Demons

                           Recently I received a message about some of the things I write. I was told that my writing was very helpful in the senders own struggles. I have in the past tried to explain that a lot of the things I write, are meant more to help, to encourage than to sound like a self-pity party. What I am about to share here, I hope does not make me sound a tad across the line into crazy. It is difficult sometimes to explain about inner demons and problems, to those who haven't struggled witih them, but for those of us who have, this may make sense. What I hope, is that it will show that we all have an inner strength that we may not realize. That with prayer and faith, we can fight our individual demons. As I am battling mine.
                         Over the weekend I did something, or rather didn't do something, that has people who know me, scratching their head and wondering who this person is. Trust me, there are days I wonder the same thing. A couple of days back, I found out that my favorite country band in the universe known and unknown was going to be practically in my bad yard. Less than an hour away and doing a free show. And I didn't go. My son was ready to drop everything and take me, but I said no.  I told him that I would much rather he get my washing machine repaired, I have laundry waiting. He kept asking and I kept telling him the same thing, repair the washer. To be fair, I really do want my washer repaired, I do have laundry waiting. I have certain articles of clothing that I wear to work, and most of those are dirty. But the washer is nearing or just over ten years old and there is ten years of rust that is refusing to allow that one large bolt to break free.
                         But, this isn't about a stubborn washer, this is about why I did not attend a concert, or why I don't get in the car and drive to places I'd like to go. Its about why, when I do go somewhere, I tend to sit at the back, away from others, quietly watching what ever is going on around me. It is why, I don't get up and go to events that I would love to attend, car shows, baseball games, festivals. Why, I don't go to green ways that are designed to hike and are free. It is why, even as I imagine myself at all of these places, even talk about going to these things, I sit right here.
                          It is because I am battling my own personal demons. Fear and anxiety. Related, yet different. There is also those internal demons that tell me I'm not good enough or pretty enough or worthy or any of the other feelings that allow us to feel good about ourselves. There are times when I feel so very lonely. Even more so, I feel abandoned. For a while, I was angry with my husband, but he had no choice in his leaving. It was his time, he was called home and he went. But then, nearly everyone else has left as well. While everyone else has gone on about their lives (which is not wrong) I sit here, wishing, dreaming, hoping. I realize it has been a little over two years. I realize that maybe, just maybe most of them think I should be over it by now. I am, and yet I'm not. Then, when I really stop and think about it, and am totally honest, there is the depression. That sadness that tries to overwhelm me and drag me down and drown me in the darkness. It is what you get when you blend everything else together and stir well. And it sucks.
                       Right this moment as I write this, my son, my nephew-in-law and his son, are out there trying to break loose a rusted nut in that washing machine. I listened to the banging, the grunts, the dropped tools, the discussions. They keep fighting, not ready or willing to give in to the challenge.
                       One can say that there is a big difference in using brute strength to break loose a rusted nut and fighting mental and emotional demons. That is and is not true in my opinion. Both, take a lot of strength. Both, you are fighting to reach a goal. The tools that they are using are wrenches, ratchets, a blowtorch (yes, I walked away at the sight of that one) and all the muscles that they can strain to try for success.
                      In my battle, one that I refuse to give in to, I will use the tools I have at hand. In my Bible, are multiple verses dealing with fear, anxiety, sadness, and where and how to overcome them. There are verses on where my strength lies. Promises that even when I feel alone, I'm not. Where peace awaits, where my shelter is. Promises that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. My Bible, is my roadmap, my how to book, my life's guide. In these pages, I can, do and will find all I need to overcome the demons of my mind.
                     I have my church family to spend time with. It is my fault  alone that I don't go other than Sunday mornings. Going more, would give me a stronger will and greater foundation.
                     I have my blood family, who are here and ready to help as they are able when I call.
                     I have my Savior to whom I can pray. Pray for guidance. Prayers for peace, for comfort, for strength. Prayers that with Him, I will have the strength to put one foot before the other. That with my next breath I will be more able to face the next moment without fear. Prayers that I'll find the ability and courage to get in my car and go somewhere. It doesn't matter if I go alone, I can enjoy events just as well that way. I can arrive when I wish, do what I  wish and leave when I am ready. Prayers  to silence the inner demons, that instead of them, I will hear the voice of my Savior speaking to me. That I will hear the words to the hymns I love. That I can recite the verses that will strengthen me and give me the peace and strength that I need to overcome every fear and anxiety that wants to attack and drag me down into the storm and darkness. Because my God, is stronger than any storm the demons can come up with.

