Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Is





 
when you are diagnosed

you hear that dreaded word

one you have denied

can't be, won't be

is



your world falls out from under you

loss

empty

fear

what if floods your thoughts

tears run freely

can't be

is



walking in shock

moving slowly, mechanically

when you are diagnosed

nothing is the same

never the same

shock drives you

fear encircles you

can't be

is



now what, now where

talk to who

answers?

where are they

this means? That says

tests, tests and tests

stacked like blocks

one on the other

back to back

marks and tattoos

fears and tears

can't be

is



diagnosed

surgery

a nightmare

pain that follows

healing

then treatments

radiation

chemo

sick so sick

tired beyond tired

time passes

slowly

healing

slowly

fully

is













and before anyone asks, I'm fine. My cancer was back in 2008...but some things you never forget. Not that I want to. As long as I remember, I can share, I can comfort, I can listen in full understanding. I have walked that path, I know the darkness, but I also know the Light that guided me.































for each book sold a portion goes to Relay for Life



Blessed, a collection of God given inspirational poetry by Rebecca Stepp Revels is available now @

http://stores.lulu.com/store.php?fAcctID=2137587

and now also at

Amazon, Books-a-Million and Barnes and Noble .com





The Legend of Dragon's Doom:a Young Warrior's vow, by RS Revels is available @

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/the-legend-of-dragons-doom-a-young-warriors-vow/7505820

and other online sites





also @ Bookin' It, your mobile bookstore @ www.bookin-it.com



Available now @ http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/blessed-in-his-promises/12670945:

Blessed in His Promises



All books available @ Poor Richard's Book Shoppe @ www.PRBookShoppe.com



http://main.acsevents.org/goto/rebeccasrevels

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Snow day- part one

I had been listening to the weather predictions. They said it was coming. They warned us, it is coming. Be ready. So I made my preparations. I filled the gas tank on my vehicle, I bought batteries and I loaded the front porch with firewood. I had already made my way to the store and purchased the obligatory bread, milk and junk foods. I checked over my lists and checked over the house, and pet's houses. My son filled them yet again with cedar shavings and dry leaves. I filled containers with water- just in case. If the power went I wanted water for coffee.




Sunday night I went to bed earlier than I usually do. My anticipation- and dread- of the coming day wearing me out. I had watched as the weather prognosticators had showed where the storm was, where it was approaching and how fast. I was still hoping to get to work before it arrived. No such luck.



When I got up Monday morning- the ground was already white and it was snowing heavily. So, did I go, or not? My thoughts bounced back and forth like a ping pong ball at a championship match. I need to work, but I don't want to get hurt should I slide off the side of a mountain somewhere. I need to work, but I don't want to risk lives- mine or others. I need to work, but I..back and forth. Then the calls began, I had people call me which meant I had to call people. Well, one person who had already talked to the same people that were calling me. She told me that she would make some calls and get back to me. Hope was, the plant was not running. Hope was dashed when we were informed that yes, the plant was most definitely running. So now I was back to do I go, or not. I went.



As I had fluctuated between going and not- I had prepared my day's supply of snacks and lunch. My coffee was ready, my boots and outer wear waited. Part of me desired more than anything to stay home. Part of me feared going out. Part of me looked at the bills to be paid and that part won out. Late as it was, I could still make it to work on time. Getting my boots on I began to carry stuff to the car. Opening the door several inches of snow that has accumulated on top of the vehicle came flowing down like a mini-avalanche. Brushing it off the seat I got in and started the car. I had put plastic over the windshield, but in haste had not anchored it down, so the snow had pushed it down. Cleaning the windows I made ready to go. Reaching the top of the Dirt Road I had a choice to make, do I go the long way around? Or do I be more daring and go around the mountain? Because of the time, and some little voice inside my head I went the way that would take me around the mountain.



I pulled out onto the road and began to travel its snow covered expanse toward work, at the grand speed of fifteen miles an hour. The still early hour of not quite 5:30 and the falling snow had very few cars on the road. My first fear was approaching, I slowed down even more. Even in a four wheel drive vehicle I was taking no chances. I did not want to end off down in the river. All the nightmare possibilities swarmed inside my head. I did not wish to be trapped in a sinking car and yet I don't know how to swim..so I eased my way down. At the bottom of the hill a truck was up against the guardrail with his hazard lights flashing. The vehicle was off the road, and I didn't see a driver so I moved on. I crossed the bridges and made my way around a long sweeping curve. In the process I met a truck coming the other way, with plenty of room on either side we kept going. Then, I met my first difficulty. A co-worker in trouble.



