Differences in Handling what we are handed

  Time does not dull everything. It does not take away all memories. There are those that we wish that it would..and some it does. Or at least eases the pain in such a way that you can stand back at a distance and see the events as if you were watching a movie or reading a book about someone else and their life. I believe that is what is helping me. As time has passed I have reached a point where I can stand and review what went on during my cancer battle with a more objective eye.  It has also given me a much better understanding of the battle of others. Of course I can not fully understand their fight and feelings as we are each different and handle our battles in our own ways.

 I went through a time of wondering. Can they really be telling me its possible? What is on that image that has them suspecting? But no one in my family has ever had breast cancer to my knowledge--can you have breast cancer if no one else in the family has? (silly question maybe but it did cross my mind.) Yes, no and maybe was a constant mantra running through my head. Could I really? If I do what will happen? If I don't..and I probably don't but if I don't will I feel silly for all this internal babbling?  But, if I do...on and on and on while I waited for everything to fall into place as far as getting an appointment for  the doctor to see me and begin the actual finding out process. What was showing up on that mammogram.

There were the nerves on edge. I am terrible with directions as I have no sense of direction. Send me somewhere for the first time and there is a great likelihood that I will end up on the opposite side of town if not the county. I was driving back from Tennessee one time and only had one turn to take. One. and I missed it. I was making good time too until I came to this town that hadn't been there the day before. I know that buildings can go up quicker now, but not that quick. So I was worried about finding the doctor's office being that there are several roads that lead off of the main road by the hospital. I didn't disappoint myself either as I chose the wrong road the first time.
 There was that moment of nerves when she came at me with that enormous needle to do the first biopsy. Well deserved because that hurt. And then there was the waiting, the results and the realization..

How does one act when they know something? There hasn't been any verification, no precise response but you know that you know. The verification and official word, that's just confirmation but you already knew. When the needle biopsy came back with the cells present that often meant there was cancer.. not a definite but good possibility and that I needed a surgical biopsy but I knew. Let them cut, but I already knew.

There were all of those moments of annoyance. All of the ten and a half million questions. All of the tests and people and appointments. So many moments when I just wanted to say forget it all. But I endured.

There was the confirmation and then more tests, more questions and more appointments right up until the day of the surgery. I wasn't really afraid, I was relieved that we were getting this taken care of and it would soon be in the treatment stages.  Treatments..thankfully I didn't need chemotherapy but I did have to undergo radiation treatments. The one time that I felt fear was while sitting in that little waiting area for my turn. Sitting there all alone, I was trying to read a magazine but I gave up and sat and trembled and was on the verge of tears when they finally called my name. The treatments were not really bad. I burned a little but not so much that it hurt, even though I did get lectured by the doctor that I needed to put more lotion on the burns.

I worked the entire time. I missed one day for the surgical biopsy and I missed two days for the actual surgery. During my radiation treatments I went in fifteen minutes early so I could leave fifteen minutes early to go for treatments. There were days that I wondered how on earth was I going to put one foot in front of the other. My feet would get heavier and heavier during the day until it was all I could do to take a step. I slept at night, I just had no energy.
My diet changed. Sweets, junk food of any type and caffeine made the exhaustion worse. I took to eating at every break and eating healthy. Fruit and lots of it became the norm that is still true to this day. I decided that in the hopes of keeping the cancer from returning I would need to make some changes, the diet being one of them. Then it was none, now its less coffee, only one soda a week (and I don't drink all of it), lots and lots of fruit and veggies and I pay close attention to what I purchase food wise. I try to get a regular amount of sleep but that's not always possible.

But that's me, that is how I handled so much of the fight. My inner strengths and weakness. My fears and determination. We all have our ways of handling things. Our strategy is different being we are each so different. Our stories are different. My hope is that the results are the same-- survivor, long term.
My hope, one day there will be no such thing as cancer. And that is why I do what I do. So that the fighter, doesn't wonder or fear that they are alone or forgotten.

Join me? Help me, help the ACS create more birthdays through research, through information, through programs, through volunteers and education. Through someone being there when they are needed. Join me? Join the fight and be on the winning team.

Team link:  http://main.acsevents.org/goto/HEARTforacure

my page: http://main.acsevents.org/goto/rebeccasrevels

Relay for Life..not just a cancer thing..

Have you ever heard of Relay for Life? Have you ever noticed those folks that wear the Survivor or "I am Hope" t-shirts? Have you ever been curious of what it is all about? Have you ever noticed and thought- that doesn't have anything to do with me I don't have cancer. But actually....it does. We have all in some way, shape or form been touched by cancer. Whether it is our self, a family member, a friend, co-worker, or a friend of a friend of a friend. It does touch us in some way. A family member is in the hospital facing surgery. A co-worker is out due to treatments. A child is far away from home in  a hospital fighting for their life. A person stands above a grave with tears streaming missing that loved one.  

