Solitude Issues

 

I miss working. While I know how blessed I am to be able to be here for my parents and I wouldn't change this, I miss working. I took early retirement to be able to be here. This is not what my idea of retirement was, but I'm coming to find that nothing is what my ideas were.

I am very thankful that I am able to be here for my parents. It's kind of funny that just like new parents worry over if they are doing things right in taking care of their children, I worry over if I'm doing things right taking care of my parents. They are not fully incapable of taking care of themselves, but they do need help in some things. I pray often for discernment in my words and actions. Praying that whatever the need, I get it right. Taking care of them though, means I need to be around. I never know when something might come up or happen or cause issues. I'm not alone in their care as family also help but the extended family have jobs or other responsibilities which I do not. While I know being here has purpose, I miss that different sort of purpose. 

 Still, I miss working. I miss all the things that working offers. I miss feeling as if I am contributing something for myself, for my family, for society at large.

 I miss the having a schedule, an itinerary of what needed to be done when. A timetable that kept mind and body busy. I miss knowing that my days would have something going on at all times. I don't miss getting up at four in the morning but ten hour days meant long weekends.

 

 I miss the paycheck. I miss knowing I was going to have that much money, a bit more if over time was involved. It never seemed enough, especially after my husband passed away but it covered what was needed.

 

I miss the time with coworkers. The conversations, however brief, during the work day. The time of socialization, the coming together of minds and ideas. The laughter, the stress, the acceptance of differences. The simply being around other people on a regular basis. I even somewhat miss the confrontations that were always worked out in the end. I don't so much miss dealing with management as management always seemed to have their own agendas. The fact that I didn't play their political type games didn't help.

More than anything, I miss the people. I miss the companionship of coworkers. I miss the conversations. I miss having the connection no matter how small, with coworkers. Even with the annoyances.

Don't get me wrong. I love taking care of my parents, being here for them in their time of need. I am deeply thankful for this time. I know that I have been set aside from the work force to be able to be here for them. They took care of me many times when I had needs, how could I do any less for them?

Its the solitude that gets difficult sometimes.