This particular co-worker lives not far from me. He drives a small pick up truck. He had tried to make the turn to go up the next hill and hadn't made it, and now he was going nowhere fast. I parked in the middle of the road and walked over to his truck. Don't ask me why I thought I could do this next thing- I got behind and tried to push thinking if I could help him get to a spot where he could catch traction--of course it didn't work. He tried to move to turn around and go back. I moved my vehicle past him out of the way, watching him carefully. No matter what he tried, he wasn't going anywhere. At one point I got past him and moved to where I could park off the roadway as other traffic was by this time making an occasional appearance. I parked and walked back, as I made my way I watched as the vehicle that had stopped on the road coming down the hill, the one we wanted on, suddenly blue lights sprang to life. Blue lights reflecting off of falling snow has an interesting and really rather pretty effect. The officer told him that he might as well park the truck where he was because he wasn't going to get anywhere right then. He was actually being very polite, I'm sure he had been sitting in his SUV shaking his head at my co-worker's attempts. I spoke with the officer while my co-worker got his belongings and locked the truck. The officer went on to his waiting assignment while we walked back to my own vehicle. Turning around I made my way up the hill.



Going around the mountain wasn't really bad as we only met one vehicle going the other way and it was at a place that was wide enough that there was no worries. It was when we got around the mountain and coming into the small town that I groaned aloud. The road looked like a skating rink. Already going slow I eased up on the gas and tried to keep a steady speed. All I wanted was to get to work. Seeing the plant come into sight was calming. Getting into the parking area and stopped was even more so. Together my co-worker and I spread the plastic over the windshield and this time anchored it down by the doors. I got all my many belongings from the vehicle and went inside. The shop manager had already been cleaning the front entrance and spreading salt, but inside the door the melted snow had formed a nice wet and slippery area he hadn't gotten dried yet. Here was where I removed my boots and slipped on my sneakers. Gathering up my many essentials I clocked in and made my way to the department I worked in.



When I walked across the floor I saw the manager of another department turning on the lights, one co-worker and me..soon after my arrival my manager arrived. That made three of us in our department, three out of nearly twenty people made it in. In the entire plant there was maybe twenty of us worker ants that arrived.



During the day I would sneak peaks out the door when I took my breaks. Snow was falling through-out the day. I wanted out in it with my camera...first I had to make it through the day at work. When 4pm and quitting time finally arrived I began to gather up my belongings once again and head out. I knew that the co-worker that I had rescued that morning was riding with someone with a bigger truck that was going to pull his truck out of the snow. That meant all I had to do was go home. Which I did in a kinda round about way.



I wish that I had gotten my camera out of the bag before I started off, but I didn't, so I missed a few good shots. (Story of my life) Finally at one point I did pull over and get my camera. From the safe place I pulled off I fired off a few shots, walked across the roadway and took a few more. I then returned to my vehicle and made my way to where I could turn to go past a pond. When I got in front of it I fired off a few more shots, then pulled up to where I could turn around. Once I got turned around I went home. Slowly and carefully.



When I got all of my belongings into the house I made ready to go walking. I was going out to get photos of the snow before it got dark. Of course everyone had to call me right at that moment to see if I had made it home....



to be cont..




















































Blessed, a collection of God given inspirational poetry by Rebecca Stepp Revels is available now @

http://stores.lulu.com/store.php?fAcctID=2137587

and now also at

Amazon, Books-a-Million and Barnes and Noble .com





The Legend of Dragon's Doom:a Young Warrior's vow, by RS Revels is available @

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/the-legend-of-dragons-doom-a-young-warriors-vow/7505820

and other online sites





also @ Bookin' It, your mobile bookstore @ www.bookin-it.com



Available now @ http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/blessed-in-his-promises/12670945:

Blessed in His Promises

Thursday, December 30, 2010

She

Closing the door to the U-Haul she smiled. They had managed to get everything in there after all. One thing was for sure, there was no worry about anything falling and breaking, you couldn’t have slid a sheet of paper in that trailor. Turning, she crossed the driveway and entered the mobile hoome. This was what she had called home for the last year, now she was leaving. Wandering through the empty rooms she checked one final time to make sure that they hadn’t left anything. Her steps echoed along the hallway. It was an odd feeling walking through here now. Empty as it was it felt different, foreign. The memories she had made her weren’t all good, but there were enough of them that she would not forget this place. Hearing the car horn blowing she turned and walked out. Pulling the door closed behind her she crossed to the car. Louisianna, here we come, she thought as she opened the car door and slipped into her seat.