 

Relay for Life is the main fundraising arm of the American Cancer Society but it is much more than that. Here are some of the things that I as a member of the East Gaston Relay for Life have learned personally about Relay for Life, not in order of their importance.

 

Relay is yes, a fundraiser- while much of the money raised goes to help fund research for a cure there are other things that money helps. There are programs set up such as the "Look good-feel good" where there are people who help cancer fighters -look good- through wigs, scarves, make-up. There are phone numbers and web sites set up with people manning them to offer information and assistance. There are rider programs that get the fighter back and forth to doctor visits and to get their medicines. This to name just a few examples.

 

Relay is in itself educational. Often times the monthly meetings will have a guest speaker. The speaker will share information on other Relay events, the programs offered, how the money is spent, of the things offered by the American Cancer Society and of the many ways to battle a terrible disease. To name just a few.

 

Relay offers the fighter/survivor a chance to meet some of the people who are fighting for them. It offers them the chance to meet other survivors and know that when it may feel as if they are alone- in truth they are not.

 

Relay through the year has teams that put on fund-raising events that allow fighter, caregiver, and others a chance to come together, to have some fun and to support Relay but participating in what-ever the event at that time may be. Whether it is a barbecue, hot dog or candy sale. Whether it is a car show, a motorcycle run or golf game.

 

Relay offers the community at large a chance to come together in an event that goes through the night. An event filled with fun and laughter, where more than a few tears are shared. It offers music, song and dance. It offers demonstrations. It offers challenges. It offers those attending a chance to donate, to purchase items in various ways with the money going to Relay, to purchase raffle tickets on some interesting items where all are winners. Relay, the winning ticket purchaser and those who were able to donate even that one dollar.

 

Relay for Life is not just a fundraiser. The people that join together to form teams, to form an event become much more than that. They become family. They know the survivors, they know the caregivers. A bond is formed and strengthened by the caring hearts that attend and work toward a common goal. They work together, they share, they fight for the life of those affected. They laugh, they cry and they pray together. They work together to raise money for the ACS in the hope of finding that cure, of finding the ways to prevent, of creating more birthdays and celebrating lives and hope.

 

Relay is not just a cancer thing-- it is a community thing. Because cancer touches us all.

Feelings to deal with

Looking back on it from this perspective I can see it more intellectually, but the emotions of that time haven't changed. The time distance makes them more easy to bear but I know that they will forever be a part of me, for that I am actually thankful.

 

When the doctor told me that I needed to have a mammogram I was mentally flippant. The thoughts were basically, "sure, no problem." To my knowledge no one in my family had ever had breast cancer so no history, no worries. Ignorance is not bliss.

 

My only concern at the time was finding the imaging center as I have absolutely no sense of direction. After all, I am the person who coming back from a weekend trip one time missed the one and only turn I had to make and had us many miles out of the way before I realized my error. I can and often do work myself up into an unnecessary mental state worrying about things. As it was, I had time though to find the place and believe me I went out of my way to find it before hand. I asked directions, I searched on line and I drove out to the location and around to the side of the building where it was located. Still on the appointed day I was a nervous wreck until I pulled into that parking area where I was to go, parked and entered the building.

 

Now my only concern was for the coming embarrassment, discomfort and pain. I am a self-conscious person who is very uncomfortable when it comes to body parts being exposed even to medical personnel. That and the fact that I had after all heard all of the horror stories connected with mammograms. Walking down that wide hallway I had a somewhat better understanding of those walking that last mile. The way was well lit but my fear made it dark.

 

  Signing in at the window I then moved through the doors and entered the waiting area. This was a very comfortably decorated room. Designed to make one feel at home with an understated elegance. I was still nervous. I tore up a tissue, I read and reread those little informational cards- not remembering a thing on them and I shifted repeatedly in my chair. After waiting, called to fill out insurance information and then waiting a little more I was called back. Shown to a dressing room and told to strip to the waist and dress in a nice fat, fluffy robe. That done I sat down to wait and tremble. If trembling were a weight loss tool I would have lost several pounds sitting in that room. While I waited all manner of thoughts flowed through my mind. Thoughts that were to some degree expected and logical and some that came from way out in left field that were the manifestations of a frantic mind. To some degree- man,y if not most -of us fear the unknown. Especially when you know others that love to share all of the horror stories they know, whether personal or one of those it happened to..' stories. The mind and one's imagination can create havoc. Combined, they can take you to places where there is no reason to go. Only when you have the mental aptitude to keep those fears and thoughts in check are you prevented from acting out physically. Right when my fear was reaching its crescendo I heard my name called through the door. Even though I had known it was coming I was still startled from my mental ramblings and jumped slightly. Standing, I took a deep breath and opened the door. It was waiting.