                    

Wealthy beyond measure

                                                          all the gold in the sky


    I don't own a lot of "things". I don't have a big house, fancy car, or an Olympic size pool out back. But, in my heart, I feel rich beyond measure.
  I won't go into the this verses that of big and fancy verses smaller and more ordinary. We've all seen those in some form or fashion. While I am sure that bigger homes are nice, with plenty of room for guests, parties and places to hide when you need a private moment. Larger homes may also feel more empty when guests and family are gone.

 My home, the size that it is, holds a mansion's worth of memories. I grew up in this house. Together with my parents and two brothers, we filled this house with life. We enjoyed meals around the table, we sat together to watch television, and even at times, has those Walton, good-night John Boy moments as the day ended and night took over.
 The yard, bare of grass then, and bare of grass now, held impromptu ball games, bicycle races, puppies were raised and laughter rang out through the woods. Growing up, there were no apartments on the other side of the dirt road, it was woods and they were a grand and exciting playground. Often we were found climbing high into the pine trees, no concerns over how mom was going to get the pine sap out of our clothing. We were adventurers, living the high life.

  The dirt road on which we live, took its turn at being a race track, a ball field, a parade ground. At that time, traffic on the road was practically non-existent. The traffic that was, traveled the road safely and with care over the youth that were often in the way.
   The woods behind the house, were then and are now, magical and healing. They draw you in, calling to your heart, offering a peace and calm not found in the crazed pace of the outside world.
  As a teenager, trying to come of age and find a balance, I spent hours in these woods. I didn't seem to fit with this group or that one. I felt alienated, alone, different. I still am, but there is a difference. Then, in those woods, imagination was king. The outside world held no place there. No one was around to bring the unrest and ills of society to its simple purity. I never learned the proper protocol for societal interaction, but I learned how to balance the thoughts in my head and find peace with who I felt I was.

  As an adult returning home from a failed marriage with an abusive husband, just being here, healed a damaged heart. To be able to look out onto the place of my youth, healed a hurt mind.
  As an adult, battling cancer, I found hope within the trees and under the canopy of leaves. Along those all familiar paths, there was always something different to inspire and bring hope. Among those trees, along that creek, there was peace in the battle, and guidance in the struggle. In what awaited, I found the knowledge, I was not alone. while no physical person walked with me, no one went with me to treatments, no one came to check on me, I was not alone and I was comforted by that.
  As an adult, grieving a loss so great, in those woods there is solace. On the days when all is quiet, there is peace. A calm to soothe the heart, mind and spirit. Time to walk through the high grasses, or along the open paths and simply feel. The over flowing of peace, that wraps like a soft blanket around me, comforting the aches and easing the pain. The days when nature is at its most vocal, when the birds are filled with song and the bullfrog, tree frog and crickets join in a magical harmony. When you hear the squirrel barking and carrying on  in near frantic fashion, it is the best concert around.
  How can I feel alone, when the hummingbird visit the feeder outside my window often? How can I feel alone, when the racoon and possum visit the backyard in search of any scraps the stray cat may have missed? How can I feel alone, when the blackbirds have returned to search the yard as well, calling out loudly and often to inform or warn?
  So I am wealthy in many ways, in that I have a home, I have transportation, I have a job, I have food and clothing. I have a Savior who never leaves me alone.
  If I feel alone, it is my own incorrect thoughts. It is the deceiver attempting to divert my thoughts from where they need to be. It is the me, who feels those moments of self-pity that makes me poor.
  My husband was called home before me. It has been just over two years now that I have been a part of that group called widowhood. For a while, the loneliness of being one, was near unbearable. For a while, I thought of him every moment, could I have done this or that or something else that would have helped his heath, kept him here just a little longer? In the end, you realize, our time is not our own. Even if in any way, I could have helped him improve his health, when it was his time, he would have still been called home. I have been bereft, I have been broken of heart, I have been alone, I have felt poor and without peace. I had lost sight of what was right outside my window. I had forgotten to look at the great wealth before me.
  Recently I have been writing again, revisiting a story line that I had abandoned when I left my teen years behind. Characters that lived on, even without my visitations. To have found them again, reminds me of a time before the reality of being an adult took hold. A time before the struggles and mental, physical and emotional pain. A return, to a time of fun and innocence. There is even fun, in sharing of the exploits of these characters, and seeing the expressions on the face of those listening to me. Finding them again, has brought something back that I had thought lost. Found once again, in those woods.

