Celebrating you and all that you were.

 You've been gone a year and a half, that feels like yesterday and yet it feels like forever since you left.  The other day I was scrolling across social media and saw a meme that said something to the effect of did you ever think of how if one person had not come along, how different you would be. I didn't really pay it much attention at that moment, it was the next day that realization dawned. How, over the course of the thirty-five years that we were a part of each other, how I have changed.
When I met you, I had just returned from Louisiana and a bad relationship. The moment we saw each other, something sparked. Having just escaped bad, I was worried yet, I was young and still a bit fearless. We quickly went from meeting, to living together to married. For just a few weeks over thirty-two years we were man and wife. What a life we had.
We both went from having nothing, to having a home, some property, a son, and memories precious and dear. I went from not working, to full time employment. the job I have now, I just celebrated my twenty-eight year anniversary. I won't get financially rich there, but I'm more than wealthy in friends, experience,  and knowledge. No other job I've held has lasted anywhere near this long.
 You were not sure of why I felt driven to write, but you cheered me on with the books that I self published. My photography obsession you supported and encouraged, even buying me a camera and some accessories along the way. You knew that I loved to paint, and create personalized clothing. You even wore a piece or two.
 I am, who I am, because you were the person you were.
You taught me bravery, because when you couldn't find a job after the bakery closed, you did what you had to do and learned an entirely new lifestyle. You went from having barely gone anywhere, to criss crossing this country multiple times. You not only thought out of the box, you were out. You not only left your comfort zone, you left the entire region of that zone. You would call from time to time needing assistance on finding a place since you didn't have any internet access, but you showed me true courage.
 You taught me patience. waiting for you to come home, waiting for you to decide what you wanted to wear to church or where we were going to eat. all of those times when you were deliberately being annoying to test me.
 You taught me better responsibility. when you went over the road, I had to take over everything here. I learned how to better balance the check book, how to make sure that bills were paid and things we needed ordered. How to have all we needed at any given time. I learned how to do minor repairs or rig the things I couldn't fix alone until you got home.
 You taught me ways to have fun. We went on so many vacations. We laughed, we played, we searched for souvenirs, we wore ourselves out and were always ready to get back home. We did things around here that were as mini vacations, down to the local park, festivals, movies. any time we were together.
You taught me contentment. We could sit on the porch and just enjoy each other's company. We could soak in the love and smile, knowing, that what we had was special.
A year and a half, a long time, but also just a blip on the radar of life. How special you were, how special you are, how special you made our life.
I miss you, but I know you're happy now. Still yet, I celebrate all that you were, and all that you taught me.

How can one feel friggin' so alone? and what do you do about it?

 Here we are, on the eve of eighteen months since you've been gone. I'm sitting here, doing my best not to fall into a private pity party, and at the same time wondering, how could it have been eighteen months already? It seems like just this afternoon that I got that call. I remember the voice, I remember the words, I remember with the greatest of clarity the feelings. The shock, the numbness, the denial all warring against each other as all I wanted to do was scream out that it wasn't true, but I was still at work, I couldn't do that. I had to remain in control, I had to let the people I work with get out of the department while I sat alone in the lab, waiting on a call that would either tell me that there had been a mistake or confirm the words that you were gone. The department manager came in to check on me, when I told her she offered to drive me home or in the least follow me home. But I wanted to just drive. I waited, then decided I had to get home, I had to get to James.
 James I found out, already knew. they had called here and spoken with him. How I wish, oh how I wish I had been the one to tell him, but then too, he won't have that memory. He won't at some point down the way remember that I was the one telling him you were gone. I don't know how Deanna found out. I had tried and tried to get in touch with her, but she finally called me in tears. Someone told her..
 Now here I sit, alone. James is in the other end of the house downloading something on his computer, Deanna no longer talks to me. I don't want to bother any of the family. They've all got their own concerns so there isn't any reason to add mine to theirs. The people I work with are friends, but work friends. Even though there is one who is in the same situation as I am, she has her own heartache to face and deal with. I have over 2000 friends on social media, but there isn't a single one that I can pick up the phone and call, even if I had their phone numbers. Not because they wouldn't take the call, but so many have their own issues to handle and I refuse to burden anyone with mine.
 But today, this day, I would be so tempted. Night has fallen, a blanket of dark hiding the light that I so crave. The dark, bringing out the dark in the form of my sadness. Because I am alone, and tonight, at this moment, not just alone, but lonely. There are many things that I want to do, that I'd love to do, that I need to do, but not tonight. I have a pocket calendar where I've been making notes of things that are going on, festivals, carnivals, special events, things that if I get up the nerve to go alone, will drag me out of the house. Its just that alone word.
I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, I don't want to feel sorry for me. I want that inner strength that I see so many people have.  And yes, I do know that as a Christian, I am not really alone, I have the Lord with me always and that in truth does help, but the weak human side of me keeps reminding me that you are gone and there is no one physically here for me. So I'm battling my own human failings, I'm battling fear, I'm battling loneliness, I'm battling missing you. So many battles going on and I never considered myself a fighter.
 I know that you told me repeatedly, right after you told me that you knew you were going to go first and asked up not to forget you, you told me that you didn't want me to remain alone. That you wanted me to find someone else. Right now, I don't know if that is ever going to happen. I know that if its in God's plan that it will and that I just have to be patient and wait. I'm trying, but nights like tonight, when there is no one to talk with. No one to share funny stories, no one to listen to me moan about stuff and me listen to their stories. No one, period.
 Maybe, its because of the day, that I'm feeling this way. Maybe, I feel as if I've let people down.  Maybe, I am just so very tired.
Tomorrow, Lord willing, will be better. Tomorrow, the sky will brighten, the day will still be warm, and I will be out and about and not sitting here so friggin alone.