 

  Following the technician down the short hallway I was giving myself a mental pep-talk. It would be fine, no worries, no pain, no problems. Self wasn't listening very well. Passing through a door with warning signs around it I looked at one of the strangest machines that I had ever seen, and I didn't like it. The technician wasted no time and as she instructed I followed to the best of my ability. All the while babbling on, making the same comments that she had probably heard thousands of times before and some that could come only from someone like me who has an unusual sense of humor and unique oddness about them. Even through all of that she was very professional and I soon lost most of the embarrassment and found that the discomfort was not nearly as bad as I had feared. It was definitely not something that I would want to deal with on any schedule other than once a year, but I was not in the excruciating pain I had built of the fear for. When she told me afterward that I may get called back due to nothing to compare to I wasn't worried. I had done the mammogram thing, it was over, it was good I was about to go back to my so-called normal life and not worry about this again until next year.

 

That flippant attitude continued even when I did receive the message and returned for the images they needed. It was the  day after Thanksgiving, mom and I were going shopping and my thoughts were on all of the great deals we were  missing not on what was taking place. If anything I was feeling slightly annoyed. Mom was with me as once this was finished we were going to head out and find out what deals might be left. Impatience more than anything fueled my emotions as I sat, waited, followed, undressed and entered the imaging room. I was annoyed right up until they only took images of one side. I was told to sit and wait while the image was shown to a doctor. Another set of images later I was told the same thing. After the third set I was slightly concerned, especially when I was told they needed an ultrasound. Fear is like a kudzu plant. It starts out as a tiny sprout and then grows uncontrollably when allowed. Walking back down the hallway to wait, listening to the technician actually babbling on about shopping that first tiny sprout was trying to peek out. I don't like being afraid. It is not a comfortable emotion. I do not ride those thrill rides at amusement parks partly because of that. I don't like heights, I don't like feeling like I'm falling and I don't like not knowing what others do especially when it comes to me and my health. Even my mother who was still waiting for me picked up on the babbling and wondered.

 

Lead back to another area of the building I followed instructions and waited yet again in another cold room. When you are beginning to feel fear, a cold room is one of the last places you want to be. It only amplifies the trembling. The actual ultra-sound wasn't a problem. I watched the images on the screen and watched as she returned time and time again to the same area. She knew what she was looking at, I didn't. Again the unknown and the fear that comes with it sprouted a bit higher.

 

I was told that I would need to see a surgeon as there was "something" showing up. My attempt at shrugging it off in agreement didn't quite have the same effect that it had in the beginning. Mom and I didn't go shopping. The mood to find bargains was no longer there. Instead in the back of my mind was the question, do I have cancer?

 

I believe that fear, nerves, worry all have a cancer type affect on one. It grows, consuming one's thoughts and actions. You try to put it out of your mind, you try to push it aside only to have it return time and again. You go on about your business, taking care of your daily life and all the while its still there hounding you.

 

I loved my surgeon immediately. She has the best personality and style of dress. She is her own self with a wonderful attitude. I had worried about this meeting. I tend to say odd things at odd times and have people give me 'that look' letting me know they wonder if my keepers know that I'm running loose. In this doctor I found somewhat of a kindred spirit. She examined the images and told me that they-the almighty They- thought something was there. She showed me where the 'something' was and that it didn't have a defined appearance. That was when mouth opened and I told her it looked like a cat. She glanced at me and then the image and reluctantly agreed. She told me that she wanted to do her own ultra-sound. When I asked her if it would really be a cat scan she said "No..its an ultra-sound." but when the assistant she called came in she told the assistant that she wanted to do a 'cat-scan' I loved the expression on the girl's face. It brought that Kudzu in my mind down a notch. Even when the ultra-sound showed the same thing that 'they' had found I wasn't really too terribly concerned. When she told me that she wanted to do a needle biopsy I shrugged. I thought we would set up an appointment. Nope, she did it right then.

 

When we allow emotions to control us they can hurt. Broken hearts, separation and loneliness, fear of any kind, deceit of a friend..but that needle going in and the after effects...now that was pain and not merely an emotional one. The sample would be sent off and we would have the results in a week. that fear Kudzu plant can grow a lot in a week if you allow it. I was doing my best not to allow it. When it came back showing the possibility and that she needed to do a surgical biopsy I knew.

