in the beginning there was denial-part two of my cancer story

My husband had lost his job in January of 2008. He and the trucking company he worked for at that time came to a less than amicable parting of the ways. He and I had been doing everything we could to find him another job. He was getting calls, but once they checked with that former employer all interest ended. It seemed that they were determined to prevent his finding another job. I had never experienced someone being blackballed before now, it isn't pretty, it isn't fair and its darn near impossible to fight. But we tried. I would find sites online were you could fill out one application and it would be sent to multiple companies. Together my husband and I would fill out his applications and with a prayer send them on their way. I had faith that someone would decide to give him a chance. We just had to find them.

We thought we had found that company when he spoke at length with a recruiter. They set it up for him to attend an orientation session. He left the day I was to find out the results of my surgical biopsy.

I was on my way home from getting the results. He was on a bus headed for a hoped for second chance. I remember exactly where I was when he answered my call. I was leaving Ranlo just about to start around Spencer Mountain. I was babbling about his bus ride when he interrupted and asked point blank. I had to tell him. I wasn't really afraid, my faith was strong enough I knew I wasn't alone in this, but I didn't want to tell him. Yet I had no choice. I took a deep breath and told him, the results are that I have breast cancer. They think its small and that they should be able to get it all with surgery. He was very quiet for a few minutes then asked if I wanted him to come back. No, go ahead and attend this orientation, it may be your only chance. Nothing is going to happen yet and there's nothing you can do. I'm fine. He wasn't happy, but he knew this time I was right. We didn't talk much longer, we both had a lot to think on.

I still had my family to tell.

My mother took it hard, even as she had suspected from the moment that technician had acted so oddly about the ultrasound she had remained quiet. We talked for a few moments and then I went on my way. Mom called me on the phone and was talking when I received a call from the doctor's office on my cell phone. I told mom I had to go I had a call from the doctor's office I'd call her back. I don't even remember what they wanted. I finished the conversation and instead of calling mom back, I went for a walk. As I made my way back up the dirt road I met my mother and brother. Mom looked terrified and my brother looked stricken. I will never, as long as I live forget the expression on his face. He couldn't even look at me at first. Realizing one's mortality is a difficult and bitter pill to swallow. Mom lectured me on not calling her back and scaring her by not answering my phone. She didn't know what the call had been about and had no idea what I was doing or might do. We stood there in the middle of the Dirt Road talking. I finally got forgiveness and got my brother to looking at me. It was relatively easy to convince them I believed that everything was going to be fine.. I did believe that. But my human side still was weak at times and the fear and apprehension would sneak in and make me miserable.

My son took it quietly. He never says a lot, but you can see his emotions in his eyes.

My youngest brother, he called to find out how I was. He has a big family and works long hours. But he cared enough to check. Mom called my aunt and uncle out in California to let them know.

My family now knew. Tomorrow, I was going to have to tell them at work. How I wasn't sure, but it had to be told as I knew that at least for a while, my world was going to be turned upside down and inside out.

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