  I have come to realize and remember something that I had lost sight of in my grief and other life experiences. That all of the material wealth in the world is of this world. It is not something that I have need of, or should really even want. I should- and am beginning to- find that peace, contentment and happiness, in what I have been given and lay up my real treasures in Heaven. My quest should be to find ways to bring good things to those around me. My driving force, should be to show where my hope and faith rests. My striving, should be in showing how  my faith and trust in the Lord, gives me hope and a better life here while I wait for my time to be there. I struggle at times, but those struggles are what bring me closer to where my hope, peace and treasure await. The gift, the treasure, that I have been given here, are the woods that bring me closer to my Lord, in the quiet times, and in the symphonies. There, I have my own garden of Eden, and the walks with the Lord.
 I don't need a big house, a fancy vehicle, or even an Olympic sized pool. I have all the wealth I need, or could ever want, right outside my door. I have those special woods, a creek and the memories that yet remain in heart and mind.

The Battle is real

  Yesterday, was not one of my better days. There are days, when the struggle to just simply, be, is difficult. When I feel as if everything is against me, every, single, thing in my life is not in my favor and I'm sinking into a pit of which there is no escape.
 Yesterday, was the last day of a difficult work week. I work in a manufacturing plant. This past week, the manager of the department in which I work, was on a much deserved vacation. That left me overseeing the fun house. She left me a detailed note of the important things to take care of, in their order of importance. Also in that note was a variety of other information. Even though, I am not a superstitious person, on Tuesday, I told a coworker that the manager had jinxed me. On the back of the note, in big letters were the words "Have a good week!". To say that while it wasn't a horrendously bad week, Murphy's Law really showed up in full force. The stress of trying to do a good job and get everything done was showing up in multiple ways. I kept a low grade headache all week. My sleep patterns which aren't the best anyway, were shredded. Confusion and forgetfulness were apparent by Thursday. Not dangerously bad, but enough that it was frustrating.
 By 5pm, Thursday afternoon, even though I was home, the stress endured was evident. It was all I could do to keep my eyes open. I was near tears, that won't fall. My son came in and told me it was time to go after a load of wood a friend had given us. James knew of the week I had endured, but we had planned on doing this, so I had to hold up my end of the agreement. We went after the wood, loaded the truck with a portion of what had been given and left for home. As we pulled into the dirt road we live on, James made the comment that his grandmother had asked for the wood. Fine, I told him to go ahead and give it to her. So even though I watched as wood that was meant for us disappeared from the truck into mom's yard, I said nothing. James did this for two reasons. One they need wood too, and two, he didn't want to cut up the larger pieces. Still, we also need wood and knowing that had me again, feeling near tears, those that refuse to ever fall.
 I walked back up to the house after the wood was unloaded and waited on James. I didn't have my house key to get in. When he walked up he noticed my expression and asked what was wrong. Just tired. There is nothing he can do about the other emotions strangling me. I don't want him to worry anyway.
  The fact that I allowed myself to get into a perceived financial bind doesn't, hasn't helped. I was very careful for so long, then this. I know, I got complacent and careless. I spent too much, apparently with an, it will be there, attitude. When my husband was alive he had the attitude of 'you only live once, there will always be money as long as I'm working'. I am guessing that somewhere in the back of my mind, that attitude had once again arisen. When I had overtime at work, it wasn't a problem, because the money was there. No, I didn't go out and buy things like mega expensive vehicles or splurge on jewelry or even eat out every day. My worst offense was groceries, lots and lots of groceries. I believe, due to a time forty years ago, when there wasn't enough groceries and that fear still lives in the back of my head. Even though now, I am in a totally different life.
 I also deal with anxiety. I can't do this because that might happen. I can't do that because I don't know how, I get lost, I might get hurt. I'm fighting it, sometimes I think I am overcoming it, then it like a phoenix rising up attacks again. I allow incidents to feed it and make it grow. Silly things as in, I don't know where to park, so I won't go. Then I feel guilty because I am a Christian and feel as if I should have more faith and less fear.

