Waiting for anything is not easy. While I do tend to be a patient person most times, I do have my moments. While I was waiting for the appointment for a surgical biopsy my mind went to places that it should have clearly stayed away from. There are many dark and frightening roads out there for a mind to wander down, each one beginning with the streets What if?
What if I do have cancer? What if its advanced? What if it has spread? What if.....? What if I have to have chemotherapy and I lose my hair? How will I look bald? What if, it has reached a point where there is nothing that can be done? All negative routes. All roads that only bring one to fear, tears and depression.
When my journey began I had no one to talk with, no one to answer questions, no one to be with me during those moments when fear attacked. My husband was in a journey of his own trying to find a job, that held him trapped, fearing what we were going to do to pay bills, where was he going to find employment being that a former employer was basically black listing him. So I quietly did what I could to help him- which actually often helped distract me from my own worries.
Still....... there were those times that I secretly wished for someone to talk to that could offer something. A few moments time away from all the worries and concerns. Someone who knew something, had information that could help me. I did a lot of internet research, but it simply wasn't the same. The doctor of course answered any questions I had, but doctors are busy people and I didn't want to take up too much of her time. So I quietly wished and carried on.
Now, these years down the road, I know more. Being a part of Relay for life I have picked up on a lot of information. I know of organizations and events and activities that are designed to do just what I had wanted during my battle.
There was a lot that had to be done before my surgical biopsy. A billion and a half questions to answer. X-rays to be done along with blood work. I had to have an MRI which I loath. I have a knowledge now of how a sardine feels, or at least would if it were alive in that can. I am mildly claustrophobic but determination and deep breathing along with imagining oneself somewhere extra special helped me get through.
Every day brought me closer, every moment seemed to drag. Time was my enemy as it allowed too many possible scenarios into my thoughts. I knew- this was merely a formality. I did realize that I had read way too many of the grocery store tabloids as my biggest concern was being on the operating table and feel the pain but not be able to tell them.
The one thing that kept me sane was the knowledge of my relationship with my Savior and that He was with me. I was not walking this journey alone. At times I felt as if He was probably sitting back shaking his head at the thoughts I was allowing to play through my head. We have not been given a spirit of fear..even as I allowed it to play often within. I knew already that I had cancer, but I knew that it was going to be okay. Still, being human with human frailties..
The cancer was definitely going to be the catalyst that brought me into a closer relationship and walk with my Lord.