How does one feel about being diagnosed with cancer? It seemed that every possible thought and emotion fell on me at the same time. I was also at the same time dealing with a depressed husband fighting to find work. In a way the distraction was good, but in a way, to be honest I felt ignored. I knew, really, that finding him a job was important for many reasons. He needed to be the family provider. He needed to be working, doing something. Sitting at home talking to recruiter after recruiter, one after another Human Resource person, head hunters galore spoke with him, but the end answer was always the same when they checked on his last employer. He was getting very discouraged and I, was keeping my fears and worries to myself. I took long walks when I could and spent a lot of the time walking praying. Talking with my Lord who I knew was with me. Even in my faith, I still wished there was someone I could talk with here, someone who wouldn't have to have all the answers, just listen and offer a hug when one was needed. Instead I kept quiet about my worries and when asked told everyone I was fine. Apparently people hear and see what they want to because no one ever questioned my response. No one--save my mother-- ever challenged my "I'm fine" response. But I would smile and tell her, "no, really I'm fine." and she would let it drop.
There were so many tests that had to be done before my surgery. I had to have an MRI done. I'm claustrophobic. Walking into that room and seeing that thing waiting for me gave me cold chills. I had to do this, I didn't want to do this. I had an MRI one time before, it was all I could do to get through it. Here I was in the exact same room, looking at the exact same torture device waiting for me. They tell you don't move, how does one not move when they are shaking so badly if they were given a glass of milk and ice-cream they would have a well blended milkshake in a nanosecond? I watched as they put everything in place then turned to me. My mantra of "I can do this, I CAN do this" repeated over and over in my head. I listened as they explained what I needed to do and what they were going to do. I don't recall a word of it but remain still.
I took my position on the contraption and felt every muscle drawing into a tight knot as I was pushed into the device. Immediately every bit of oxeye left the machine. Immediately it felt as if every muscle, nerve and joint in my body began doing some weird tango. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to be able to breath..I wanted more than anything for this test to be done and over with. I did not want to have to deal with this again so I tried to et my mind on anything else but the fact I felt I were suffocating. I heard all the pings and noises the machine made as it worked. It wasn't as funny this time as it was the first. I knew what was wrong this time, but that didn't help. How long is eternity? It felt as if I were in that thing for an eternity before I was brought out but it was only a teaser as they injected something into me and shoved me right back in. Did they not understand my fear? Could they have not left me out just a few more moments allowing me to suck in enough oxygen that I could survive this? I felt as if my heart were pounding out of my chest. My ears rang and popped as if I were under water. I feared my trembling would ruin the results and I would be back in this thing if I ever got out. When I heard the noises stop and felt the table I was stretched out on moving outward I felt like crying again, but this time in relief. It was finished, over, I had done it. I had to have help getting up and it took a moment to get steady on my feet, but that was behind me. And no one would ever know just how afraid I had been. I'm strong in my faith, I'm not supposed to be afraid..even as my heart knew I was okay-I am human. I have human weaknesses-that doesn't diminish my faith, or make me less faithful. It just gives me cause to reach out more for my Lord in faith, know that He understands and doesn't judge me for my weakness as others might. Getting through these storms helps me to find my way, strengthen my relationship and faith. And I had this one down and gone.
I still had to have a chest x-ray done and blood work. I could run by the diagnostic center and have that done after work one day as I didn't need an appointment for that. Don't ever- ever- drop by any where that they are going to stick you on a Friday afternoon just before time to go home. I got there, and got back really quickly. The guy doing the work was not the friendliest person I had met to date but he wasn't rude. It appeared his mind was already on his weekend. Which would explain why I felt as if I had been harpooned and ended up with some pretty nasty looking bruising. The lady doing the x-ray was the exact opposite and I had no problems or complaints about her professionalism.
Somewhere in the mix of all this I had to get the preop stuff taken care of. Have you ever played 20 questions? By the time this was finished the questioner probably knew more about me than anyone else ever has or will. I struggled to remember some things but I hoped that she would be understanding. I was preparing to face cancer surgery after all. They had said my cancer was small. They saw no problem in getting it all. I should be- would be fine. It was still cancer and I was still doing all I could to keep my fears and concerns locked away in a box in the back of my mind. While all the while I wanted someone to stand up to me and demand to know what was going on in my head. No one did and while even now I hurt a little over that, it doesn't rule my life. It isn't something I dwell on.
The surgery date was set. Soon, very soon they would be once again wheeling me back to cut on me. The first time for the surgical biopsy it had been done in outpatient surgery. This, the actual surgery would be done in the hospital. I was scared, yet I wasn't scared. I wanted it over with, I wanted it to have never happened to begin with. I understood there was a reason, but I wished, oh how I wished that I were stronger. That I knew more, asked more questions, had an understanding of what God's reasoning was. I didn't..and yet, maybe I did.
My cancer was small. It had been caught early. I am a writer, I can write about my experiences along the way. Maybe, just maybe there is someone out there that needs to read of my battle and can gain some encouragement and strength. Maybe, I can ease a fear, maybe I can help someone preparing to undergo this by letting them know a bit of what may be ahead. Maybe, by writing about it- I can push my own fears away.
One week, seven days before my surgery I was at work. A co-worker came out through the department I work in. From a distance she looked as if she either had been or was crying. I approached her and asked if she was alright. She looked up, took a step closer and told me she had the flu. Every alarm bell in my head started screaming as I backed away as quickly as I could. I didn't even care if I insulted her. My surgery was in a week, a week is what it generally takes for something to germ-inate in your system. I tried to stay away from her even as she kept coming into our department and for what ever reason kept seeking me out. I finally in frustration and anger called her boss and reminded her of my upcoming surgery and would she PLEASE keep this person away from me. She calmed my down by telling me she had already sent her home. Still, now I had that worry. Had I gotten too close? Would I now take the flu and cause my surgery to be delayed? As if I weren't worried enough. Thankfully I did not come down with the flu. The surgery would take place as scheduled.
It is the year 2008, I have breast cancer- but I was raised strong. I was raised to fight, to be independent. It is 2008, I have breast cancer, I am a Christian, I am not walking this alone. Bring on the surgery- I'm ready.
Blessed, a collection of God given inspirational poetry by Rebecca Stepp Revels is available now @
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The Legend of Dragon's Doom:a Young Warrior's vow, by RS Revels is available @
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