  Then, rationality  sets in. Once I am better rested and out of stressful situations, I can take the time to think and better understand.
  First, yes, I am a Christian, but that doesn't mean that I am not going to have difficult days. The truth is, that being a Christian can mean that there will be more difficult days to deal with. When you live a life of love, hate tries to attack on a moment by moment basis. Evil is not happy when things are good and life is going well. It seeks out your weakness and works diligently to make you miserable. If you are miserable and showing it, then others will not want what you have in your heart. They will see nothing encouraging in your actions. While we shouldn't hide the fact that we are human, we can show that we know the way to improve what is happening.  We can show, that we understand we are not walking through this life alone, struggling alone to overcome evil's attacks.

Psalm 121 King James Version (KJV)

121 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

² My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.
³ He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
⁴ Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
⁵ The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
⁷ The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
⁸ The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

King James Version (KJV) Public Domain

The Lord is My Shepherd

(Ezekiel 34:11-24; John 10:1-21)

1{A Psalm of David.} The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

 There is a great peace in knowing that in my struggles, I am not abandoned and alone.:

 https://www.christiantoday.com/article/7-bible-verses-to-remind-you-god-is-always-with-you/107961.htm

 There is power and peace in the remembering that I do not walk this alone. Even on the days when I feel as if I have plenty of acquaintances but so few friends, I am still not alone. James looked at me funny yesterday when he made a comment about me going out with friends and I looked at him and asked, I have friends? In his ever honest approach, he told me that if I didn't, it was my fault. I'm the one who hides here.

Second, the financial bind that I created, I tend to give it more power over my thoughts than I should. Yes, I do have bills to pay. Yes, I do need to have food for the family. Yes, I do have things that are essential such as fuel for the car and propane for the house needs. However, these are not going unpaid. Yet, they are growing in their control over my moments of irrational and useless emotions.

(Luke 12:22-34)

25Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Third, my allowance of every day stress, is something that if I don't get a handle on, can cause greater problems. I know, that this too, can be taken care of in the right faith and manner:

 https://www.theodysseyonline.com/15-bible-verses-calm-anxious-mind

The battle is real, the solution even more so.

