Tuesday will be Difficult

                            Today, June 4th, I went by your grave, this coming Tuesday the 6th, would have been your birthday. I brought you flowers and stayed for a moment. It was one of the few times that I wished that I had a smart phone as there were these two tiny toads playing on your grave. You remembered how much I loved the miracles of nature. After I saw them, I tried to be more careful of where I was stepping in case there were more. I just wanted you to know that  I'm still waiting to hear from the insurance from Abilene. Anita has been in touch with them, helping to get them moving. Once they pay up and I get the funeral home paid, I'll start working on getting your headstone. I know that it will make the site of your rest look better, but that is not the important thing. I want to acknowledge where your earthly body lies.  I know that you aren't there, that you have been walking the golden roads of Heaven since you closed your eyes here. I want it to be easier for family members who may want to visit to be able to find where your body rests.

                             Its amazing how many people have offered me advice. Some of it very special, some spoken with good intentions, but somewhat annoying. I know that the words coming from those who have also lost a loved one does understand. They know the feelings of loss, the feelings of anger, the pain that strikes at the worst times. They know, and understand what I am feeling. I appreciate their words of wisdom shared with me. It helps me to know that the range or emotions that I am going through are normal. I may not share all of the emotions with one, but  what I don't with one, I will with another. There will, unfortunately, always be someone who understands. I know that I haven't had a lot of conversations with others one on one, there are times that I wished that I could, but I find my strength in my faith, and there is the One who knows all of my pains.

                            Then, there are those who with all good intentions, and who I would never ignore, who are offering advice that I may or may not be ready to hear. I'm sure they think they are telling me things for my own good.....and to a certain extent, they may be right. I think though that their timing is off, or that they are trying to tell me too much at one time. I know that there are things that I ought to do, and eventually I will. In my time. I do, I really, honestly do, appreciate the intentions behind the comments. I would never want anyone to think otherwise. I have saved the online messages, printing many of them out to read again later. I have kept all of the words verbally shared with me. safely in my heart. I know that I will revisit them when the time is right and put them to use.

                              The one funny thing (kind of) is all of the recognition that Abilene is getting now. At least those who are driving through the area. Any time that someone sees an Abilene truck on I85 or any of the other roadways, they let me know. They either tell me that they thought of me, or you, when they saw the truck. They recognize those deep green trucks quickly.

                            In the meantime I'm staying busy. James is right there with me, we're a pretty good team if you ask me. You would really be proud of him. I got one leak stopped in the bathroom sink, James got the new faucet installed and stopped the other leak. It was a challenge, the parts were stubborn, but he got it done. I got the old freezer emptied and cleaned. I'm waiting on it to finish drying out then I'll do what I told you I had planned and store the extra blankets and winter wear in there. I know that I'm going to need to do something with all of your clothing. I'll donate the good stuff to somewhere that will get them to those who could use them. I have a friend who has made this amazing offer that I do plan on taking advantage of as soon as I can get stuff packed and mailed.   You should see the flower garden area. Some really special people have given me a lot of plants and flowers. Mom has given me a lot as well. Then there is the plants that decided to come back after all.   The vegetable garden looks good, we've had a lot of rain. That is keeping me active. Did you see that I bought that canister the other day? When I go out hiking now with Bella I won't feel so vulnerable.

                                  I won't lie honey,    Tuesday is going to be so very difficult. Your first birthday in Heaven, our first birthday without you. I thought of taking the day off from work, but I won't. I know that I will be missing you, its impossible not to miss you, all of our lives together, I didn't expect it to end this way, this soon. I know though, that even as I miss you, I won't be alone. I know that our Lord will be comforting me through the day. I won't walk it, or any other one alone.