Sunday, February 16, 2014

(One of) the Worst Feelings

Alone. The very worst feeling, was feeling alone. Like there was no one out there who understood. Of course there was people who had an understanding of what they endured, but no one can ever fully comprehend your feelings and struggles because they are yours.
 From the moment of diagnoses, how ever you handled it when you were told that you- or a loved one- had cancer. There is no wrong way to handle that information. You either accept it and decide to fight and survive, or you scream or cry or grow angry...and then you fight and survive. There is no wrong feeling. We are designed to have emotions, they help us deal with the blows and storms that come with this life. Without them we are robotic in our existence, going from moment to moment without action or reaction. With feelings, we are living, breathing, analyzing data and deciding on a fight strategy and survival tactics. We reach out to others for help or to help. We cook meals, we give rides, we sit quietly, we hug, we cry, we laugh, we pray, we support, we fight on, never giving up.
  As we prepare for the beginning, that first surgery, whether it is the only one or the first of many. We answer thousands of questions and the same questions repeatedly. We wonder just how many people we will have to talk with, how many different tests and procedures we will have to endure. But endure we will. We know we will deal with those who are compassionate, those who truly care and we will deal with those who are all business or are in a hurry to get their day finished. Even in this, we will show our strength.
  When the treatments begin, unless you are one who has a caregiver who is able to go along with you, to make sure you have transportation, who sits with you until you alone must walk back, then you sit there feeling the feelings of alone. You can hear the laughter and the whispers of those around you. You can hear the chatter of those who administer the treatments, but you are for the moment... alone. But you aren't.
   So many, too many have sat in that seat before you. So many, too many have fought similar battles before you. So many, too many will follow along behind you. Facing the battles, the fears, the anger, that feeling of being alone even when surrounded by others.
  It was the only time during my personal battle when I felt the tears threaten, when I felt alone. I knew people were praying for me. I knew that my Lord and Savior was with me. I knew that my family and friends supported me....but in that one moment, sitting in that waiting area for my next radiation treatment I felt very much alone.
 That, is one of the reasons among many that I do what I do. I became a part of Relay for Life not long after my diagnoses. I participated in my first all night Relay not long after I finished my radiation treatments. Many thought that I couldn't make it all night...but I did. It was lonely at times, I did cry as I walked that Luminaria lap, the light from the candles burning the only light on the track. I read the many names as I walked, too many names on too many bags. At times it was almost too cold to bear, I had my son bring me another bigger blanket and jacket as I fought the night, the exhaustion and the feelings that attacked from all sides. I made it that night, and every Relay night after that. I walk, for those who cannot. I walk in memory of those lost, in honor of those who are survivors. I walk in the hopes of raising money to help in the fight, to help in research, to help in the many programs that the American Cancer Society has for those fighting. I do what I try and find ways to show others, that they are not alone.
 Please help support the ACS and Relay for Life..if you can't find an event in your areas will you please support me with a donation? Following is the link to my profile page on Relay, there is a link to my team HEART for a cure there..feel free to sign up, you don't need to be local, all you need is a heart for a cure.. (Honoring Everyone Affected Recognizing The caregiver)

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