Alone. The very worst feeling,
was feeling alone. Like there was no one out there who understood. Of
course there was people who had an understanding of what they endured,
but no one can ever fully comprehend your feelings and struggles because
they are yours.
From
the moment of diagnoses, how ever you handled it when you were told that
you- or a loved one- had cancer. There is no wrong way to handle that
information. You either accept it and decide to fight and survive, or
you scream or cry or grow angry...and then you fight and survive. There
is no wrong feeling. We are designed to have emotions, they help us deal
with the blows and storms that come with this life. Without them we are
robotic in our existence, going from moment to moment without action or
reaction. With feelings, we are living,
breathing, analyzing data and deciding on a fight strategy and survival
tactics. We reach out to others for help or to help. We cook meals, we
give rides, we sit quietly, we hug, we cry, we laugh, we pray, we
support, we fight on, never giving up.
As we prepare for the beginning, that first surgery, whether it is the
only one or the first of many. We answer thousands of questions and the
same questions repeatedly. We wonder just how many people we will have
to talk with, how many different tests and procedures we will have to
endure. But endure we will. We know we will deal with those who are
compassionate, those who truly care and we will deal with those who are
all business or are in a hurry to get their day finished. Even in this,
we will show our strength.
When the treatments begin, unless you are one who has a caregiver who
is able to go along with you, to make sure you have transportation, who
sits with you until
you alone must walk back, then you sit there feeling the feelings of
alone. You can hear the laughter and the whispers of those around you.
You can hear the chatter of those who administer the treatments, but you
are for the moment... alone. But you aren't.
So many, too many have sat in that seat before you. So many, too many
have fought similar battles before you. So many, too many will follow
along behind you. Facing the battles, the fears, the anger, that feeling
of being alone even when surrounded by others.
It was the only time during my personal battle when I felt the tears
threaten, when I felt alone. I knew people were praying for me. I knew
that my Lord and Savior was with me. I knew that my family and friends
supported me....but in that one moment, sitting in that waiting area for
my next radiation treatment I felt very much alone.
That,
is one of the reasons among many that I do what I
do. I became a part of Relay for Life not long after my diagnoses. I
participated in my first all night Relay not long after I finished my
radiation treatments. Many thought that I couldn't make it all
night...but I did. It was lonely at times, I did cry as I walked that
Luminaria lap, the light from the candles burning the only light on the
track. I read the many names as I walked, too many names on too many
bags. At times it was almost too cold to bear, I had my son bring me
another bigger blanket and jacket as I fought the night, the exhaustion
and the feelings that attacked from all sides. I made it that night, and
every Relay night after that. I walk, for those who cannot. I walk in
memory of those lost, in honor of those who are survivors. I walk in the
hopes of raising money to help in the fight, to help in research, to
help in the many programs that the American Cancer Society has for those
fighting. I do what I do......to try and find ways to
show others, that they are not alone.
Please
help support the ACS and Relay for Life..if you can't find an event in
your areas will you please support me with a donation? Following is the
link to my profile page on Relay, there is a link to my team HEART for a
cure there..feel free to sign up, you don't need to be local, all you
need is a heart for a cure.. (Honoring Everyone Affected Recognizing The
caregiver)
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