To me
Facing -and fighting- cancer was like watching seasons change.
Before
cancer I was going through life as if it were summer. Life was warm,
happily filled with every day things. I took walks, I enjoyed family and
friends, life was good.
Then
came fall and the first chilly breeze. I had my first mammogram just
after I turned fifty years old. It was November, Thanksgiving was in the
air so I wasn't thinking anything at all about possibilities only
getting the test over and out of the way and my getting back to living.
Summertime was going to be a long way away. The last colors that had
burst forth with Autumn faded away as I got the call that more images
were needed. Unfazed and unworried I went in the day after Christmas to
get the images done so my mother and I could hit the shops. We wouldn't
hit the stores that day for the first time in years. After having
multiple images taken, then going for an ultrasound the mood for
shopping was gone. The cold of winter's reality was approaching, the
clouds on the horizon growing thicker. Even before any confirmations the
chill ran up my back, it was going to be a cold winter. I didn't need
any weather predictors telling me that. When the confirmation came I was
ready, as ready as one could be in those circumstances.
As I progressed through the initially testing and questions I had
donned a jacket of strength of will. The surgical biopsy had brought out
the boots of determination. I would walk this journey and see it to the
end. when the biopsy showed cancerous it was time to get serious.
Winter's winds were blowing, but I was not to be swayed. After my
surgery I dressed in the armor of one going into battle, preparing for
the treatments to come.
By
now, the colors had every one faded to brown, most leaves haven fallen
from the trees covering the cold, barren ground. Ever so often you would
see a tree that had retained its leaves. I remembered hearing that some
trees held their leaves so that the wildlife would have a place to find
shelter from winter's cold and snows. I was going to need to seek out
those special places for shelter during the coming winter season.
Since my becoming a so-called adult, winter has never been my favorite
time of year. Truth be told, I dislike the cold as much as one can
dislike anything. Even that remembered fun in the snow is short lived
when one has to attempt to drive in the mess around others who have no
practice in the activity. Winter is a bland, grey, occasionally white
time of year where color is sparse, I feel trapped inside wrapped in
blankets and extra clothing. Breast cancer was my time of winter. The
colors of laughter, song , and fun were shrouded in the extra layers of
worry, fear, pain and concern over the unanswered questions. For me,
winter is a lonely time, I spend most of the season hiding in the house.
During my battle, I spent most of the time exhausted. Radiation
treatments were deleting all of the energy that I had and replacing it
with a tired feeling so extreme that it was all I could do to put one
foot before the other. Every time I stretched out on that table and
watched that monster of a machine move into position I closed my eyes
and made ready for the cold reality. They were flooding my breast with
radiation, supposedly one area, but could one be sure? How does one
confine snow to one area? It is not a possible reality at this time, so
how could confining radiation to one area be fully possible? Each
treatment brought colder times, each moment on that table less color-
how I longed for the warmth and color of spring. I hated the silence, I
hated the loneliness, I so disliked the drab grey times and days.
The day I had my final radiation treatment I walked slowly from the
building, certificate of accomplishment in hand. It was accomplished, I
had finished all of my radiation treatments. Winter was ending. It was
however going to take a long while for spring to fully arrive. As the
flowers slowly poke their first buds from the ground so did my strength
return. The flowers of spring depend on the sunlight and rain, I
depended on rest, good foods and exercise. The plants depend on
fertilizers, and pruning, I depended on the love, prayers and closeness
of friends. As spring's warmth and color returned, as life in nature
renewed, so did mine.
My battle, my season of winter in the year of 2008, not so long past
that I have forgotten. Not so close that it disturbs my rest and
thoughts. As winter returns, will my cancer? That I cannot say, but I do
know that as one prepares for difficult times in the cold, so I have
prepared to better my health. When freezing temperatures threaten one
stores up water, fuel for heating, foods easy to prepare in case of
power outages. I have removed the bad things from my diet and saved up
the good. Processed foods is out and whole natural foods are in. Sodas
are out and water is in. Exercise and stress relieving acts are in. Will
the winter of cancer return? I hope and pray not, but if it does, I
will be much better prepared and understanding of what is to come.
One
thing that I did while fighting was join forces with the American
Cancer Society and Relay for Life. I have learned much, made new and
good friends and helped, in what ever ways I am able in the fight to end
cancer. Relay welcomes everyone. It is a joining of forces, a joining
of friends. We walk, we laugh, we raise awareness and money. Please find
a Relay event to participate in. If you can't find a Relay in your area
and would like to help you can always donate to the ACS on my profile
page here:
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