How can one feel friggin' so alone? and what do you do about it?

 Here we are, on the eve of eighteen months since you've been gone. I'm sitting here, doing my best not to fall into a private pity party, and at the same time wondering, how could it have been eighteen months already? It seems like just this afternoon that I got that call. I remember the voice, I remember the words, I remember with the greatest of clarity the feelings. The shock, the numbness, the denial all warring against each other as all I wanted to do was scream out that it wasn't true, but I was still at work, I couldn't do that. I had to remain in control, I had to let the people I work with get out of the department while I sat alone in the lab, waiting on a call that would either tell me that there had been a mistake or confirm the words that you were gone. The department manager came in to check on me, when I told her she offered to drive me home or in the least follow me home. But I wanted to just drive. I waited, then decided I had to get home, I had to get to James.
 James I found out, already knew. they had called here and spoken with him. How I wish, oh how I wish I had been the one to tell him, but then too, he won't have that memory. He won't at some point down the way remember that I was the one telling him you were gone. I don't know how Deanna found out. I had tried and tried to get in touch with her, but she finally called me in tears. Someone told her..
 Now here I sit, alone. James is in the other end of the house downloading something on his computer, Deanna no longer talks to me. I don't want to bother any of the family. They've all got their own concerns so there isn't any reason to add mine to theirs. The people I work with are friends, but work friends. Even though there is one who is in the same situation as I am, she has her own heartache to face and deal with. I have over 2000 friends on social media, but there isn't a single one that I can pick up the phone and call, even if I had their phone numbers. Not because they wouldn't take the call, but so many have their own issues to handle and I refuse to burden anyone with mine.
 But today, this day, I would be so tempted. Night has fallen, a blanket of dark hiding the light that I so crave. The dark, bringing out the dark in the form of my sadness. Because I am alone, and tonight, at this moment, not just alone, but lonely. There are many things that I want to do, that I'd love to do, that I need to do, but not tonight. I have a pocket calendar where I've been making notes of things that are going on, festivals, carnivals, special events, things that if I get up the nerve to go alone, will drag me out of the house. Its just that alone word.
I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, I don't want to feel sorry for me. I want that inner strength that I see so many people have.  And yes, I do know that as a Christian, I am not really alone, I have the Lord with me always and that in truth does help, but the weak human side of me keeps reminding me that you are gone and there is no one physically here for me. So I'm battling my own human failings, I'm battling fear, I'm battling loneliness, I'm battling missing you. So many battles going on and I never considered myself a fighter.
 I know that you told me repeatedly, right after you told me that you knew you were going to go first and asked up not to forget you, you told me that you didn't want me to remain alone. That you wanted me to find someone else. Right now, I don't know if that is ever going to happen. I know that if its in God's plan that it will and that I just have to be patient and wait. I'm trying, but nights like tonight, when there is no one to talk with. No one to share funny stories, no one to listen to me moan about stuff and me listen to their stories. No one, period.
 Maybe, its because of the day, that I'm feeling this way. Maybe, I feel as if I've let people down.  Maybe, I am just so very tired.
Tomorrow, Lord willing, will be better. Tomorrow, the sky will brighten, the day will still be warm, and I will be out and about and not sitting here so friggin alone.