So Much

 

Yesterday while in a conversation someone made the comment, "because you do so much". This conversation had nothing to do with my caring for my parents. While I didn't argue, I was confused. I see how much others step up and do in helping and I am nowhere near their level. I would love to be on that level, but I know I'm not. Its actually the same with my parents. I feel as if I could do more, do better, accomplish more. I pray nightly for discernment, strength, compassion to be able to be better in helping.

I wonder though, when it comes to assisting in events or family, are there levels? Do we begin as an apprentice helper and work our way up through the ranks? Are there those who see life and helping this way or is it no matter the amount of help it is all considered "so much"?

 Maybe most people do not keep record of what they do, how much or how often they help. Maybe, it is the act and help that is most important. Maybe, what we do, is the responsibility appointed to us at that time. Maybe, our help is based on the talents and abilities possessed. We should not compare ourselves to others as we are not them. Their talents are not ours and vice versa. What I feel is important is that when it comes to helping, we use those talents to the best of our ability. That we seek to accomplish our assigned mission but always be prepared to step up and help another if the need arises.

Maybe, it isn't the amount, but the willingness. Maybe it isn't the physical work, but the work of the heart. Maybe it isn't the time spent, but the love shown. Maybe, it is understanding that often it is the stepping up as you are able and being there when needed.

 There are times when I feel guilty over not helping more. When I feel as if my limited participation diminishes  my value. I doubt I am alone with those feelings. Yesterday though, I was told I was appreciated because I do so much. That doesn't minimize the work of or those who do more. It shows to me, that all help is appreciated and nothing is too little.

An over thinker at work? Maybe. Sometimes we simply need to work things out in our head and heart to bring a better understanding and acceptance of what we are told. Realizing that for some, even a little is considered a lot, considered as 'so much'.

The World Needs More of That

 

Another day stretches out before us, a blank page awaiting writing, and we, are the writers. The day before us our adventure. Each moment, ours to fill. How will you use this day? How will you fill the page? What thoughts or emotions will reign over your day? Today my son's morning began less than optimally. One incident after another happened and stacked on top of the prior. Each one could have made his attitude darker, but a later text message eased my mind that he wasn't allowing his day to be ruined.

I have conversations with people who no matter what I say, they have to top it in some form. They have faced worse or better... always. I don't fight it, simply accept that they may not intend or realize they are doing this. Its better than pointing it out and maybe causing a conflict or hurt feelings.

 There are days when in all honesty, I am tired, frustrated, weak. I simply want to ignore and be ignored. It is those days when I am challenged the most. It is those days when I will come across someone with a need to be addressed. I will face a delay to require patience. Something will happen that will be a test of my determination to live the life instructed of a Christian. Our words are important, but people often do not listen. They do however see how we live, act, how we treat those around us in every situation.

So

What will the ones who come after you think? This day is here only once, each moment used then gone. How will your use of that time be recalled? Will you use each block of time as a way to fulfill your own agenda? Or will you make time for compassion? Some moments of Being the difference takes only moments. A kind word can change an entire day for someone. A generous act- open a door, retrieve an item dropped, reach an item for someone- a quick, brief span of time quickly dismissed for some- but that may last weeks for others in their heart and memory.

Will your words and tone or voice, make a moment good, or not? Will you speak in kindness and understanding or not? What reaction to your words will you see in others?

BE the difference for someone today...The World needs more of that.

Truly Poor

 

I'm sitting here enjoying that usual cup okay cups, of morning coffee. All the routine things have been handled and now I have a moment. The windows are open and I am listening to the wind blow through the trees outside. The sky is a light grey due to the possibility of rain. At the moment, this is a time of reflection.

 Today would have been my late husband's 71st birthday.  I do miss him, but I am  adapting to life without him. This life if being single and yet strong.

