All that I want to do, I can’t. I want to go back to that morning, no further back than that. I want to go to the beginning of the weekend when you said that you were feeling bad, that you thought you had the flu, and tell you to come home. You said that maybe you would feel better if you rested for the weekend. That rest didn’t help. You asked your dispatcher to find you a run home so you could go see your doctor. That part I didn’t know until later. I called you that morning as I always did. I couldn’t understand what you were saying, I thought we had a bad connection or some such so I disconnected and called you back. When you answered, I asked how you were. You, being you, being ill, were abrupt and asked me ‘how do you think?” Before I could respond, you told me to ‘let me go’. Instead of telling you that I loved you, I merely disconnected the call and went back to work.
I tried every break after that to reach you. I let that phone ring until its a wonder the battery didn’t go. I found out just before quitting time, that I would never reach you again in this life.
William Wordsworth said that “Life is divided into three terms, that which was, which is, and which will be. Let us learn from the past to profit by the presence and from the presence, to live better in the future.”
Every since that day, what was, has played over and again in my head and heart. Every vacation or day trip that we took. Every concert or fair or theme park that we visited, floats through my memory. I recall your laugh and your exaggerated yawns. How you so loved this crazy dog and those greasy slices of pizza from the local warehouse store. I recall the things that you said to me, from your complaints to your plans. What was, what we had, was not always smooth, but it was ours and it was special.
What is, at times frightens me. I stand and see someone who I am not sure I recognize. It is a person who is alone, who sometimes feels abandoned, not so much by you, but yes, by you. Also by so many of those others who promised to be there, who said we will do this or that, go here or there and suddenly they have vanished. That’s okay though, I realize that people have their own lives and families and responsibilities. I can’t expect them to baby sit me. I am working on learning and gaining new strengths and the ability to stand on and go on my own. What is, apparently is the new normal that I never wanted to face, but must. I am growing, slowly. I am learning to respect myself and the things I’m learning to handle. I’m learning to stand up for me, to believe in me, to look to the what will be in a new feeling of excitement.
William Wordsworth also said, “to begin, begin.” And so I will. The temperatures should start to lower some since it is now fall of the year. You wouldn’t know that today, but I know its coming. I should be able to get out more and do things I haven’t done during the summer. I want to climb Crowder’s Mountain with Bella. I want to go to the Kings Mountain Battleground. I want to find these greenways around here and hike and photograph. That won’t happen until I begin.
I recall growing up here, pretending to be an adventurer, pretending to be an explorer who was out discovering amazing things. I was finding water for a thirsting village. I was finding lost civilizations, wild animals. I was a secret agent saving the world. I was anything I imagined myself to be. Now, adult that I profess and pretend to be, I can actually do more than just pretend. I can take up my camera, my backpack and my walking stick, attach the leash to this crazy dog and begin.
Margaret Cavendish put it this way, “I would rather die in the adventure of noble achievements, than live in obscure and sluggish security.”
So maybe, since I can’t do what I wanna do as far as going back and changing what was, I can hold you close in my heart and cherish your memory, and carry it with me forward into the future and the adventures that await.