 

Sometimes, you have to take the painful steps

     When I learned what I had get myself into financially, I sat down and tried to figure out what I could do to climb out of this hole. I knew that it had taken me a while to dig this, it was going to take a while to climb out. I knew too, that what I was going to have to do, was look at some ways that might hurt.
      Years ago, my husband had wanted a pick up truck. We found him one that someone was selling that didn't want an arm, leg and half your fingers for the thing. It was an older truck, and you could tell it had been driven quite a bit. But it was still a truck, we could afford it and it was relatively dependable. At that time.
  It was also one of the few things that we had left of his after his passing. My son only drive it to haul off our trash or to pick up a load of firewood from time to time. You could only make one trip as it got a bit cranky if you tried to do more than that. Then, it decided that it wasn't going to crank at all. We're still not exactly sure what's wrong with it, but the renewal tag was due and it needed to be inspected. Something that you couldn't do if it wouldn't start. I made the decision to take the insurance off of it and park it for the time being. I was going to sell it, but my son didn't want me to go that far so its in the drive, just not able to be driven.
  When I canceled the insurance on the truck, I wasn't sure what that would do to my bill. I was now a single driver, single vehicle insured customer. Happily when the bill came it was lower than I had anticipated. That is going to make a big difference in the monthly bills since I have my insurance set up to deduct monthly from my checking account.
  My cell phone bill has dropped down from what it was originally. There is a couple of things I need to check into, things that may drop it a bit more.
  Changing our cable programming to remove some extras is going to help keep it from jumping sky high. I may still have to look at other alternatives in the future. Still, ever small step, is progress.
 I generally don't do yard sales, because I live off the main road where there is so little traffic. If I do go through my stuff and decide I might have enough for one, I think I know where I can set up though. Even a few dollars is a plus at this point.
  When I purchased groceries last weekend, I did not buy one of the things that I had been purchasing for snacks at work. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel eating less and still trying to work. There really wasn't any problem, so there is one more thing I know I can do without.
 Yep, I can do this. One step, even painful, baby steps, at a time.
 I sit here and look at the things I'm paying for now, things that back when I was young we had never even heard of, much less grown so accustomed to having that we didn't want to part with because we wouldn't know how to live without them. I'm sitting here thinking, I know, I am not the only person, who has suddenly found themselves in this position. I know, that others have dug out, climbed out, fought their way out. I can do this. I will do this. Being frugal, is not the end of the world.

With so little cash, what to do for Mother's Day

    When my checking account balance dropped to such a small amount, I knew that I was going to have to make changes in my spending habits. I have done well so far. I was very careful to follow my grocery list with the result being a bill that was at least sixty dollars less than the week before. I have stayed out of the garden centers or places such as Lowe's garden centers. I've bought nothing that wasn't needed.
But Mother's Day.
 I could not ignore Mother's Day. I could not, not do something for mom. I knew that she had said that the chair that I gave her for her birthday was enough for her birthday and for Mother's Day, but I wanted to do something on this day. The less expensive it was, the better because even though mom doesn't know of my financial blunder, she still worries over how much we spend on her.
So, what to do?
 Then I remembered. She has been after me to get some photos that I took printed out for her to have. I never got my printer set up to take anything less than half a page and she said she would be happy with a 4x6. I uploaded them to a web site of wally world, waited for the email letting me know they were ready then drove down to pick them up.
 I walked into this store and wished I had my winter coat. They had the air conditioning set up to below freezing and I couldn't get those photos picked up and out of there quickly enough. I was in such a hurry I didn't even look at them, I just went, picked up a pet brush and headed for check out. When I got home, I got the couple of photos I had made for me out and then got mom's ready. I found a small box, placed the photos on the inside and taped it closed. Carrying the box down to mom I waited while she opened it, fighting with the tape. I didn't mean to make it difficult, but it was fun watching her fight shipping tape.
 The moment she opened the box and saw the envelope holing the photos, she was nearly stunned. "Is this what I think it is?" When she opened the envelope and saw the photos she was in near tears. she looked through them no less than three times. Her happiness at getting the photos finally, genuine.
 I learned something that I guess I had always known, and forgotten, moms love anything we give them. Mom's don't care if what you give is not mega expensive. Mom's love those things that just show love.
 When you can't give cars, houses or year round cruises, you can give your time, your abilities, your love. Sitting with mom, watching her happiness over a few photos, I thought maybe, I'm getting better at this gift giving thing. Maybe, I have learned, that there is no gift that is worth more than our time. There is no gift, that is more worthy, than just showing love. There is no gift more worthy, than finally getting photos that she's wanted for over a year, printed and gifted to her. Just taking the time to say, "I love you."
 I only spent $3.75 cent on the photos. I'm guessing, that she wouldn't take a million dollars for them, even though I would hope that she would, I can always have more printed..