 

How many emotions does one actually have? Joy, love, hope, faith, trust, fear, hate, worry. You could start naming them and with all their variations never reach the end of the list. That was what I was feeling. I returned to work a mental mess. The foremost and strongest emotion was that I did not want to deal with this. I did not want to go through with this. I was not happy, I was angry, and I was a little afraid. Kudzu grows quickly.

 

Back in a far corner of the department I gave in and leaned over a box waited to be filled and prayed with all of the passion that I could pray. I did NOT want this. I am unashamedly a Christian. I believe in the Hope. When I prayed I was answered. Just not in the way I expected. Chastisement of the Spirit gets your attention, but it let me know I was not alone. The fear that had been eating at me- left. The creeping Kudzu plant wilted and fell away.

 

The surgical biopsy was an inconvenience that I had to deal with to get to the real ball game. Questions and tests and presurgery stuff out of the way my husband took me to the outpatient building and we waited. It was raining that morning and it fit my mood. I had to be here but I didn't want to be. I was only slightly nervous, mainly because I was once again dealing with the unknown. I had never had any surgery before this was new ground for me. Everyone was so very nice though, my fears and concerns eased. I knew what they would find, but now I was girded for battle, I was not alone.

 

When the biopsy showed the cancer I did not fall apart. I did not panic. I did not cry, moan or curse the fates. I matter -of- factly told her that she knew what and where it was- go get it. Game on.

 

The most difficult part in all of this so far was that I was going to have to tell my family that I had cancer. My husband was on a bus headed for a potential job. I called him and broke the news over the phone. I knew he didn't want to wait, he had made me promise to call. He was concerned, wanted to know if I wanted him to come back but I told him there was nothing he could do, continue on and see about the job. My mother took it better--or hid it better-- than I had hoped. My brother that lives the closest- he took it hard. He refused to look at me at first. I guess when you are facing our mortality for the first time it does make one confused and distressed. It took a few minutes but I finally got him past that. It was going to be okay. I knew though that I didn't want to deal with anything like the same reactions at work so I purchased a pink ball cap with the awareness ribbon on the front and wore that to work the next day. Of course it was questioned as I do not generally wear a cap but it broke all the ice and work went on and those who had dealt with this before me rallied to my side.

 

There is a lot more preparations that need to be made for surgery than I had ever realized. How many times can they ask you the same questions? How many different people need the same information? How many times must you have the same tests? Why do MRI's have to be so frightening? Well, at least to me and my not so lovely claustrophobia. Why are hospital rooms- any and all hospital rooms so freaking cold? I do really love those heated blankets though. A lot of different people came in as I was preapring for the surgery. Each with their own purpose. Each very friendly and very professional. Each managing to calm my nerves a little bit more. I wasn't so much afraid. I knew what they were going to do, and it wasn't as if they were doing back or heart surgery, but that level of concern and fear was determined not to be ignored. I think that they have the timing of that anesthesia down to an art form. Both times the minute I entered the operating room the first and last thing I saw was that bank of lights- then it was lights out.

 

Waking up after surgery is an adventure in itself. Disorientation is not fun. Trying to figure out where you are and why you are there. Who is that calling your name and why are so many people staring at you expectantly? Getting dressed and going home is always a relief whether it was a major or minor reason for your visit. Sleepy and nauseated from the anesthesia I went straight to bed and pretty much stayed there. I got up a couple times to talk with people and let them know I was doing okay but for the most part I lost two days. The day of and the day after the surgery. Now the real fun would begin.

 

Once the bandages were removed and I had healed up slightly I was sent to see an oncologist. Another professional type person that I had to see and try to figure out their personality and find out where the lines were drawn as to what part of my sense of humor would be accepted and what would get me those so familiar looks. He turned out to be a very nice doctor and gentleman. He, too, had a wonderfully quick, witty and bright sense of humor. Amazing- but not surprising- how blessings are given.  The first visit was a fact finding one. Afterward I would get my schedule. It still had not been determined if I would need chemotherapy. I wasn't afraid too much of the radiation..and I wasn't afraid really of the chemotherapy. My pride simply did not like the idea of losing my hair. Even though I complained about it for various reasons on a regular basis, it was my hair and I didn't want to lose it. Pride is a silly thing actually. Turns out my fears were relieved and I didn't have to face that threat as I did not need chemotherapy- only the radiation.