This weekend there is a large gathering of folks who drive Jeeps in a nearby mountain town. My brother is talking about a trip he has coming up next month. Things I cannot participate in due to a couple reasons. Only one of which is financial.  My son was recently complaining about us being poor. This gave me a good reason for one of those mom speeches. While we are financially restricted, we are not poor. Poor is homeless. Poor is without personal vehicles. Poor is hungry. Poor is wearing the same clothes every day due to not having anything else. He did understand and agree.

 One reason is the fact I do not like doing things alone. Maybe if I made myself do it more often, I would grow more comfortable being a single person in a crowd of couples or gathering of friends. I also do not feel comfortable driving to places without knowing where I am going, where the parking or the gathering as a group will be. My son tried to tell me its the not knowing everything that adds to the sense of adventure.

 The main reason is the need to be here with and for my parents. From moment to moment one never knows what may happen. 

 I took mom to a doctor's appointment one day this week and the appointment took longer than expected. Dad who is usually fine alone, had a moment and got scared. He called the county police who responded to make sure he was okay. They had arrived shortly before we got back. We are now putting plans into place that someone is always there should I have to take mom anywhere without him. My extended family has helped in the past, even as they all work and have other responsibilities. Now though, I will need more of that help.

Here's the thing. While I do at times feel as if I am missing out when I can't participate in events or go on trips, the envy passes quickly. While my son and I do not have a massive or even small amount of throw way cash, we have enough. It isn't money or lack of that makes one wealthy or poor. It is what one has in their heart.

We live where I grew up, the small forest behind the house still full of the magic and memories. The peace and privacy priceless. We have family around us who are here for us when needed. We are able to help them, when needed. We won't eat at the finest establishments or run off to far away adventures, but we do have food, home, clothing. We have our requirements to life and that is all we really need.

Thing is, there is a big difference in what is poor. There is poor materially which in the end, won't matter. The worst type of poor, is spiritually poor. It is when you do not know the Lord or have Him in your heart. It is when you do not know His forgiveness that lightens your spirit. It is when you do not know His love, the love that causes you to share with others what you have been given. The peace. The comfort. The assurance. The promise of eternal life with Him. The things of this lifetime will pass away. The material possessions will become immaterial once our life ends. What is important, is the relationship we have with Jesus. For the time we spend with Him after this life, is eternal and will never fade away. It is without Him, when we are truly poor.

This Gift

 

The original of this was written yesterday. Due to a variety of things I did not get it posted. So here is the updated version.

It's a bit on the dark side this morning. The sun obscured by a light grey cloud cover. The computer said rain was on the way. Rain I don't mind so much as long as its not a gully washing, frog strangling downpour. My mother has a doctor's appointment today and I really do not wish to attempt to drive in one of those. There is also the fact I need new wiper blades on my jeep.

Yesterday over on my social media I shared my day. I wanted to clarify my feelings a bit on why I shared this:

What a day. To the bank for mom and my son. Took forever to get off the dirt road thanks to traffic, then had to wait where the road was one lane due to utility work. Finally out and headed toward the bank. Only two tellers and one was tied up by someone with a locked card. Once it was my turn they misunderstood how I wanted the denominations on the check I cashed for mom. Finally got that all accomplished and was headed home.

Had to wait again at the utility work. Got mom her money and the list of things she needed at Sam's Club. Back on the road, back in line at the utility work, finally headed for and made it to Sam's. Got her water and went off in search of tissues. Ran into a Jeep club member and had a wonderful, though brief, chat. Found the tissues, got that paid for and in the Jeep.Thankfully my shoulder has healed otherwise I could not have lifted those 40 bottle packages over the spare tire.

Then to wally world because I needed eggs. Bought a cold energy drink for my son.

Took James the drink and his bank card.

Made it back tot he dirt road, took mom her stuff and finally got home.

I was home maybe 30 minutes when James called and needed me to come get him. I start out, had to wait at the utility work, then headed to where my son works. He called to check on how close I was when I was 2/3 of the way there. Picked him up, drove home, got through the utility work stop and go and then managed to get home. He got what he needed then rode his bike back to work.