Changing of attitude is the first step

 So this week I have allowed myself to get completely overwrought over my finances. I made a comment about it on social media and was told, "at least you're not in the red" which was so very true. My fears were that they didn't know how close that was possible. My fears were, I need to take care of this thing, I have to order that thing, we're out of another thing. And there was no money in the checking account to cover it. My fears were of falling back deeply into debt and having no ladder out. My fears, were winning.
 Then my guilt trip began. It was all my fault. I hadn't paid close enough attention to what I was spending. I was spending too much. I wasn't being careful. I wasn't being a good steward of my money. I wasn't being sure enough in my faith, to trust that God could and would take care of this situation, even though it was due to my lack of attention.
 Then I began trying to brainstorm ways to fix it myself. I could get a part time job and maybe I would have enough energy and capability to handle it. I could sell things that I don't use that much or are not really needed. I could buy cheaper less healthy food stuff. I could scrounge through all of the chair cushions and under, around and through things to try and find loose change to wrap and deposit. I could gather things to have a yard sale. But nearly everything in my house is used until its worn out and ready to be tossed not sold.
 I then realized, that I was once again trying to fix things myself.
But I put myself into this mess, spending on an overtime check and not a forty hour check, there is a big difference. I have bought things that weren't one hundred percent necessary. The mistakes flooding my thoughts in an attempt to drown me emotionally and tear me down physically. I was near tears, but I'm not one who cries easily. I kept berating myself that if I had saved more of that overtime money rather than spending it so readily, I wouldn't be in this mess. I am very hard on myself.
 So, this morning I am thinking, I am not showing much of my Christian faith by allowing all of this worry into my life. No matter what happens, God is in control. Yes, He allowed me in my free will to happily go my way, getting into this mess, but He won't abandon me now that I've awakened to what I've done. Like the prodigal son who came to his senses and went home to a grand welcome, I know I will be welcomed back to my senses and placed on the right path.
 It will begin, with a change of attitude.
 First, I need to chase away the fears. We're not going to go hungry. We may not have snack food in abundance, I may have to cut back on what I take to work to eat. We may not have steak and potatoes every night. But we won't go hungry. How many of our ancestors ate just what they had, and were fine? Besides that, my parents live next door, there is no way mom would allow her grandson, grown that he is, to go hungry.
I'm not going to lose everything I have. I do still have that line of credit. I'm working on paying that off, but I kept it just in case of emergencies, and even though it would make paying it off much further down the road, it is there.
We're not going to end up homeless. Partly for the same reason as we're not going to lose everything and partly because the house itself is paid for. I don't owe a mortgage, just on the line of credit.
 I have to change my way of thinking on how I spend the money I earn. I have to learn to be the responsible steward.
 There is a big difference in need and want. I have to remember to ask myself, do I need this or want this? And pay attention to the answer.