 

Fear of the unknown crept up again on that first day. I had no idea what was about to happen and I did not in any way look forward to it. The treatments turned out to be not so bad in themselves. It was the after effects that got me. Each day I grew more tired. Each day the weariness threatened my ability to function. Every single step was difficult. They were acts of sheer determination. I had no energy, thoughts and emotions took too much to feel. I was a machine doing what I had to and only what I had to just to get by. I had to totally change my diet. No more chocolate- no junk food period. The processed sugars only made the exhaustion worse. I allowed myself one cup of coffee a day- the rest of the time it was water. I was always thirsty, downing bottle after bottle of water a day. I carried one with me at all times. I had to learn to allow others to do for me. I- the person who prided herself on her self efficiency had to have help doing simple things. People I did not know who were reading the columns that were running in the paper would see me attempting to lift something and would rush to my aid. I received multitudes of cards and letters from people. Strange these feelings.

 

Cancer can and does give you a feeling of isolation. You know you are not the only person to have dealt with it. You are not the first and you won't be the last. But-- this is you. The fear that tries so hard to consume you. The loneliness in those times when you let down your guard, the exhaustion that you fight, the sickness from treatments. All battles you must fight and even when you have people at your side, they can only do so much. They can lift things for you, they can cook meals, do housework, drive you places...but they cannot fight the battle. As your body fights against the invader your mind and heart fight against the emotions that threaten.

 

The entire time I was in my particular battle even as my family and friends were around, they could not be around all of the time. I found a healing presence waiting for me on the many long walks that I began to take. Always along the route, and I took the exact same route daily, there was something special waiting for me. I found flowers that I had never noticed before, I found an amazing variety of insects. Deer, raccoon and opossum appeared on various occasions. There was always something amazing waiting to remind me that I was not taking this journey alone. There in lay my peace.

 

All of this was in 2008. Still today I can and do look back on that. It is a forever part of me. I faced and dealt with the emotional side of this thing. I was able to write about it then and write about it now. I have shared and continue to share my experience not for pity or attention, but to let others know that it is something that can be faced, can be beaten. Do I ever worry about it returning? I wouldn't be human if I didn't..but if it does. I know who is on my side.

 

 

Introducing: team HEART for a cure

---

   I have participated in Relay for years now- many already know that after receiving emails, blogs notifications and tolerating my asking for donations, many responding to those requests in a positive and giving manner. This year I decided to step it up a notice from merely participating to registering a team. I have registered a Relay for Life team: HEART for a cure..(Honoring-Everyone-Affected-Recognizing-The caregivers).

   I'm not sure exactly what I am getting myself into with this endeavor. I do however love a good challenge and it is for a great cause.

   I have been approached by a friend wanting to join forces, even suggesting that we use the name I've chosen as they believe it to be a good name. I am currently at war with myself over this. Imagine a tiny version of me on each shoulder each with a different opinion on the topic. One reminding me of the pro's and the other the con's of joining together. The side thinking I should knows how capable this person is in raising money for Relay for Life. It knows that this person has a greater contact base. Knows the in and out of it and has proven time and again how successful they are. That raising  money- the more the better- is what Relay for Life is all about, that and bringing attention to the American Cancer Society and what they have to offer cancer victims and their caregivers.

    The other less rational side of me is a bit of a whiner mentioning that I wanted to have a team. I wanted to see just what I could do on my own just starting out. I wanted to see if I could convince people to join the team and work toward a goal. With no preset fundraiser, no templates waiting to be used. Simply starting from scratch and seeing what happens.

     The part of me in the middle thinks that by following one, I'm shooting myself in the foot-by following the other, I'm shooting myself  in the other foot.

     I full respect the person who suggested this joining. I didn't expect my first challenge as a team captain to come quite so quickly and be so frustrating in the decision. Flipping a coin is not an option.

    

     Team, HEART for a cure is special to me, even this early on. In 2008 I went into battle  against cancer and by the grace of God won. My faith grew stronger each day that I fought even as my body grew weaker under the effects of the radiation treatments. I struggled physically to meet the demands of each day, finding my peace in the woods and along the dirt road that I love. It seemed to take an extraordinary long time before my strength returned. Now I am stronger, now I am more at peace and filled with a greater appreciation of things around me and of the people that I know as family and friends. They know of my past battle, they know of my feelings for the things around me, they know my faith and they know my thoughts and feelings for Relay.

   My hope was to see HEART for a cure be a success. That is still my hope. I have ideas that I would like to explore in the planning, in the putting into action and hoped for success. It was my hope to see the events I was contemplating be events that would draw in a lot of community involvement with only small amounts of donations required from each individual but drawing in enough that it would add up.

