The Battle is real

  Yesterday, was not one of my better days. There are days, when the struggle to just simply, be, is difficult. When I feel as if everything is against me, every, single, thing in my life is not in my favor and I'm sinking into a pit of which there is no escape.
 Yesterday, was the last day of a difficult work week. I work in a manufacturing plant. This past week, the manager of the department in which I work, was on a much deserved vacation. That left me overseeing the fun house. She left me a detailed note of the important things to take care of, in their order of importance. Also in that note was a variety of other information. Even though, I am not a superstitious person, on Tuesday, I told a coworker that the manager had jinxed me. On the back of the note, in big letters were the words "Have a good week!". To say that while it wasn't a horrendously bad week, Murphy's Law really showed up in full force. The stress of trying to do a good job and get everything done was showing up in multiple ways. I kept a low grade headache all week. My sleep patterns which aren't the best anyway, were shredded. Confusion and forgetfulness were apparent by Thursday. Not dangerously bad, but enough that it was frustrating.
 By 5pm, Thursday afternoon, even though I was home, the stress endured was evident. It was all I could do to keep my eyes open. I was near tears, that won't fall. My son came in and told me it was time to go after a load of wood a friend had given us. James knew of the week I had endured, but we had planned on doing this, so I had to hold up my end of the agreement. We went after the wood, loaded the truck with a portion of what had been given and left for home. As we pulled into the dirt road we live on, James made the comment that his grandmother had asked for the wood. Fine, I told him to go ahead and give it to her. So even though I watched as wood that was meant for us disappeared from the truck into mom's yard, I said nothing. James did this for two reasons. One they need wood too, and two, he didn't want to cut up the larger pieces. Still, we also need wood and knowing that had me again, feeling near tears, those that refuse to ever fall.
 I walked back up to the house after the wood was unloaded and waited on James. I didn't have my house key to get in. When he walked up he noticed my expression and asked what was wrong. Just tired. There is nothing he can do about the other emotions strangling me. I don't want him to worry anyway.
  The fact that I allowed myself to get into a perceived financial bind doesn't, hasn't helped. I was very careful for so long, then this. I know, I got complacent and careless. I spent too much, apparently with an, it will be there, attitude. When my husband was alive he had the attitude of 'you only live once, there will always be money as long as I'm working'. I am guessing that somewhere in the back of my mind, that attitude had once again arisen. When I had overtime at work, it wasn't a problem, because the money was there. No, I didn't go out and buy things like mega expensive vehicles or splurge on jewelry or even eat out every day. My worst offense was groceries, lots and lots of groceries. I believe, due to a time forty years ago, when there wasn't enough groceries and that fear still lives in the back of my head. Even though now, I am in a totally different life.
 I also deal with anxiety. I can't do this because that might happen. I can't do that because I don't know how, I get lost, I might get hurt. I'm fighting it, sometimes I think I am overcoming it, then it like a phoenix rising up attacks again. I allow incidents to feed it and make it grow. Silly things as in, I don't know where to park, so I won't go. Then I feel guilty because I am a Christian and feel as if I should have more faith and less fear.

  Then, rationality  sets in. Once I am better rested and out of stressful situations, I can take the time to think and better understand.
  First, yes, I am a Christian, but that doesn't mean that I am not going to have difficult days. The truth is, that being a Christian can mean that there will be more difficult days to deal with. When you live a life of love, hate tries to attack on a moment by moment basis. Evil is not happy when things are good and life is going well. It seeks out your weakness and works diligently to make you miserable. If you are miserable and showing it, then others will not want what you have in your heart. They will see nothing encouraging in your actions. While we shouldn't hide the fact that we are human, we can show that we know the way to improve what is happening.  We can show, that we understand we are not walking through this life alone, struggling alone to overcome evil's attacks.

Psalm 121 King James Version (KJV)

121 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

² My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.
³ He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
⁴ Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
⁵ The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
⁷ The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
⁸ The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

King James Version (KJV) Public Domain

The Lord is My Shepherd

(Ezekiel 34:11-24; John 10:1-21)

1{A Psalm of David.} The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

 There is a great peace in knowing that in my struggles, I am not abandoned and alone.:

 https://www.christiantoday.com/article/7-bible-verses-to-remind-you-god-is-always-with-you/107961.htm

 There is power and peace in the remembering that I do not walk this alone. Even on the days when I feel as if I have plenty of acquaintances but so few friends, I am still not alone. James looked at me funny yesterday when he made a comment about me going out with friends and I looked at him and asked, I have friends? In his ever honest approach, he told me that if I didn't, it was my fault. I'm the one who hides here.