I then went down to mom's and helped her fill out paperwork for her upcoming doctor.'s visit.

Dad had lost a hat my brother brought him from Canada. I found it in the chair under his cushion.

Dad uses a magic potion of water and lavender essential oil in a spray bottle to help him sleep. It needed to be replenished.

Dad had lost his watch. I found that in a jacket pocket in his bedroom.

I got back to my house and decided it was pizza night. As soon as the kitchen is cleaned and I have a cup of hot tea I'm done.

While not all my days are like that, many are. (I am NOT seeking any compliments or comments on how I am doing as a daughter) I simply never know what I'm going to be facing with each new day. Ever since dad fell and struck his head he has days when he can't find things or has to be reminded of stuff that he was just told about not that long ago. The fact he will soon, Good Lord willing, be ninety-five adds to the issues.

As far as the responsibilities and events like yesterday, I am very thankful for the opportunity to be here for those who need me. I am very grateful that I am able to be here and take care of my parents in and with their needs. Do I get tired? Oh yes. Are there other things I wish I could do? Sometimes. But it's a matter of priorities. Right now, they are my priority. Even when I get envious of the things I wish I could but can't do right now. That envy fades quickly when I hear the appreciation in my mother's voice.

Yesterday mom had her appointment. She will need some procedures done on her eyes in the not so distant future. They will be calling me to set up the appointments. We had no idea that the appointment would take as long as it did. Dad is usually fine alone. However when we pulled down the dirt road, there in their driveway was a county police cruiser. A well check. Not sure who called, maybe dad, I didn't ask. Mom and I had discussed dad several times while we were out, so the officer wasn't a real surprise. Thankfully this was another very nice officer. A compassionate, understanding, kind yet professional officer who took all the time needed with dad and us. Still though, this means no more leaving dad alone even on good days. Because good days can change to bad quickly.

Dad has a doctor appointment later today. I may end up taking him myself and letting mom stay home and rest. Because, I will do what I can, as I can, every day. I will answer the calls and run to fix, help, do what ever I am able. I was set aside from a job I would not have left otherwise, to be here for this time. Even on the days I am tired and complain a bit, I will thank God daily for this gift.

Lessons Across Time

 

Not being employed or having a productive hobby gives me plenty of time to think. From time to time I've had conversations face to face or online with people who have mentioned that they can tell a difference in me. I'll be honest, I can tell a difference in me.

Back when the virus thing first showed up, there was some concern but not much as I felt safe in my job,I knew they were doing what they thought best to protect the employees and I didn't go much of anywhere after work anyway.

Then, I got the call letting me know I no longer had a job. That rocked my world a bit. I just wasn't expecting that after having been told often that I would always be there and my job was secure. I was hurt. I was angry. I felt betrayed.

But. I love it when there's a but..Looking back now after over time, I can see that this has worked out for the best. Now, over four years along, the mental angst I felt then, has faded to a point of nothing more than the annoyance of a mosquito. The desire to spew vocal venom over the loss of job and the way it was done is gone. Because I can see all that has come since.

 My parents are getting up in years. They have health issues and needs that I am able to assist with since I am here. Time passing has taken a heavy toll on them, but it tends to do that to us all.

I was told when I was let go that I would be called back when things picked up. I needed something to do while I waited. Yard work.

What began then simply as a project to give me something to do and make my yard look better in appearance and be safer in use has brought about so much more. That is only strengthened by my current home and yard projects.

When the first section was completed, there was a really good feeling of accomplishment. There was also a feeling of peace inside as I was doing the work all on my own as much as possible. If something was too heavy, I did ask my son for help, but most times I found a way to get things done on my own. The job I had, always kept me pretty busy, so I'm used to activity, but I was using muscles that I didn't ordinarily use. Still, parts of it became methodical. When you start doing something like that, you can get a rhythm and it helps bring about a feeling of peace.

As each section of the yard was cleared, I felt better. The first time I found many snakes along the way, most nonvenomous, but a few that were dangerous and who were immediately relocated. This time I have not found any reptiles other than the very small and totally harmless.

