Yesterday, was not one of my better days. There are days, when the struggle to just simply, be, is difficult. When I feel as if everything is against me, every, single, thing in my life is not in my favor and I'm sinking into a pit of which there is no escape.
Yesterday, was the last day of a difficult work week. I work in a manufacturing plant. This past week, the manager of the department in which I work, was on a much deserved vacation. That left me overseeing the fun house. She left me a detailed note of the important things to take care of, in their order of importance. Also in that note was a variety of other information. Even though, I am not a superstitious person, on Tuesday, I told a coworker that the manager had jinxed me. On the back of the note, in big letters were the words "Have a good week!". To say that while it wasn't a horrendously bad week, Murphy's Law really showed up in full force. The stress of trying to do a good job and get everything done was showing up in multiple ways. I kept a low grade headache all week. My sleep patterns which aren't the best anyway, were shredded. Confusion and forgetfulness were apparent by Thursday. Not dangerously bad, but enough that it was frustrating.
By 5pm, Thursday afternoon, even though I was home, the stress endured was evident. It was all I could do to keep my eyes open. I was near tears, that won't fall. My son came in and told me it was time to go after a load of wood a friend had given us. James knew of the week I had endured, but we had planned on doing this, so I had to hold up my end of the agreement. We went after the wood, loaded the truck with a portion of what had been given and left for home. As we pulled into the dirt road we live on, James made the comment that his grandmother had asked for the wood. Fine, I told him to go ahead and give it to her. So even though I watched as wood that was meant for us disappeared from the truck into mom's yard, I said nothing. James did this for two reasons. One they need wood too, and two, he didn't want to cut up the larger pieces. Still, we also need wood and knowing that had me again, feeling near tears, those that refuse to ever fall.
I walked back up to the house after the wood was unloaded and waited on James. I didn't have my house key to get in. When he walked up he noticed my expression and asked what was wrong. Just tired. There is nothing he can do about the other emotions strangling me. I don't want him to worry anyway.
The fact that I allowed myself to get into a perceived financial bind doesn't, hasn't helped. I was very careful for so long, then this. I know, I got complacent and careless. I spent too much, apparently with an, it will be there, attitude. When my husband was alive he had the attitude of 'you only live once, there will always be money as long as I'm working'. I am guessing that somewhere in the back of my mind, that attitude had once again arisen. When I had overtime at work, it wasn't a problem, because the money was there. No, I didn't go out and buy things like mega expensive vehicles or splurge on jewelry or even eat out every day. My worst offense was groceries, lots and lots of groceries. I believe, due to a time forty years ago, when there wasn't enough groceries and that fear still lives in the back of my head. Even though now, I am in a totally different life.
I also deal with anxiety. I can't do this because that might happen. I can't do that because I don't know how, I get lost, I might get hurt. I'm fighting it, sometimes I think I am overcoming it, then it like a phoenix rising up attacks again. I allow incidents to feed it and make it grow. Silly things as in, I don't know where to park, so I won't go. Then I feel guilty because I am a Christian and feel as if I should have more faith and less fear.
Then, rationality sets in. Once I am better rested and out of stressful situations, I can take the time to think and better understand.
First, yes, I am a Christian, but that doesn't mean that I am not going to have difficult days. The truth is, that being a Christian can mean that there will be more difficult days to deal with. When you live a life of love, hate tries to attack on a moment by moment basis. Evil is not happy when things are good and life is going well. It seeks out your weakness and works diligently to make you miserable. If you are miserable and showing it, then others will not want what you have in your heart. They will see nothing encouraging in your actions. While we shouldn't hide the fact that we are human, we can show that we know the way to improve what is happening. We can show, that we understand we are not walking through this life alone, struggling alone to overcome evil's attacks.
Psalm 121 King James Version (KJV)
121 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
2 My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.3 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
4 Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand.
6 The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
8 The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.
King James Version (KJV) Public Domain
The Lord is My Shepherd
1{A Psalm of David.} The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
There is a great peace in knowing that in my struggles, I am not abandoned and alone.:
https://www.christiantoday.com/article/7-bible-verses-to-remind-you-god-is-always-with-you/107961.htm
There is power and peace in the remembering that I do not walk this alone. Even on the days when I feel as if I have plenty of acquaintances but so few friends, I am still not alone. James looked at me funny yesterday when he made a comment about me going out with friends and I looked at him and asked, I have friends? In his ever honest approach, he told me that if I didn't, it was my fault. I'm the one who hides here.
Second, the financial bind that I created, I tend to give it more power over my thoughts than I should. Yes, I do have bills to pay. Yes, I do need to have food for the family. Yes, I do have things that are essential such as fuel for the car and propane for the house needs. However, these are not going unpaid. Yet, they are growing in their control over my moments of irrational and useless emotions.
25Therefore
I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or
what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not
the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
26Behold
the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor
gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not
much better than they?
27Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
28And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
29And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
Third, my allowance of every day stress, is something that if I don't get a handle on, can cause greater problems. I know, that this too, can be taken care of in the right faith and manner:
https://www.theodysseyonline.com/15-bible-verses-calm-anxious-mind
The battle is real, the solution even more so.
No comments:
Post a Comment