Second, the financial bind that I created, I tend to give it more power over my thoughts than I should. Yes, I do have bills to pay. Yes, I do need to have food for the family. Yes, I do have things that are essential such as fuel for the car and propane for the house needs. However, these are not going unpaid. Yet, they are growing in their control over my moments of irrational and useless emotions.

(Luke 12:22-34)

25Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Third, my allowance of every day stress, is something that if I don't get a handle on, can cause greater problems. I know, that this too, can be taken care of in the right faith and manner:

 https://www.theodysseyonline.com/15-bible-verses-calm-anxious-mind

The battle is real, the solution even more so.

 

Sometimes, you have to take the painful steps

     When I learned what I had get myself into financially, I sat down and tried to figure out what I could do to climb out of this hole. I knew that it had taken me a while to dig this, it was going to take a while to climb out. I knew too, that what I was going to have to do, was look at some ways that might hurt.
      Years ago, my husband had wanted a pick up truck. We found him one that someone was selling that didn't want an arm, leg and half your fingers for the thing. It was an older truck, and you could tell it had been driven quite a bit. But it was still a truck, we could afford it and it was relatively dependable. At that time.
  It was also one of the few things that we had left of his after his passing. My son only drive it to haul off our trash or to pick up a load of firewood from time to time. You could only make one trip as it got a bit cranky if you tried to do more than that. Then, it decided that it wasn't going to crank at all. We're still not exactly sure what's wrong with it, but the renewal tag was due and it needed to be inspected. Something that you couldn't do if it wouldn't start. I made the decision to take the insurance off of it and park it for the time being. I was going to sell it, but my son didn't want me to go that far so its in the drive, just not able to be driven.
  When I canceled the insurance on the truck, I wasn't sure what that would do to my bill. I was now a single driver, single vehicle insured customer. Happily when the bill came it was lower than I had anticipated. That is going to make a big difference in the monthly bills since I have my insurance set up to deduct monthly from my checking account.
  My cell phone bill has dropped down from what it was originally. There is a couple of things I need to check into, things that may drop it a bit more.
  Changing our cable programming to remove some extras is going to help keep it from jumping sky high. I may still have to look at other alternatives in the future. Still, ever small step, is progress.
 I generally don't do yard sales, because I live off the main road where there is so little traffic. If I do go through my stuff and decide I might have enough for one, I think I know where I can set up though. Even a few dollars is a plus at this point.
  When I purchased groceries last weekend, I did not buy one of the things that I had been purchasing for snacks at work. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel eating less and still trying to work. There really wasn't any problem, so there is one more thing I know I can do without.
 Yep, I can do this. One step, even painful, baby steps, at a time.
 I sit here and look at the things I'm paying for now, things that back when I was young we had never even heard of, much less grown so accustomed to having that we didn't want to part with because we wouldn't know how to live without them. I'm sitting here thinking, I know, I am not the only person, who has suddenly found themselves in this position. I know, that others have dug out, climbed out, fought their way out. I can do this. I will do this. Being frugal, is not the end of the world.

With so little cash, what to do for Mother's Day

    When my checking account balance dropped to such a small amount, I knew that I was going to have to make changes in my spending habits. I have done well so far. I was very careful to follow my grocery list with the result being a bill that was at least sixty dollars less than the week before. I have stayed out of the garden centers or places such as Lowe's garden centers. I've bought nothing that wasn't needed.
But Mother's Day.
 I could not ignore Mother's Day. I could not, not do something for mom. I knew that she had said that the chair that I gave her for her birthday was enough for her birthday and for Mother's Day, but I wanted to do something on this day. The less expensive it was, the better because even though mom doesn't know of my financial blunder, she still worries over how much we spend on her.
So, what to do?
 Then I remembered. She has been after me to get some photos that I took printed out for her to have. I never got my printer set up to take anything less than half a page and she said she would be happy with a 4x6. I uploaded them to a web site of wally world, waited for the email letting me know they were ready then drove down to pick them up.
 I walked into this store and wished I had my winter coat. They had the air conditioning set up to below freezing and I couldn't get those photos picked up and out of there quickly enough. I was in such a hurry I didn't even look at them, I just went, picked up a pet brush and headed for check out. When I got home, I got the couple of photos I had made for me out and then got mom's ready. I found a small box, placed the photos on the inside and taped it closed. Carrying the box down to mom I waited while she opened it, fighting with the tape. I didn't mean to make it difficult, but it was fun watching her fight shipping tape.
 The moment she opened the box and saw the envelope holing the photos, she was nearly stunned. "Is this what I think it is?" When she opened the envelope and saw the photos she was in near tears. she looked through them no less than three times. Her happiness at getting the photos finally, genuine.
 I learned something that I guess I had always known, and forgotten, moms love anything we give them. Mom's don't care if what you give is not mega expensive. Mom's love those things that just show love.
 When you can't give cars, houses or year round cruises, you can give your time, your abilities, your love. Sitting with mom, watching her happiness over a few photos, I thought maybe, I'm getting better at this gift giving thing. Maybe, I have learned, that there is no gift that is worth more than our time. There is no gift, that is more worthy, than just showing love. There is no gift more worthy, than finally getting photos that she's wanted for over a year, printed and gifted to her. Just taking the time to say, "I love you."
 I only spent $3.75 cent on the photos. I'm guessing, that she wouldn't take a million dollars for them, even though I would hope that she would, I can always have more printed..