I've been reading books that are educational and enlightening. I have not been able to sit and read in forever. There was always an interruption. Because of that my focus and attention span had suffered. Still now, years in, I find myself late in the evening reading and finding peace in the moments.

With all of the time that I have had here on my own, all the time to search my own heart and mind, I have found something that was long misplaced..me. I do still have those moments of stress, especially when I am concerned about my son or parents. Otherwise, there is a peace inside that has long been missing. I am very happy at long last with me. I like me, I like the life I have been given, I am content. I will admit that there are those rare moments when the solitude can be lonely, but it is a passing moment. I feel that this time has purpose. If I were popular and highly social, I could not be here for my parents. They need me more than I need a social status.

I am blessed with a home that sits in the woods. I can listen to the birds, I can watch what ever critter wanders by, I can watch the hummingbirds defend the feeders from each other. I have a body that still can do pretty much what I ask, I have a mind that is hungry for more understanding of expanded topics. I have a heart that loves and I have a soul that while seeks to find ways to make life better for others, is content with mine otherwise. The days of darkness have faded to near nothing, a disappearing point in the distance. Time heals and time instructs. I feel I have grown in many ways.  My mind, heart and spirit knows where my help comes from, my help comes from the Lord.

Psalm 121 1

I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

Finding The Way

 

Do you ever feel as if you are alone? That if you were to disappear, no one would notice or care? Do you ever find yourself in a room, sitting alone, while others seem to be the life of the party? They are the one everyone gathers around, while you feel left out? Do you find yourself deliberately standing back in a gathering, feeling alone while others are gathered together laughing and enjoying the moment? Because you feel as if you don't fit in, don't belong, don't ... don't....don't??

Where do we get these ideas, thoughts and feelings from?

Yes, we are each and all different from the others. Every one of us is unique with out own set of talents and personality. Some are more comfortable in group gatherings, while some may be better at hiding or working over and through their discomfort. Some may be better and more determined to be a part of something rather than allow insecurities to cause them to miss out. Some love the fun and energy that comes from being in a crowd.

There is a sad truth that thanks to things such as internet and social media giving some people a sense of anonymity, they feel as if they can- and they do- attack people at will. Laughing at the differences we each hold. The thing is, this simply shows their own immaturity and lack of human compassion and kindness. It is not a showing of the one being attacked shortcomings. If you are one who is being harassed or attacked, understand that one truth. It still hurts, but we can learn that it isn't us so much as it is them.

Can we take the attacks and grow from them? If we are in need of further education, lessons on clothing and style, manners, weight, hygiene, learning what talents we possess and which ones we don't.. or how to be able to dance (even if we have no talent) as if no one is watching. We can, we can take what someone means for pain, and make it a stairway to improvement and really turn the tables on the attacker. Because the sad truth to a lot of the attacks is that the attacker is not as secure as they want others to believe and they attack to make themselves feel better by making others feel less.

Now, we are each and every one of us important in our own rights and ways. We each and everyone contribute to this life through our own personalities and talents. We are different by design. A tree is designed to be tall and create shade, every plant cannot be a tree, we need the shrubbery to provide food and shade for the smaller animals and the flowers for the insects. Not every person can be singers, because then who would dance? Not every person can be writers, because who would act? Not every person can be leaders, or designers....

We are each and every single one of us important in our own selves. We are created to be that way. Do not let another individual, because they do not understand this- make you feel less than who you are. Do not allow your own insecurities cause you to miss out on life and laughter. Find your strength, find your voice, find your talent..because we all do have them. With our voice and talents we can BE and create a difference in this life- for ourselves and for those around us who are struggling.

