So this week I have allowed myself to get completely overwrought over my finances. I made a comment about it on social media and was told, "at least you're not in the red" which was so very true. My fears were that they didn't know how close that was possible. My fears were, I need to take care of this thing, I have to order that thing, we're out of another thing. And there was no money in the checking account to cover it. My fears were of falling back deeply into debt and having no ladder out. My fears, were winning.
Then my guilt trip began. It was all my fault. I hadn't paid close enough attention to what I was spending. I was spending too much. I wasn't being careful. I wasn't being a good steward of my money. I wasn't being sure enough in my faith, to trust that God could and would take care of this situation, even though it was due to my lack of attention.
Then I began trying to brainstorm ways to fix it myself. I could get a part time job and maybe I would have enough energy and capability to handle it. I could sell things that I don't use that much or are not really needed. I could buy cheaper less healthy food stuff. I could scrounge through all of the chair cushions and under, around and through things to try and find loose change to wrap and deposit. I could gather things to have a yard sale. But nearly everything in my house is used until its worn out and ready to be tossed not sold.
I then realized, that I was once again trying to fix things myself.
But I put myself into this mess, spending on an overtime check and not a forty hour check, there is a big difference. I have bought things that weren't one hundred percent necessary. The mistakes flooding my thoughts in an attempt to drown me emotionally and tear me down physically. I was near tears, but I'm not one who cries easily. I kept berating myself that if I had saved more of that overtime money rather than spending it so readily, I wouldn't be in this mess. I am very hard on myself.
So, this morning I am thinking, I am not showing much of my Christian faith by allowing all of this worry into my life. No matter what happens, God is in control. Yes, He allowed me in my free will to happily go my way, getting into this mess, but He won't abandon me now that I've awakened to what I've done. Like the prodigal son who came to his senses and went home to a grand welcome, I know I will be welcomed back to my senses and placed on the right path.
It will begin, with a change of attitude.
First, I need to chase away the fears. We're not going to go hungry. We may not have snack food in abundance, I may have to cut back on what I take to work to eat. We may not have steak and potatoes every night. But we won't go hungry. How many of our ancestors ate just what they had, and were fine? Besides that, my parents live next door, there is no way mom would allow her grandson, grown that he is, to go hungry.
I'm not going to lose everything I have. I do still have that line of credit. I'm working on paying that off, but I kept it just in case of emergencies, and even though it would make paying it off much further down the road, it is there.
We're not going to end up homeless. Partly for the same reason as we're not going to lose everything and partly because the house itself is paid for. I don't owe a mortgage, just on the line of credit.
I have to change my way of thinking on how I spend the money I earn. I have to learn to be the responsible steward.
There is a big difference in need and want. I have to remember to ask myself, do I need this or want this? And pay attention to the answer.
When I bought the Jeep I now drive, I needed another vehicle. My Explorer was old, it was not as dependable as it once had been and the gas mileage was horrendous. I feared it stopping on me somewhere on the road and being left in a bad situation while I waited on our road service to respond. Even though I purchased one of the least expensive vehicles, I realize I could have gotten a different car cheaper elsewhere. The fact that my son works for the dealership and I could get service easier, and a family discount, helped to make my decision. Plus the fact that I can go weeks and not mere days before I have to purchase gas helps.
Flowers, I do love flowers. I love the colors, I love the feelings that seeing flowers brings, I love the fact that they feed the bees, butterfly and hummingbirds. They bring a peace to my heart. But they tend to be expensive to purchase unless you find them marked down. Still, they are a want, not a real need. I can reason that they cheer me up when I'm feeling down. I can say that they are cheaper than therapy, or healthier than getting drunk, (I don't consume alcohol so that isn't happening anyway). I think, that even though I would love to have a yard filled with flowers, I can get near the same emotion from viewing flowers elsewhere, as in seeing the wildflowers growing along a hiking trail.
Solar lights are pretty to look at, but not a necessity. Time to walk away quietly.
My grocery bill is out the roof. I believe partly because there was a time long past but not forgotten when food was not as abundant. Even though that was nearly forty years ago, some things remain deep in your mind. A trauma of sorts that lies lurking just below the surface causing problems that you may not even realize. Until it is brought to your attention.
My thoughts here is that I need to start finding recipes for healthy meals for two, or recipes that can be cut down some to make smaller amounts. Once I have this collection, I can start purchasing groceries only for the meals planned. I also need to start paying more attention to the sales papers for the local grocery stores. I can then adapt and change to what is on sale and therefore better for the budget.
Ah yes, the dreaded budget. Something that I haven't bothered creating. A fact that has come back to bite me. That too, will have to happen.
We do have this bundled package for phone, television and internet. When I got the notice that it was going up I called the service. I ended up having some programing removed to bring the cost back down. We only have the basic cable, so it wasn't that we had all the bells and whistles, just a few extra bells that were silenced.
I'm remembering the words of my folks, and even though the lights are LEDs and use less electricity, as I told my son, they use none when turned off. The plan is also to try and go as long as possible before turning on the air conditioner.
There are many things that we don't do that help, but it also cuts back on the things that may have otherwise been available to help. Still, doing what we can, will make a difference.
Right now, the main thing for me, is the changing of attitude. I have to gain the understanding that I'm not punishing myself for mistakes, I'm working on correcting those mistakes. I have to gain the understanding that , yes, I did mess up, but it isn't something that can't be fixed. There are multiple ways that this can be worked on and dug out of in time.
When my husband passed away, I was very careful in what I spent and how. I trused God to help guide my steps, my thoughts and yes, even and especially my spending. I can go back to that again. I'm ready for and taking that first step today.
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