This Gift

 

The original of this was written yesterday. Due to a variety of things I did not get it posted. So here is the updated version.

It's a bit on the dark side this morning. The sun obscured by a light grey cloud cover. The computer said rain was on the way. Rain I don't mind so much as long as its not a gully washing, frog strangling downpour. My mother has a doctor's appointment today and I really do not wish to attempt to drive in one of those. There is also the fact I need new wiper blades on my jeep.

Yesterday over on my social media I shared my day. I wanted to clarify my feelings a bit on why I shared this:

What a day. To the bank for mom and my son. Took forever to get off the dirt road thanks to traffic, then had to wait where the road was one lane due to utility work. Finally out and headed toward the bank. Only two tellers and one was tied up by someone with a locked card. Once it was my turn they misunderstood how I wanted the denominations on the check I cashed for mom. Finally got that all accomplished and was headed home.

Had to wait again at the utility work. Got mom her money and the list of things she needed at Sam's Club. Back on the road, back in line at the utility work, finally headed for and made it to Sam's. Got her water and went off in search of tissues. Ran into a Jeep club member and had a wonderful, though brief, chat. Found the tissues, got that paid for and in the Jeep.Thankfully my shoulder has healed otherwise I could not have lifted those 40 bottle packages over the spare tire.

Then to wally world because I needed eggs. Bought a cold energy drink for my son.

Took James the drink and his bank card.

Made it back tot he dirt road, took mom her stuff and finally got home.

I was home maybe 30 minutes when James called and needed me to come get him. I start out, had to wait at the utility work, then headed to where my son works. He called to check on how close I was when I was 2/3 of the way there. Picked him up, drove home, got through the utility work stop and go and then managed to get home. He got what he needed then rode his bike back to work.

I then went down to mom's and helped her fill out paperwork for her upcoming doctor.'s visit.

Dad had lost a hat my brother brought him from Canada. I found it in the chair under his cushion.

Dad uses a magic potion of water and lavender essential oil in a spray bottle to help him sleep. It needed to be replenished.

Dad had lost his watch. I found that in a jacket pocket in his bedroom.

I got back to my house and decided it was pizza night. As soon as the kitchen is cleaned and I have a cup of hot tea I'm done.

While not all my days are like that, many are. (I am NOT seeking any compliments or comments on how I am doing as a daughter) I simply never know what I'm going to be facing with each new day. Ever since dad fell and struck his head he has days when he can't find things or has to be reminded of stuff that he was just told about not that long ago. The fact he will soon, Good Lord willing, be ninety-five adds to the issues.

As far as the responsibilities and events like yesterday, I am very thankful for the opportunity to be here for those who need me. I am very grateful that I am able to be here and take care of my parents in and with their needs. Do I get tired? Oh yes. Are there other things I wish I could do? Sometimes. But it's a matter of priorities. Right now, they are my priority. Even when I get envious of the things I wish I could but can't do right now. That envy fades quickly when I hear the appreciation in my mother's voice.

Yesterday mom had her appointment. She will need some procedures done on her eyes in the not so distant future. They will be calling me to set up the appointments. We had no idea that the appointment would take as long as it did. Dad is usually fine alone. However when we pulled down the dirt road, there in their driveway was a county police cruiser. A well check. Not sure who called, maybe dad, I didn't ask. Mom and I had discussed dad several times while we were out, so the officer wasn't a real surprise. Thankfully this was another very nice officer. A compassionate, understanding, kind yet professional officer who took all the time needed with dad and us. Still though, this means no more leaving dad alone even on good days. Because good days can change to bad quickly.

Dad has a doctor appointment later today. I may end up taking him myself and letting mom stay home and rest. Because, I will do what I can, as I can, every day. I will answer the calls and run to fix, help, do what ever I am able. I was set aside from a job I would not have left otherwise, to be here for this time. Even on the days I am tired and complain a bit, I will thank God daily for this gift.