   As with many start-ups my on hand cash is limited so I have to be careful in that the events I hope to put on do not require spending out of pocket because the purpose is to raise money-not spend it.

    I'll meet with this most capable friend soon and we will discuss all this and more. Whether we will join together into one team, or find ways to work together in a partnership of teams. Either way- I'll get those two annoying tiny versions of me off of my shoulders and quiet.

 

  Another Relay for Life season has begun. I will be blogging again on various Relay, ACS, and cancer related topics. All  of which are things that I am passionate about, Please join me as we travel this road toward the East Gaston Relay for Life event on May 10Th 2013, at Common Ground on Hickory Grove Rd, Stanley, NC.

 

 http://main.acsevents.org/goto/HEARTforacure link to team page

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/rebeccasrevels  link to my profile page.

(my) Feelings during cancer

Tue, November 27, 2012 10:34:21 PM

Feelings--

From:	"Rebeccannc@bellsouth.net" View Contact
To:	Rebecca Revels

---

I think, no, to be fully honest- I know- that for a long time I ignored most if not all of the feelings that I dealt with from the very beginning of my cancer story. Trust me when I say that I discovered that I had a lot more varied emotions than I thought I did. While I know that emotions are a good thing, they can also be an annoyance.

When I scheduled the appointment for my physical not long after celebrating my 50th birthday if I felt any emotion over it they were mostly annoyance over the interruption, acceptance that it was something that needed to be done and impatience that it was causing me to have to put off what I really wanted to be doing instead. But being the somewhat responsible person that I was brought up to be, I kept the appointment. I even made it through the embarrassing parts with minimum discomfort. I was a big girl, I could handle that annual physical then go on with what I wanted to be doing. When the doctor told me that since I was now 50, he thought I needed to have a mammogram I shrugged. Another something or other to endure. I'll admit that there was that "No worries it won't happen to me" attitude. There was the "No history known to me in my family- nothing to fear here" yes, a bit of arrogance mixed with denial and a bit of ignorance. Still, I agreed to having the mammogram done and the appointment was made. I was told when and where and I smiled and nodded a lot thinking the entire time that I need to find this place.

I have never hesitated in admitting that I am lousy, really terribly lousy at directions. I have been told that I could not find my way out of a paper bag placed on its side. After asking friends and family and even going online to get directions I got in the car and headed out to find it. Confusion reigned. Even though this was an area of town where I travel a fair amount it isn't normally down this road. There are a lot of doctor's offices and other buildings along the way as well as many side roads leading to more doctor's offices and various buildings. I had to find the right route to the right building to the right office. With maps spread out and directions playing like a broken record in my head I was growing frustrated until I managed to find the place that I feared I had passed. Driving around the building I saw exactly where I needed to go. For a while peace was in control.

The day of the test I got in the car confident that this was going to be a simple get it over and done with thing and that I wouldn't have to worry about it again for a year. Nerves were stretched a bit tight only because I wanted to remember exactly how to get where I was going and get there on time. Walking in the building and finding the right place I began to over come the nerves and while still polite as I had been taught to be the "not going to happen to me" cockiness was returning. Dealing with the paperwork I sat and waited fighting the boredom that comes with sitting in any doctor's waiting area. Hearing my name I followed where I was lead and then walked into a small dressing area. Following the directions given I waited ignoring the growing fear of the unknown and fear of being embarrassed. I have never been any competition for Dolly Parton and have even through my life been teased about my lack of endowment. I also feared the pain to come. By the time my turn came I had worked myself into a state of nerves, cold sweat ran down my back as I followed once again.

Mammograms are uncomfortable. There is a certain degree of discomfort and pain along with the embarrassment of having to go through it in the first place. I know me-I know that when these emotions come into play I try to cover them up by talking. When I start talking under these circumstances the brain just takes a mini-vacation. I never really know what may come out of my mouth. After the last image was taken I was lead back to the dressing room, shown the easiest route out and told to have a good day. Relief- sweet sweet relief.

That didn't last long.

When after another round of images, a needle biopsy and then surgical biopsy showed that I did indeed have breast cancer my all too neat world changed. I had grown up in a home where we were protected, instructed, sheltered. We grew up in a time of self-sufficient entertainment. Childhood emotions had matured, some had been left behind while others just lay dormant. Until now. I still believe that I took the news rather well. On the outside anyway. I was calm, controlled, confident in the ability of my doctor. I smiled at all the right times, answered her questions in I thought all the right ways. Lets get this done and over with.

