All of this has been such uncharted waters for me. I feel at times, like
the captain of a ship who is on their first voyage, only they have no
clue as to how to find their way to their destination. If there is a
road map to this anywhere, I'm sure it would probably be very out of
date the way things change these days. So here I am, now a widow, now
alone, now trying to find my way through the maze of red tape,
bureaucracy, financial, emotional, etc... that confronts me at every
turn. I know that I am not the first to deal with this, and there is no
way I will be the last, but I have realized that it is a journey that we
all must face on our own as each journey is different. Before I go
further, let me say that I do not believe that on my own means alone. My
God, my Strength, my Comforter, has been with me and continues to be
with me through all of this. I know that I would not have made it
anywhere near this far without my knowing He is here.
One of the things I have done from the beginning, is make lists. I have
listed phone numbers. I have listed names and gifts. I have listed
organizations. When we were trying so hard to get my husband's earthly
body home, I had the numbers ready when I needed them. I still have them
should questions arise. I made lists of everyone we owed and how much.
As each one has been paid, the name has been checked and struck through
and the amount deducted from the checkbook. Sadly the amount in the
checkbook dropped quicker than the names on the list but I know that it
will work out. I have faith that everything will be paid. I made a
separate list of those I needed to contact for changes in accounts. Some
were easy, some were not, some have required multiple phone calls and
visits. Slowly though, the names are being checked off. The sad part is
that is seems that every time I manage to strike through one item,
something else comes to mind. But I think, that I am seeing a bit of
daylight finally.
My son and I went yesterday (6.24.17) to see about the headstone for my
husband's grave. The gentleman who owned the business I discovered to
be a gentle soul with a huge heart. He was very kind and very
informative. He made sure that I understood each thing and checked every
item of information that is to be on the marker. Even when I told him
that I had walked off without my checkbook (no, not intentionally) he
told me that he would give me an addressed, stamped envelope that I
could mail him the check and that he should have the stone in place by
Thursday. The check is already in the mail. Yes, I will be up at the
cemetery Thursday afternoon, with flowers, with a sad heart, but knowing
I'm trying and I'm trying to follow his repeated instructions given to
me long before he passed.
One of my husband's pension plans have let me know what I am eligible
for and when. That letter has been responded to, now I await the other
one.
I still have two items, that I currently know of, on the original list.
To take care of one of them, I am waiting on the check from where I
surrendered part of my own life insurance. The other I am going to have
to pay a visit to the place find out exactly what I need to do to be
able to mark this item off the list. Years ago my husband and I had
purchased two cemetery plots in a large cemetery. Instead of placing him
there, I had him buried at the church we attend. I hope to be able to
sell the other two plots. The money from them would help greatly.
Once that list is done, my next list is ready. I'm trying, really
trying to find my direction. There is a part of me that feels that I
need for all of these lists to be done before I move forward with other
things I know need to be done. The yard is in serious need of work. The
house needs things done. But those are lists waiting to be created, I
need to do first things first and not get ahead of myself. I know that I
can do all things through God who strengthens me, but I know that to
try and do too many things at the same time only leads to confusion,
exhaustion and possibly depression when I don't get them done in the way
and time that I think I should.
As it is, I will take paperwork with me tomorrow, and after work I will
head down to the cemetery and see what they have to say. Hopefully that
will be one more item struck through soon. I will continue to move
forward, one day, one breath, one prayer, one list, at a time.
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