 When I bought the Jeep I now drive, I needed another vehicle. My Explorer was old, it was not as dependable as it once had been and the gas mileage was horrendous. I feared it stopping on me somewhere on the road and being left in a bad situation while I waited on our road service to respond. Even though I purchased one of the least expensive vehicles, I realize I could have gotten a different car cheaper elsewhere. The fact that my son works for the dealership and I could get service easier, and a family discount, helped to make my decision. Plus the fact that I can go weeks and not mere days before I have to purchase gas helps.
 Flowers, I do love flowers. I love the colors, I love the feelings that seeing flowers brings, I love the fact that they feed the bees, butterfly and hummingbirds. They bring a peace to my heart. But they tend to be expensive to purchase unless you find them marked down. Still, they are a want, not a real need. I can reason that they cheer me up when I'm feeling down. I can say that they are cheaper than therapy, or healthier than getting drunk, (I don't consume alcohol so that isn't happening anyway). I think, that even though I would love to have a yard filled with flowers, I can get near the same emotion from viewing flowers elsewhere, as in seeing the wildflowers growing along a hiking trail.
 Solar lights are pretty to look at, but not a necessity. Time to walk away quietly.
My grocery bill is out the roof. I believe partly because there was a time long past but not forgotten when food was not as abundant. Even though that was nearly forty years ago, some things remain deep in your mind. A trauma of sorts that lies lurking just below the surface causing problems that you may not even realize. Until it is brought to your attention.
 My thoughts here is that I need to start finding recipes for healthy meals for two, or recipes that can be cut down some to make smaller amounts. Once I have this collection, I can start purchasing groceries only for the meals planned. I also need to start paying more attention to the sales papers for the local grocery stores. I can then adapt and change to what is on sale and therefore better for the budget.
 Ah yes, the dreaded budget. Something that I haven't bothered creating. A fact that has come back to bite me. That too, will have to happen.
  We do have this bundled package for phone, television and internet. When I got the notice that it was going up I called the service. I ended up having some programing removed to bring the cost back down. We only have the basic cable, so it wasn't that we had all the bells and whistles, just a few extra bells that were silenced.
 I'm remembering the words of my folks, and even though the lights are LEDs and use less electricity, as I told my son, they use none when turned off. The plan is also to try and go as long as possible before turning on the air conditioner.
 There are many things that we don't do that help, but it also cuts back on the things that may have otherwise been available to help. Still, doing what we can, will make a difference.
 Right now, the main thing for me, is the changing of attitude. I have to gain the understanding that I'm not punishing myself for mistakes, I'm working on correcting those mistakes. I have to gain the understanding that , yes, I did mess up, but it isn't something that can't be fixed. There are multiple ways that this can be worked on and dug out of in time.
 When my husband passed away, I was very careful in what I spent and how. I trused God to help guide my steps, my thoughts and yes, even and especially my spending. I can go back to that again. I'm ready for and taking that first step today.