I thought I had been confused in trying to find the imaging center. After what seemed like a thousand and one questions, lots of tests, getting poked and prodded and asked even more questions I was seriously confused and lost. I was also tired.

The day of my surgery there was a degree of fear, but I still believe a lot of that was born out of a history of reading supermarket tabloids and seeing the horror stories within. It was a bit entertaining meeting all the people that would be a part of my surgery and dealing with all of the particulars. There was the ever present confusion, there was the attack of nerves, there was the pain that came with certain preparations. At all times there was this outward calm while on the inside I was a cauldron of emotions. The nervous feeling was tinged with a tad bit of excitement. This was something new and different.

Afterward when I was finally back at home I went straight to my bed and pretty much stayed there for two days. Sick is not really an emotion but that is what I was.

I was taught that if you have a job, you need to be there working that job. Two days after y surgery I was back at work. I now had to deal with what ever treatments was to come. Along with the impatience, the frustrations, the aggravation of wanting this all over with and behind me. I really am a bit daft at times.

During the course of my treatments there were times that I wanted to crawl into a dark spot and hide, just for a while. I didn't want to deal with it at that moment, or any other moment. I wanted it to have never happened, I wanted everything to go away. Then I would quit feeling sorry for myself and be thankful-yes- thankful for having cancer. Now I had an understanding about what people were going through. I feared that I would need chemotherapy, feared losing my hair even though I complain about it on a regular basis. I was so tired that trying to put one foot in front of the other n some days felt like the biggest challenge ever. I am a serious chocoholic, but during treatments all manner of 'junk' food was taboo. If I tried to eat chocolate or drink anything with caffeine I paid for it. I was angry that I couldn't enjoy the things I wanted.

There were times I felt ignored and alone. I knew I wasn't, but it seemed that way. My very first Relay for Life event, at two in the morning as I walked around that track it was so very quiet. The people walking spoke to each other in muted tones. Many walked in pairs or even more. I could hear their laughter and whispers. I on the other hand was walking alone. I was walking alone and I felt alone. Looking up into the night sky it seemed like I could see into forever. The thousands of stars shining down had me feeling not a little insignificant. I was alone on that track, I was alone in facing my cancer treatments.

To this day I know that I still distance myself a bit from others. I dealt with it pretty much alone then. I deal with the feelings that come now after all this time. I'm getting better though-

Everyone who is diagnosed with cancer is going to face their own emotions. Like the kaleidoscope toy we had as kids where the thousands of colors and shapes with in shifted and moved to form new shapes and designs that is our emotions. We face them, deal with them, work through them. Our personalities and support systems will determine how difficult that task is and how long it may take to make our way along and through them. There are people more than willing and able to help--we don't have to fear those emotions and we don't have to go it alone..even when we think we do.

Challenges, Hopes, beginnings, success in what ever form

 

I have participated in Relay for years now- many already know that after receiving emails, blogs notifications and tolerating my asking for donations, many responding to those requests in a positive and giving manner. This year I decided to step it up a notice from merely participating to registering a team. I have registered a Relay for Life team: HEART for a cure..(Honoring-Everyone-Affected-Recognizing-The caregivers).

I'm not sure exactly what I am getting myself into with this endeavor. I do however love a good challenge and it is for a great cause.

I have been approached by a friend wanting to join forces, even suggesting that we use the name I've chosen as they believe it to be a good name. I am currently at war with myself over this. Imagine a tiny version of me on each shoulder each with a different opinion on the topic. One reminding me of the pro's and the other the con's of joining together. The side thinking I should knows how capable this person is in raising money for Relay for Life. It knows that this person has a greater contact base. Knows the in and out of it and has proven time and again how successful they are. That raising money- the more the better- is what Relay for Life is all about, that and bringing attention to the American Cancer Society and what they have to offer cancer victims and their caregivers.

The other less rational side of me is a bit of a whiner mentioning that I wanted to have a team. I wanted to see just what I could do on my own just starting out. I wanted to see if I could convince people to join the team and work toward a goal. With no preset fundraiser, no templates waiting to be used. Simply starting from scratch and seeing what happens.

The part of me in the middle thinks that by following one, I'm shooting myself in the foot-by following the other, I'm shooting myself in the other foot.

I full respect the person who suggested this joining. I didn't expect my first challenge as a team captain to come quite so quickly and be so frustrating in the decision. Flipping a coin is not an option.

