Saturday, September 21, 2013

Thoughts on the emotions of my cancer

                                                              emotions are powerful

Looking cancer was in 2008....looking back, I can say that emotions play a big part in our life. Bigger than we may realize. There are so many stages to how we take things. I believe that as in many things we must face, each having their own set of emotions attached, we just have to work through each one as we progress into the situation.

I think, as I left that office, there was a part of me that already knew that I had-something-and that it was most likely cancer. Too many of those I had interacted with were just acting too suspicious. From talking way too much to not saying much at all in the way of answering questions. I would hazard a guess in that was the way they were trained, but it doesn't help ones concerns.

As you wait for the call that would give you some answers you begin to allow all manner of thoughts, fears, concerns to run amok in your mind creating all manner of strange scenarios. Or you simply deny the whole thing and continue to go about your life as if nothing is wrong.  There are questions that creep into your thoughts, followed by the not happening denials. You have this continuous running dialog in your head that drives you and anyone you might open up to crazy. Then again, you may simply not say anything, ignoring any and all possibilities.

Fear, is a dark emotion that kills joy. Fear eats at your life, taking big chunks out of your peace of mind. Stopping the music and song that your heart sings. Stealing the colors that make up the rainbow of your life. Fear takes the warmth and leaves you cold. Movement becomes difficult as you fear taking any steps at all, not knowing what may lay right around the bend, or thinking you know and not wanting to face it. Now or ever. Fear is a darkness, you wrestle with thoughts that steal the light and leave you hurting.

Anger as you shake your fists at fate and shout that it isn't fair. Why me, why now, why why why??? You don't want this, you hate this you do NOT want to deal with this. Not now, not ever. Anger is a lot like fear in what it does to your life only it isn't as cold. Its red hot and destroys all within range.

Hope, is what keeps you moving forward. Hope that it isn't as you fear, but knowing if it is, you'll be okay. One way or the other all will be fine.

Trust, goes hand in hand with hope. You trust that the diagnoses is correct. You trust in the doctors who will care for you and that the treatments will be what is needed and will take the dangers away. You trust that those around you will still be there no matter what, that they will help in what ever way you need them as you need them.

You learn a lot as you contemplate possibilities. You learn you are stronger, braver, more capable than you thought you were. You learn about things you never knew or contemplated before. You learn who will be there for you, you learn, who has always been there for you.

Acceptance, in that you have been told the truth. You do have to face this, it isn't going to just go away. Acceptance that there is going to be a lot going on. Doctors, treatments, surgery, medicine and all that goes along with it. Acceptance in that you are facing a long road, but you can do this.

Knowing, that what ever you are not alone.

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