. At work during that time it was all I could do to put one foot
in front of the other, until I got to my woods. Its different there.
Today, when I was really fighting and losing I knew where I had to go. I
was blessed with just enough time.
I went down the trail that in some of my past writings I called
Daredevil Hill because of how we road anything with wheels down seeing
who could go the fasted and come the closest without going into the
creek at the bottom. I walked around the pond that dad had built,
finding the fist bit of solace there. I love that place, I love the
sound and look of the water and the dragonfly that dance around down
there. I stood on the bridge for a while just being. I then left and
went around to my brother's deer field. Instead of simply crossing it as
I usually do I went up the trail going in the opposite direction that I
usually do then back down, across and up the other side. I thought
about following the creek but it was too dark in the woods to get any
good photographs so I climbed the hill and followed the path I normally
do. The one thing that annoyed me, I'm wondering if God told all of
those spiders to spin their webs at the height just perfect for me to
run into face first.
when I reached the large power lines that cross the dirt road and
onward I glanced around. Off in the distance I could see storm clouds,
again. I shook my head and looked around at the wildflowers growing
nearby. One of them had an interesting looking insect lurking there so I
took a couple of photos and moved away. Turning back I looked once more
at the storm clouds gathering. There, where there was none just moments
before, was a rainbow. So simple, so soft, so beautiful, so much the
reminder. He is with us, He makes promises that He keeps. We are not
ever alone, even and especially when we feel the loner, loser, failure. I
lifted my camera and fired off several shots and then moved forward
shooting as I went. I then tried to quickly move around to the other
side of the power line tower. Ripping my arm repeatedly by the briars I
was fighting my way through I got to a point where I tried to get a few
more shots. By then the rainbow was fading, but I had seen it. I had
seen and been reminded of the Promise.
I made my way up to the Dirt Road and started back toward the house.
One of the people that live on the road, who I have known forever, who I
respect and think the world of, allows me to wander about his yard
taking photographs. He has the enormous butterfly bush. When I got to
his house I saw there was a butterfly on the small bush that grows at
the end of his driveway. When I moved around to the side of the house I
was again over joyed. The big bush was covered in butterfly. I can only
hope for the time when mine will be big enough to attract them as this
one does. I started taking pictures and smiling the entire time.
As in my battle with cancer, I was reminded today through the gifts
given to me during my walk, I know I am not alone. Even when I still sit
by myself during breaks at work, when no one calls asking if I want to
hang out, go somewhere, play a hand of cards (do people still do that?)
I'm going to be fine. I know the Great Physician, I know the Comforter, I
know, the peace and the love of the Father.
No comments:
Post a Comment