In Need of a Reset

Its been a while since I've added anything here. Working ten hour days takes a lot out of me physically and mentally, so I come home exhausted and barely able to carry on an intelligent conversation. to try and write a blog that is somewhat intelligent, comprehensible and interesting seems beyond that level of capability. However, yesterday something was brought to my attention that means I need to try and start doing better and trying to find ways to supplement my income in some way. Don't get me wrong, I don't write mainly to try to earn any financial gain, even though that would be nice, I write because I am driven. I'm driven to share the thoughts of my heart, the ideas of my spirit and the hopes of my soul. The hope being, that somewhere along the way, someone gets something from those words.
 All of that being said, what has brought me back here, after being missing for so long, is partly what was stated above, partly that I've missed this activity and partly because I wanted to share my thoughts again.
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 What thoughts? The thoughts that I have disappointed myself. When my husband passed away in March of 2017 we were in a deep financial bind. Not as bad as some I know, but bad for us, and suddenly there was no 'us' there was me and I had the responsibility of taking care of and resolving that debt. There was also a funeral and marker to purchase. While my husband did have some insurance, it wasn't enough to cover what was owed. The company he drove for had a policy on him that they have on all drivers. It was meant to be in case the worst happened and the body was needed to be gotten home. This was something that I misunderstood, but as used to cover his funeral and part of the cost of the headstone. The life insurance covered some but not all of our debt, so I cashed in a part of my own life insurance to get me to a point of stability.
 Then came stuff that needed repairs or replacing. My kitchen stove started exploding burners, this stove was so old that the burners were built in and not replaceable. My refrigerator went out, leaking something all over the kitchen floor. My roof started leaking badly. My vehicle, which had been dependable for so long, suddenly wasn't. It would stop at very inopportune times putting me at risk. A bad storm came up that caused this room to flood, ruining the carpeting and just in general making a mess.
 Sound familiar? I know that others have dealt with worse. Storms have came through that have destroyed everything that they own, everything that is essential to their livelihood. I know, that people have had to stand back and watch raging forest fires destroy their homes. I know, that there are those who have watched helplessly as major floods have washed away everything that was important to them, from homes, to farmlands and animals. I know, that as bad as I felt that things were for me, others have a much more difficult time. I would never try to make my concerns and problems seem to be on the same level as theirs.
 But to me, its a problem that needs addressing and finding a resolution for. I have to for my physical, emotional and mental well-being. Maybe, in the process of working this out, someone else can benefit as well.
 Yesterday, my son came into this room laughing. He reminded me that since he is also on my checking account, he can see how much is in there. I thought that he was going to tell me something good, not that my balance was $4.90. To say that I was shocked was an understatement. I went immediately to my account and began checking everything. Nothing was amiss. A lot of my bills had just auto-paid at the same time and with me not getting any overtime at work, I was looking at $4.90 in my account. It was all my fault. I still had the overtime pay mentality and not the normal forty hour week pay reality.
 I need a thought and action reset, because it doesn't appear that overtime is going to come back any time soon. My age, even though there is supposed to be no age discrimination, is a problem with the thought of changing jobs. Even though places like Walmart pay better, I know the amount of hours allowed would not help me any. To try and take on a second job sounds daunting as well, due to the fact that I get exhausted from what I do now. I don't want to put myself in the hospital from exhaustion. Am I making excuses? Maybe.
 I've tried those online sell creation sites, but never really did well. It could be because I wasn't diligent enough. It may be that I didn't push hard enough. I still have the sites, but haven't updated them in a while. Disappointment and feeling the failure at creative endeavors largely the reason. I also need a new flash for the camera before I can take the photos I want to create more items. Another excuse?
 I've been working on and off on the story about my late husband's life. I promised that he wouldn't be forgotten and I think that there is information in that story that could help others. It gets difficult though at times remembering. Plus the fact, I just don't know what to do with it when I finish it. I would love to have a publisher be interested, I simply don't know how to go about finding one. I tried once upon a time to find bookstores to carry my self published books, the response was to say the least, not good. I do understand that brick and mortar stores prefer books that are published through publishing houses and not the self published route. However that experience left me disappointed yet again.
 One thing I can do, is learn to be more fiscally responsible. I don't buy junk food or coffee at work or even when I'm out and about. I always carry my own. I don't eat out much, and usually when I do, my son pays for those meals. The vehicle that I purchased uses a lot less gas than my old one did so that helps tremendously. My biggest weakness is and has been for years are flowers and solar lights. I know, that I am going to have to adopt a, look but don't touch attitude. There are nice, they are pretty, but they are a want not a need. Therefore, they have to become currently unavailable to me.
 My biggest expense other than that car payment, is groceries. You would think that with it just being me and my son, that groceries wouldn't be that much, but there are also three dogs and two cats to feed. Two of the dogs and the cats are family from before my husband passed. Molly was an addition because I thought that Buddy was headed for the Rainbow bridge only to have fooled me. So my plan now has to be how to lower that grocery bill and how to find ways to supplement my income so that I can raise that balance in my checking account to a less concerning amount.
 It is going to be an adventure of learning and putting into practice what I learn. I am looking to this as a journey created out of necessity, but one that could lead to more control over my finances, more peace of mind, and maybe, just maybe even better health in the long run. Because this won't be just about cutting back on groceries, not buying flowers, but in finding ways to enjoy life in a way that won't hurt the wallet.
 Come along with me and see what we can find along the way............