I Will Be That Person

 

I do not want to be..that..person. But I will if I must.

I recently got into a conversation with a neighbor. Dad's small fishing puddle was brought up. They asked about going down there to fish. I told them  I really doubt there are any fish left in the thing thanks to other neighbors illegally trespassing, climbing the fence and fishing out the bigger cats years ago. The small was what he was wanting to fish for it seems. I told them they would have to talk with mom and dad as it was their property. Shortly after, I headed for home and to run errands.

Fast forward to late yesterday afternoon. My son was gone off on an adventure. I was straightening the kitchen and carried out the trash. As I walked back around the house I heard an odd sound coming from the woods. I first thought it was a deer and wanted to try and see it even if I didn't have my contacts in. As I got closer to the edge of the woods I realized that was not the sound of a deer, but the sound of someone in the woods down at the big puddle. Thinking it was my nephew I yelled out his name, but received no answer. I then yelled his son's name, still no response. The noises continued, sounding like someone with a machete or ax chopping something. I then called my nephew as I wasn't going down there on my own. I will admit that in the past I would have but maybe a bit older and wiser now and have back up to call upon. Turns out it was the neighbor I had spoken with days before. They had just taken it upon themselves to go fishing without talking with anyone.

They have my phone number. I gave it to them during our conversation. I'm guessing they thought they could get away with going by traveling through the woods. What they do not know is sound travels well up that hillside. When I am outside or have windows open, I can hear even casual conversation from the woods. Country folk will understand how well sound travels through the 'hollers' in the country.

When it began to really get dark they called to let me know they would be walking past my house. While I appreciated that call, I would have appreciated a first call more.

I need to have a conversation with this person.

First, the land is still mom and dad's. My name and my brother's name is on the deed, but it is primarily mom and dad's. Be respectful and ask permission. They are reasonable people.  If they say yes, good, but if they say no, accept the no and do not go back. Their age and health does not lend them to handle annoyances well.  Please do not think that every family member has the right to give you permission to be down there, some do, some don't. To be sure, ask mom and dad.

Second. Do not try sneaking in like the people years ago, that's wrong on every level. We need to know who is down there for many reasons. One of the two paths to the puddle is behind my house. I do not want people wandering about crossing my yard. The other is behind mom and dad's house. I definitely do not want strangers in their yard.

Third. It is private property. Even though the fence needs repairs, the fence is around the pond for a reason. To keep private property private. Mom has always feared too many people finding its location and thinking it okay to just go, even though it is not okay. No one is 'entitled' to simply wander about where ever they wish.

Fourth. That is not an open gun range. Yes, my nephew and his son and my brother have gone down there as it is a safe practice area. For family. No one ever goes down there without talking with mom and dad first. Some days are just not good days. They also let me know due to my dogs fear of those loud noises.

I don't want to be difficult. I want to be a good neighbor. But my priority is my parents and keeping them safe and calm. They do not need to worry about people being where they should not. I will be who ever and what ever I need to be, to protect them. I can be the best friend you would ever hope to have, mess with my parents, and I will be your worst enemy. I will be, that person.

Solitude Issues

 

I miss working. While I know how blessed I am to be able to be here for my parents and I wouldn't change this, I miss working. I took early retirement to be able to be here. This is not what my idea of retirement was, but I'm coming to find that nothing is what my ideas were.

I am very thankful that I am able to be here for my parents. It's kind of funny that just like new parents worry over if they are doing things right in taking care of their children, I worry over if I'm doing things right taking care of my parents. They are not fully incapable of taking care of themselves, but they do need help in some things. I pray often for discernment in my words and actions. Praying that whatever the need, I get it right. Taking care of them though, means I need to be around. I never know when something might come up or happen or cause issues. I'm not alone in their care as family also help but the extended family have jobs or other responsibilities which I do not. While I know being here has purpose, I miss that different sort of purpose. 