Team, HEART for a cure is special to me, even this early on. In 2008 I went into battle against cancer and by the grace of God won. My faith grew stronger each day that I fought even as my body grew weaker under the effects of the radiation treatments. I struggled physically to meet the demands of each day, finding my peace in the woods and along the dirt road that I love. It seemed to take an extraordinary long time before my strength returned. Now I am stronger, now I am more at peace and filled with a greater appreciation of things around me and of the people that I know as family and friends. They know of my past battle, they know of my feelings for the things around me, they know my faith and they know my thoughts and feelings for Relay.

My hope was to see HEART for a cure be a success. That is still my hope. I have ideas that I would like to explore in the planning, in the putting into action and hoped for success. It was my hope to see the events I was contemplating be events that would draw in a lot of community involvement with only small amounts of donations required from each individual but drawing in enough that it would add up to a successful and fun event.

As with many start-ups my on hand cash is limited so I have to be careful in that the events I hope to put on do not require too much spending out of pocket because the purpose is to raise money-not spend it.

I'll meet with this most capable friend soon and we will discuss all this and more. Whether we will join together into one team, or find ways to work together in a partnership of teams. Either way- I'll get those two annoying tiny versions of me off of my shoulders and quiet.

Another Relay for Life season has begun. I will be blogging again on various Relay, ACS, and cancer related topics along with this journey of beginning and participating in a new team. All of which are things that I am passionate about, Please join me as we travel this road toward the East Gaston Relay for Life event on May 10Th 2013, at Common Ground on Hickory Grove Rd, Stanley, NC.

 

Click here to visit my PERSONAL page.
If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=5704248&pg=personal&fr_id=52967&fl=en_US&et=QzDcEi0It9NRRdXZcUUA8g
Click here to view the TEAM page for HEART for a cure
If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=1269097&pg=team&fr_id=52967&fl=en_US&et=dmXQmjT0UaYw4zybd9WXcA

 

Join the battle to fight cancer

This is a column that I authored that ran in Sunday's (Oct.7th) Gaston Gazette. Join the battle to fight cancer--


By Rebecca Revels

Published: Saturday, October 6, 2012 at 21:11 PM.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in January 2008. In February I underwent a lumpectomy followed by radiation treatments. While my doctor answered my questions, I was still to some degree walking blind, trying to make my way through a maze of treatments along with the physical and emotional changes.
Right about the time I was finishing my radiation treatments I was invited to participate in the East Gaston Relay for Life. When I became involved that first year it was almost time for the actual event. I did not get to see what all was involved in preparing for that night. Few believed that I would last that entire night being so soon after my treatments – but being the stubborn one that I am, I made it from Survivor Lap to that last lap at 7 a.m.
I have been fully dedicated and involved with the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life ever since. I have been blessed to work with some amazing people – some survivors, some caregivers and some who are people with big hearts and determined spirits helping in the fight to find a cure. While that cure is being sought, they also work to raise awareness and funds for programs to help those warriors who are battling and those who are taking care of the warriors.
It is time once again for the new Relay for Life fundraising season and planning for the event to begin.
The East Gaston Relay for Life will have their Kick-Off Celebration at 6:30 p.m. Tuesday Oct. 9 at First Baptist Church in Stanley. Anyone interested is more than welcome to attend. 2012-2013 will be the 10^th year for the East Gaston Relay for Life. It began back in 2003 and brought in more than $43,000. Over the course of time there have been changes. Teams have come and gone, a recession has caused fundraising to be more difficult, and people have so many more things taking up their time. Cancer however, has not changed – it is indiscriminatory, it still shows no prejudice, no concerns, no caring of who you are and what you have planned.
Two years ago the event moved from the East Gaston High School football field to the First Methodist Church’s walking track, known as Common Ground on Hickory Grove Road. On May 10, 2013, the campsites will be set up, along with the stage. Luminaries will line the track in honor and memory of those who have fought the battle and their caregivers. Along the way to this day there will be meetings and fundraising events. There will be moments of learning and there will be moments of laughter and tears. On May 10, there will be much of the same all for the same purpose in mind – to raise money for the American Cancer Society to help fund research for a cure and to help fund the programs needed to help those in the midst of the fight .
There are many different Relay for Life events in the area. The East Gaston Relay is only one of the many. All readily invite any who are interested in joining. Good dedicated people ready and willing to do everything they are able to help in this purpose – to find an end to cancer.
My cancer is gone, but I still fight and will continue to fight for those who are in some stage of the battle – whether they have just been diagnosed, are in the process or are finishing treatments, or have been cancer free for years. I fight along with the caregivers who have watched their loved ones and friends battle. I fight in the memory of those whose battle is over.
We have all in some way been touched by cancer – find an event, whether it is with East Gaston, Gastonia, Lincolnton or any point in between. Join with us – help find a way to put an end to cancer.