Changing of attitude is the first step

 So this week I have allowed myself to get completely overwrought over my finances. I made a comment about it on social media and was told, "at least you're not in the red" which was so very true. My fears were that they didn't know how close that was possible. My fears were, I need to take care of this thing, I have to order that thing, we're out of another thing. And there was no money in the checking account to cover it. My fears were of falling back deeply into debt and having no ladder out. My fears, were winning.
 Then my guilt trip began. It was all my fault. I hadn't paid close enough attention to what I was spending. I was spending too much. I wasn't being careful. I wasn't being a good steward of my money. I wasn't being sure enough in my faith, to trust that God could and would take care of this situation, even though it was due to my lack of attention.
 Then I began trying to brainstorm ways to fix it myself. I could get a part time job and maybe I would have enough energy and capability to handle it. I could sell things that I don't use that much or are not really needed. I could buy cheaper less healthy food stuff. I could scrounge through all of the chair cushions and under, around and through things to try and find loose change to wrap and deposit. I could gather things to have a yard sale. But nearly everything in my house is used until its worn out and ready to be tossed not sold.
 I then realized, that I was once again trying to fix things myself.
But I put myself into this mess, spending on an overtime check and not a forty hour check, there is a big difference. I have bought things that weren't one hundred percent necessary. The mistakes flooding my thoughts in an attempt to drown me emotionally and tear me down physically. I was near tears, but I'm not one who cries easily. I kept berating myself that if I had saved more of that overtime money rather than spending it so readily, I wouldn't be in this mess. I am very hard on myself.
 So, this morning I am thinking, I am not showing much of my Christian faith by allowing all of this worry into my life. No matter what happens, God is in control. Yes, He allowed me in my free will to happily go my way, getting into this mess, but He won't abandon me now that I've awakened to what I've done. Like the prodigal son who came to his senses and went home to a grand welcome, I know I will be welcomed back to my senses and placed on the right path.
 It will begin, with a change of attitude.
 First, I need to chase away the fears. We're not going to go hungry. We may not have snack food in abundance, I may have to cut back on what I take to work to eat. We may not have steak and potatoes every night. But we won't go hungry. How many of our ancestors ate just what they had, and were fine? Besides that, my parents live next door, there is no way mom would allow her grandson, grown that he is, to go hungry.
I'm not going to lose everything I have. I do still have that line of credit. I'm working on paying that off, but I kept it just in case of emergencies, and even though it would make paying it off much further down the road, it is there.
We're not going to end up homeless. Partly for the same reason as we're not going to lose everything and partly because the house itself is paid for. I don't owe a mortgage, just on the line of credit.
 I have to change my way of thinking on how I spend the money I earn. I have to learn to be the responsible steward.
 There is a big difference in need and want. I have to remember to ask myself, do I need this or want this? And pay attention to the answer.
 When I bought the Jeep I now drive, I needed another vehicle. My Explorer was old, it was not as dependable as it once had been and the gas mileage was horrendous. I feared it stopping on me somewhere on the road and being left in a bad situation while I waited on our road service to respond. Even though I purchased one of the least expensive vehicles, I realize I could have gotten a different car cheaper elsewhere. The fact that my son works for the dealership and I could get service easier, and a family discount, helped to make my decision. Plus the fact that I can go weeks and not mere days before I have to purchase gas helps.
 Flowers, I do love flowers. I love the colors, I love the feelings that seeing flowers brings, I love the fact that they feed the bees, butterfly and hummingbirds. They bring a peace to my heart. But they tend to be expensive to purchase unless you find them marked down. Still, they are a want, not a real need. I can reason that they cheer me up when I'm feeling down. I can say that they are cheaper than therapy, or healthier than getting drunk, (I don't consume alcohol so that isn't happening anyway). I think, that even though I would love to have a yard filled with flowers, I can get near the same emotion from viewing flowers elsewhere, as in seeing the wildflowers growing along a hiking trail.
 Solar lights are pretty to look at, but not a necessity. Time to walk away quietly.
My grocery bill is out the roof. I believe partly because there was a time long past but not forgotten when food was not as abundant. Even though that was nearly forty years ago, some things remain deep in your mind. A trauma of sorts that lies lurking just below the surface causing problems that you may not even realize. Until it is brought to your attention.
 My thoughts here is that I need to start finding recipes for healthy meals for two, or recipes that can be cut down some to make smaller amounts. Once I have this collection, I can start purchasing groceries only for the meals planned. I also need to start paying more attention to the sales papers for the local grocery stores. I can then adapt and change to what is on sale and therefore better for the budget.
 Ah yes, the dreaded budget. Something that I haven't bothered creating. A fact that has come back to bite me. That too, will have to happen.
  We do have this bundled package for phone, television and internet. When I got the notice that it was going up I called the service. I ended up having some programing removed to bring the cost back down. We only have the basic cable, so it wasn't that we had all the bells and whistles, just a few extra bells that were silenced.
 I'm remembering the words of my folks, and even though the lights are LEDs and use less electricity, as I told my son, they use none when turned off. The plan is also to try and go as long as possible before turning on the air conditioner.
 There are many things that we don't do that help, but it also cuts back on the things that may have otherwise been available to help. Still, doing what we can, will make a difference.
 Right now, the main thing for me, is the changing of attitude. I have to gain the understanding that I'm not punishing myself for mistakes, I'm working on correcting those mistakes. I have to gain the understanding that , yes, I did mess up, but it isn't something that can't be fixed. There are multiple ways that this can be worked on and dug out of in time.
 When my husband passed away, I was very careful in what I spent and how. I trused God to help guide my steps, my thoughts and yes, even and especially my spending. I can go back to that again. I'm ready for and taking that first step today.