 Still, I miss working. I miss all the things that working offers. I miss feeling as if I am contributing something for myself, for my family, for society at large.

 I miss the having a schedule, an itinerary of what needed to be done when. A timetable that kept mind and body busy. I miss knowing that my days would have something going on at all times. I don't miss getting up at four in the morning but ten hour days meant long weekends.

 

 I miss the paycheck. I miss knowing I was going to have that much money, a bit more if over time was involved. It never seemed enough, especially after my husband passed away but it covered what was needed.

 

I miss the time with coworkers. The conversations, however brief, during the work day. The time of socialization, the coming together of minds and ideas. The laughter, the stress, the acceptance of differences. The simply being around other people on a regular basis. I even somewhat miss the confrontations that were always worked out in the end. I don't so much miss dealing with management as management always seemed to have their own agendas. The fact that I didn't play their political type games didn't help.

More than anything, I miss the people. I miss the companionship of coworkers. I miss the conversations. I miss having the connection no matter how small, with coworkers. Even with the annoyances.

Don't get me wrong. I love taking care of my parents, being here for them in their time of need. I am deeply thankful for this time. I know that I have been set aside from the work force to be able to be here for them. They took care of me many times when I had needs, how could I do any less for them?

Its the solitude that gets difficult sometimes.

There is Purpose

Its the time of year where I have windows open and ceiling fans circulating the air. I love this time of year. With the windows open I can hear the symphony around me. Even those which disturb my sleep. This morning I was awakened by an odd sound. Finally determining it to be a night bird I returned to my slumbers. Currently I am witnessing a slightly overcast sky and muted landscape. The deep greens of the woods behind the house comforting. From various locations birds are greeting each other and the day well into its beginning. The morning a time of quiet contemplation.

 Yesterday my dad shared with me his plans for an event he is putting on soon. An event that will happen only in his reality. This is the time of year when he can spend hours sitting on his front porch watching anything, everything or nothing pass by him. I listened to his initial plans, and what will need to be done before I returned to my home. I needed to run errands that didn't happen but I can do them today. My mother called me to let me know that dad had stopped one of the many delivery drivers that run up and down the road. Much too fast at times but that's another story. By the time mom got to them he was telling the driver all about his planned event. Mom's whispered words got a nod from the driver who told dad that one day when he had time he would stop and discuss the event with him. I was glad to hear that they both made it across the yard and back safely as their balance is not the best.

 Later I walked up to check on the vegetable plants that I have growing in planters. I got a good laugh out of my son when I called it my pot garden. For clarity its tomatoes, peppers and squash. It is up fairly close to the end of my yard due to that being the area that gets the most sunlight. While I was there I noticed my neighbor has a new puppy. I actually walked over and spoke with her for a while. She's lived there for seven years and this was our first conversation. There are reasons, that I now see were probably, mostly, incorrect. For both of us.

  We do not meet people by accident. Events do not happen randomly. I believe that everything that happens, everyone we meet, has purpose. Everyone who my dad has spoken with, no matter where he happens to be, have been very kind. He's in his mid nineties and has a rakish personality. Mom is more reserved, but she always has been, yet people treat her with kindness and compassion. Because that is what she gives to them. Most people we have crossed paths with in some fashion, have in their own way, shown that kindness. People have gone out of their way, to help me, help my parents.

 In the conversation with the neighbor, I may have found a new friend to hold conversation with, but offers a view and better knowledge of people passing on the dirt road that I cannot see due to the bushes blocking my view. This is one more who may help me take care of and protect my parents.

On another perspective, I believe that it is important that we show kindness and compassion to each other. That we care for those who we do not know but we see they have a need. It is when we offer hope, give encouragement, feed the hungry and thirsty, that we are showing love to our neighbor. When we care for those who cannot repay us, that is when we show and give love. When we recognize that everyone has purpose and matters, that is when we show love. Be it someone who is young or old, wealthy in material things or not, has a high social status or not. When we treat each other equally, that is showing and giving love.