As the car pulled out of the drive she waved good-bye to the few people that were out in their yards. A few of these folks she would honestly miss, they had been good to her. By the time they had reached the interstate she had settled back and was watching the familiar landscape passing by. Soon all that she knew as home would be behind her. It had been a long time since she had lived anywhere but here.



By the time they reached the North Carolina- South Carolina state line he was tired of driving. Pulling the car over he instructed her to take his place, she was driving the rest of the way. Having learned by now not to argue she switched places with him. She had never driven a vehicle pulling a trailor, nor had she ever driven as far as they were going. Grasping the steering wheel she checked traffic and then pulled out onto the highway.



It was dark by the time they reached Atlanta, Georgia. Trying her best to follow directions that were nothing less than confusing she watched the road signs. When a convertible Mustang loaded with teenagers came barreling onto the interstate without looking she jerked the wheel. She realized her mistake immediately as the car and trailor swerved dangerously. She ignored the cursing coming from the seat beside her as she regained control of the car. The teenagers long gone she took a deep breath and continued driving. Somewhere in Alabama she took a wrong turn when she missed a road detour. In the middle of nowhere with nowhere to turn around he woke. It had been much more peaceful with just the sound of his snoring beside her. Ranting and raging now at her mistake he demanded she turn around. The word ‘where?’ screamed through her mind but she did not verbalize it. She scanned the roadway as best that she could. It was well past midnight, she was beyond tired and tears were threatening. In the pitch black of the night there was nowhere to turn around on this back country road. When he bellowed out againg for her to just turn the damn car around she had no choice. Pulling over to the side of the road as far as she could she began to manauever her turn. She ignored the cursing coming from the seat beside her as she finally managed to get turned around without getting stuck or damaging anything.



Going back in the direction she had come she was overjoyed to find a gas station still open. She was even more happy to find out that she hadn’t really gone that far out of the way. Listening carefully to directions she paid for the gas and got back in the car. Reluctantly she took hold of the steering wheel and pulled back onto the road.



Time meant nothing. Miles and hours passed and she grew numb to everything. She somehow managed to remain awake as she drove through the night. He had fallen asleep again and it was quiet but for his snoring and the radio playing softly. She watched road signs and white lines passing. Home was so far away now, somewhere in the back of her mind lurked regrets. How and why had it come to this..but this had been her choice and she would somehow make the best of it.



Sunlight was streaking across the sky as they crossed Louisianna. She rolled her shoulders as she drove. They had passed New Orleans, crossed many bridges and passed acres of fields lining the roads. He was watching the road, telling her it wasn’t far now. Crossing the I-10 bridge in Lake Charles they left the interstate and entered Westlake, Louisianna. Following his directions she pulled into a gravel parking area. Stopping the car where he told her she watched as he got out and climbed a set of stairs. Exhaustion swept over her but she couldn’t give in, not yet. It was all she could do to release the steering wheel. Her fingers refused to open. Mentally she forced them to move, crying out in the insueing pain. Opening and closing her hands she fought to get the feeling back in her fingers. She refused to look at her watch, she didn’t want to know just yet how long she had driven.



She watched as he crossed back to the car. He was angry. His stiff walk and loud cursing making his mood obvious. She watched as he yanked the car door open. Dropping into the seat he pointed at the mobile home that was now their home. She didn’t ask what had angered him, she didn’t want to know, and yet she knew before long she would know. Carefully following directions she moved the car. Hopefully soon she would be able to rest, but somehow she doubted it.



in an abusive relationship– there is no making the best of it. If someone is abusing you- get out. There is help available. No one is meant to live without respect, no one is meant to live a life where they are mistreated in any form- get out- there are people, there are places that are there willing, ready and able to help.