In Need of a Reset

Its been a while since I've added anything here. Working ten hour days takes a lot out of me physically and mentally, so I come home exhausted and barely able to carry on an intelligent conversation. to try and write a blog that is somewhat intelligent, comprehensible and interesting seems beyond that level of capability. However, yesterday something was brought to my attention that means I need to try and start doing better and trying to find ways to supplement my income in some way. Don't get me wrong, I don't write mainly to try to earn any financial gain, even though that would be nice, I write because I am driven. I'm driven to share the thoughts of my heart, the ideas of my spirit and the hopes of my soul. The hope being, that somewhere along the way, someone gets something from those words.
 All of that being said, what has brought me back here, after being missing for so long, is partly what was stated above, partly that I've missed this activity and partly because I wanted to share my thoughts again.
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 What thoughts? The thoughts that I have disappointed myself. When my husband passed away in March of 2017 we were in a deep financial bind. Not as bad as some I know, but bad for us, and suddenly there was no 'us' there was me and I had the responsibility of taking care of and resolving that debt. There was also a funeral and marker to purchase. While my husband did have some insurance, it wasn't enough to cover what was owed. The company he drove for had a policy on him that they have on all drivers. It was meant to be in case the worst happened and the body was needed to be gotten home. This was something that I misunderstood, but as used to cover his funeral and part of the cost of the headstone. The life insurance covered some but not all of our debt, so I cashed in a part of my own life insurance to get me to a point of stability.
 Then came stuff that needed repairs or replacing. My kitchen stove started exploding burners, this stove was so old that the burners were built in and not replaceable. My refrigerator went out, leaking something all over the kitchen floor. My roof started leaking badly. My vehicle, which had been dependable for so long, suddenly wasn't. It would stop at very inopportune times putting me at risk. A bad storm came up that caused this room to flood, ruining the carpeting and just in general making a mess.
 Sound familiar? I know that others have dealt with worse. Storms have came through that have destroyed everything that they own, everything that is essential to their livelihood. I know, that people have had to stand back and watch raging forest fires destroy their homes. I know, that there are those who have watched helplessly as major floods have washed away everything that was important to them, from homes, to farmlands and animals. I know, that as bad as I felt that things were for me, others have a much more difficult time. I would never try to make my concerns and problems seem to be on the same level as theirs.
 But to me, its a problem that needs addressing and finding a resolution for. I have to for my physical, emotional and mental well-being. Maybe, in the process of working this out, someone else can benefit as well.
 Yesterday, my son came into this room laughing. He reminded me that since he is also on my checking account, he can see how much is in there. I thought that he was going to tell me something good, not that my balance was $4.90. To say that I was shocked was an understatement. I went immediately to my account and began checking everything. Nothing was amiss. A lot of my bills had just auto-paid at the same time and with me not getting any overtime at work, I was looking at $4.90 in my account. It was all my fault. I still had the overtime pay mentality and not the normal forty hour week pay reality.
 I need a thought and action reset, because it doesn't appear that overtime is going to come back any time soon. My age, even though there is supposed to be no age discrimination, is a problem with the thought of changing jobs. Even though places like Walmart pay better, I know the amount of hours allowed would not help me any. To try and take on a second job sounds daunting as well, due to the fact that I get exhausted from what I do now. I don't want to put myself in the hospital from exhaustion. Am I making excuses? Maybe.
 I've tried those online sell creation sites, but never really did well. It could be because I wasn't diligent enough. It may be that I didn't push hard enough. I still have the sites, but haven't updated them in a while. Disappointment and feeling the failure at creative endeavors largely the reason. I also need a new flash for the camera before I can take the photos I want to create more items. Another excuse?
 I've been working on and off on the story about my late husband's life. I promised that he wouldn't be forgotten and I think that there is information in that story that could help others. It gets difficult though at times remembering. Plus the fact, I just don't know what to do with it when I finish it. I would love to have a publisher be interested, I simply don't know how to go about finding one. I tried once upon a time to find bookstores to carry my self published books, the response was to say the least, not good. I do understand that brick and mortar stores prefer books that are published through publishing houses and not the self published route. However that experience left me disappointed yet again.
 One thing I can do, is learn to be more fiscally responsible. I don't buy junk food or coffee at work or even when I'm out and about. I always carry my own. I don't eat out much, and usually when I do, my son pays for those meals. The vehicle that I purchased uses a lot less gas than my old one did so that helps tremendously. My biggest weakness is and has been for years are flowers and solar lights. I know, that I am going to have to adopt a, look but don't touch attitude. There are nice, they are pretty, but they are a want not a need. Therefore, they have to become currently unavailable to me.
 My biggest expense other than that car payment, is groceries. You would think that with it just being me and my son, that groceries wouldn't be that much, but there are also three dogs and two cats to feed. Two of the dogs and the cats are family from before my husband passed. Molly was an addition because I thought that Buddy was headed for the Rainbow bridge only to have fooled me. So my plan now has to be how to lower that grocery bill and how to find ways to supplement my income so that I can raise that balance in my checking account to a less concerning amount.
 It is going to be an adventure of learning and putting into practice what I learn. I am looking to this as a journey created out of necessity, but one that could lead to more control over my finances, more peace of mind, and maybe, just maybe even better health in the long run. Because this won't be just about cutting back on groceries, not buying flowers, but in finding ways to enjoy life in a way that won't hurt the wallet.
 Come along with me and see what we can find along the way............

Celebrating you and all that you were.