Even if you are uncomfortable in group settings, you matter. Even when you feel as if you do not fit into the group energy, you do as you are a part of that energy. Find at least one individual and focus on them, (not in a creep way) and allow that to block the discomfort. Seek and be part of the conversations with them and those around you. Find even a small piece of common ground and use that. Do not, let you discomfort in a situation cause you to leave there and trash talk the event and people. That will not earn you any points in your favor. There may be those who see, read, hear your vitriolic words and even share them, but would not seek to be around you for fear of you turning on them as well.

Understand that groups of people are made up of people with different personalities and energy levels. One must learn how to react to the differences and find your comfort with them. But, to also understand that it may not always work. It does take two to make a friendship work. Sometimes, personalities do not match but that doesn't make you or them bad, just too different. It will work with others, you simply have to brave up and keep trying. Either way know, if you disappeared, you would be missed. Even when you feel unimportant, you are very much important. What we often do not see, is that the smallest acts, can and will make the biggest difference for some. Find a way to allow your inner strength and courage to grow and guide you. Keep being the you who you are and know that others do appreciate you and look for you, even when you do not realize or see.

I Will Be That Person

 

I do not want to be..that..person. But I will if I must.

I recently got into a conversation with a neighbor. Dad's small fishing puddle was brought up. They asked about going down there to fish. I told them  I really doubt there are any fish left in the thing thanks to other neighbors illegally trespassing, climbing the fence and fishing out the bigger cats years ago. The small was what he was wanting to fish for it seems. I told them they would have to talk with mom and dad as it was their property. Shortly after, I headed for home and to run errands.

Fast forward to late yesterday afternoon. My son was gone off on an adventure. I was straightening the kitchen and carried out the trash. As I walked back around the house I heard an odd sound coming from the woods. I first thought it was a deer and wanted to try and see it even if I didn't have my contacts in. As I got closer to the edge of the woods I realized that was not the sound of a deer, but the sound of someone in the woods down at the big puddle. Thinking it was my nephew I yelled out his name, but received no answer. I then yelled his son's name, still no response. The noises continued, sounding like someone with a machete or ax chopping something. I then called my nephew as I wasn't going down there on my own. I will admit that in the past I would have but maybe a bit older and wiser now and have back up to call upon. Turns out it was the neighbor I had spoken with days before. They had just taken it upon themselves to go fishing without talking with anyone.

They have my phone number. I gave it to them during our conversation. I'm guessing they thought they could get away with going by traveling through the woods. What they do not know is sound travels well up that hillside. When I am outside or have windows open, I can hear even casual conversation from the woods. Country folk will understand how well sound travels through the 'hollers' in the country.

When it began to really get dark they called to let me know they would be walking past my house. While I appreciated that call, I would have appreciated a first call more.

I need to have a conversation with this person.

First, the land is still mom and dad's. My name and my brother's name is on the deed, but it is primarily mom and dad's. Be respectful and ask permission. They are reasonable people.  If they say yes, good, but if they say no, accept the no and do not go back. Their age and health does not lend them to handle annoyances well.  Please do not think that every family member has the right to give you permission to be down there, some do, some don't. To be sure, ask mom and dad.

Second. Do not try sneaking in like the people years ago, that's wrong on every level. We need to know who is down there for many reasons. One of the two paths to the puddle is behind my house. I do not want people wandering about crossing my yard. The other is behind mom and dad's house. I definitely do not want strangers in their yard.

Third. It is private property. Even though the fence needs repairs, the fence is around the pond for a reason. To keep private property private. Mom has always feared too many people finding its location and thinking it okay to just go, even though it is not okay. No one is 'entitled' to simply wander about where ever they wish.

Fourth. That is not an open gun range. Yes, my nephew and his son and my brother have gone down there as it is a safe practice area. For family. No one ever goes down there without talking with mom and dad first. Some days are just not good days. They also let me know due to my dogs fear of those loud noises.

I don't want to be difficult. I want to be a good neighbor. But my priority is my parents and keeping them safe and calm. They do not need to worry about people being where they should not. I will be who ever and what ever I need to be, to protect them. I can be the best friend you would ever hope to have, mess with my parents, and I will be your worst enemy. I will be, that person.