I feel, at times, like a fraud, a hypocrite of the worst sort. I talk a good talk, all the while hiding a secret. A deep seated sadness and despair. I am here, fighting depression with everything I have. Prayer. Prayer and determination.
When my husband was alive he needed and expected at least one of us to be available at any given time. He knew that I couldn’t answer the phone at work (its a lose your job offense) but I called him every break to make sure everything was going well. At home, that phone would probably and most likely ring every five minutes. There was almost always some major- never minor- disaster going on. Some either I or James could find a way to fix, others were up to his dispatcher, there were a couple of times we did have to call on the big guns but that was rare. Because of this, I lost friends, and have misplaced the ability to make friends, or in the least, enjoy the company of others as I am so accustomed to being here, waiting on that phone to ring. I’ve lost the ability to create small talk, to simply have a good time with others.
Its dark here alone.
That may be one of the reasons for all of the solar lights, and the battery operated candles that are in the windows and on the shelves. To combat the dark.
Sitting here, within the walls of this house, where it is safe, I have misplaced my courage. I go to work and back. I go to church. I go to Walmart for groceries. Then I come home and hide. There are radios in this house that play nonstop. It fills the quiet. It helps make me feel less alone.
I rarely walk any more. I need to, but the dark here, holds me tightly and I don’t go. Its hunting season now, I have my blaze orange, but a part of me asks, why bother? Back in 2008, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I walked every day. There was always something different waiting to be seen. There was a comforting, healing peace in those walks. My husband was here though, if he wasn't at home making sure I wasn't gone too long, he was calling on the phone, lecturing me about being out as darkness fell. He was always concerned about my being safe. The darkness has somehow convinced me that there is no healing to be found out there now. The darkness is a sticky stretch of misleading thoughts, over active imagination, and exaggerated emotions. The darkness lies and does it well.
The darkness, is a cancer of the spirit, slowly eating away at life and living.
The darkness, feeds the fear. It feeds the feeling of loneliness. It multiplies the feelings of being forgotten. It lies, but it lies in a believable way. The darkness, dares you to speak out. To express any needs. The darkness tells you that no one wants to hear, no one is even listening to begin with. The darkness tells you, that you are all on your own and will forever on be that way. Alone. The darkness dares you to cry, dares you to express any emotions. The darkness tells you that any feelings, any requests for anything at all, are a sign of weakness.
The darkness is a monster, A dragon that breathes a fire of darkness and expels smoke of sadness.
But I will fight, I refuse to give in to this. I refuse to believe the lies of the dark and seek the light. There is a Light of Hope. There is Light of Faith. There is a Light that washes away the darkness. To that Light I run. To that Light I cling. To that Light, I whisper the words that dark demands I hide, I fear being alone. I fear the future. I am envious of those who just get up and go. I miss the part of me that I lost somewhere, the one who was brave enough to just get up and go. I whisper my fears of the dark, to the Light and I know, that I am not alone. That this battle will make me stronger, as long as I take the hand of the Light and listen for the words.
The dark, will lose, will fade, will disappear eventually. Even in this, there is a reason, a purpose, a plan. I will cling, I will pray, I will wait. For the Light will come.