 You've been gone a year and a half, that feels like yesterday and yet it feels like forever since you left.  The other day I was scrolling across social media and saw a meme that said something to the effect of did you ever think of how if one person had not come along, how different you would be. I didn't really pay it much attention at that moment, it was the next day that realization dawned. How, over the course of the thirty-five years that we were a part of each other, how I have changed.
When I met you, I had just returned from Louisiana and a bad relationship. The moment we saw each other, something sparked. Having just escaped bad, I was worried yet, I was young and still a bit fearless. We quickly went from meeting, to living together to married. For just a few weeks over thirty-two years we were man and wife. What a life we had.
We both went from having nothing, to having a home, some property, a son, and memories precious and dear. I went from not working, to full time employment. the job I have now, I just celebrated my twenty-eight year anniversary. I won't get financially rich there, but I'm more than wealthy in friends, experience,  and knowledge. No other job I've held has lasted anywhere near this long.
 You were not sure of why I felt driven to write, but you cheered me on with the books that I self published. My photography obsession you supported and encouraged, even buying me a camera and some accessories along the way. You knew that I loved to paint, and create personalized clothing. You even wore a piece or two.
 I am, who I am, because you were the person you were.
You taught me bravery, because when you couldn't find a job after the bakery closed, you did what you had to do and learned an entirely new lifestyle. You went from having barely gone anywhere, to criss crossing this country multiple times. You not only thought out of the box, you were out. You not only left your comfort zone, you left the entire region of that zone. You would call from time to time needing assistance on finding a place since you didn't have any internet access, but you showed me true courage.
 You taught me patience. waiting for you to come home, waiting for you to decide what you wanted to wear to church or where we were going to eat. all of those times when you were deliberately being annoying to test me.
 You taught me better responsibility. when you went over the road, I had to take over everything here. I learned how to better balance the check book, how to make sure that bills were paid and things we needed ordered. How to have all we needed at any given time. I learned how to do minor repairs or rig the things I couldn't fix alone until you got home.
 You taught me ways to have fun. We went on so many vacations. We laughed, we played, we searched for souvenirs, we wore ourselves out and were always ready to get back home. We did things around here that were as mini vacations, down to the local park, festivals, movies. any time we were together.
You taught me contentment. We could sit on the porch and just enjoy each other's company. We could soak in the love and smile, knowing, that what we had was special.
A year and a half, a long time, but also just a blip on the radar of life. How special you were, how special you are, how special you made our life.
I miss you, but I know you're happy now. Still yet, I celebrate all that you were, and all that you taught me.

How can one feel friggin' so alone? and what do you do about it?

 Here we are, on the eve of eighteen months since you've been gone. I'm sitting here, doing my best not to fall into a private pity party, and at the same time wondering, how could it have been eighteen months already? It seems like just this afternoon that I got that call. I remember the voice, I remember the words, I remember with the greatest of clarity the feelings. The shock, the numbness, the denial all warring against each other as all I wanted to do was scream out that it wasn't true, but I was still at work, I couldn't do that. I had to remain in control, I had to let the people I work with get out of the department while I sat alone in the lab, waiting on a call that would either tell me that there had been a mistake or confirm the words that you were gone. The department manager came in to check on me, when I told her she offered to drive me home or in the least follow me home. But I wanted to just drive. I waited, then decided I had to get home, I had to get to James.
 James I found out, already knew. they had called here and spoken with him. How I wish, oh how I wish I had been the one to tell him, but then too, he won't have that memory. He won't at some point down the way remember that I was the one telling him you were gone. I don't know how Deanna found out. I had tried and tried to get in touch with her, but she finally called me in tears. Someone told her..
 Now here I sit, alone. James is in the other end of the house downloading something on his computer, Deanna no longer talks to me. I don't want to bother any of the family. They've all got their own concerns so there isn't any reason to add mine to theirs. The people I work with are friends, but work friends. Even though there is one who is in the same situation as I am, she has her own heartache to face and deal with. I have over 2000 friends on social media, but there isn't a single one that I can pick up the phone and call, even if I had their phone numbers. Not because they wouldn't take the call, but so many have their own issues to handle and I refuse to burden anyone with mine.
 But today, this day, I would be so tempted. Night has fallen, a blanket of dark hiding the light that I so crave. The dark, bringing out the dark in the form of my sadness. Because I am alone, and tonight, at this moment, not just alone, but lonely. There are many things that I want to do, that I'd love to do, that I need to do, but not tonight. I have a pocket calendar where I've been making notes of things that are going on, festivals, carnivals, special events, things that if I get up the nerve to go alone, will drag me out of the house. Its just that alone word.
I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, I don't want to feel sorry for me. I want that inner strength that I see so many people have.  And yes, I do know that as a Christian, I am not really alone, I have the Lord with me always and that in truth does help, but the weak human side of me keeps reminding me that you are gone and there is no one physically here for me. So I'm battling my own human failings, I'm battling fear, I'm battling loneliness, I'm battling missing you. So many battles going on and I never considered myself a fighter.
 I know that you told me repeatedly, right after you told me that you knew you were going to go first and asked up not to forget you, you told me that you didn't want me to remain alone. That you wanted me to find someone else. Right now, I don't know if that is ever going to happen. I know that if its in God's plan that it will and that I just have to be patient and wait. I'm trying, but nights like tonight, when there is no one to talk with. No one to share funny stories, no one to listen to me moan about stuff and me listen to their stories. No one, period.
 Maybe, its because of the day, that I'm feeling this way. Maybe, I feel as if I've let people down.  Maybe, I am just so very tired.
Tomorrow, Lord willing, will be better. Tomorrow, the sky will brighten, the day will still be warm, and I will be out and about and not sitting here so friggin alone.