Sunday, June 25, 2017

Finding Direction

                         All of this has been such uncharted waters for me. I feel at times, like the captain of a ship who is on their first voyage, only they have no clue as to how to find their way to their destination. If there is a road map to this anywhere, I'm sure it would probably be very out of date the way things change these days. So here I am, now a widow, now alone, now trying to find my way through the maze of red tape, bureaucracy, financial, emotional, etc... that confronts me at every turn. I know that I am not the first to deal with this, and there is no way I will be the last, but I have realized that it is a journey that we all must face on our own as each journey is different. Before I go further, let me say that I do not believe that on my own means alone. My God, my Strength, my Comforter, has been with me and continues to be with me through all of this. I know that I would not have made it anywhere near this far without my knowing He is here.
                          One of the things I have done from the beginning, is make lists. I have listed phone numbers. I have listed names and gifts. I have listed organizations. When we were trying so hard to get my husband's earthly body home, I had the numbers ready when I needed them. I still have them should questions arise. I made lists of everyone we owed and how much. As each one has been paid, the name has been checked and struck through and the amount deducted from the checkbook. Sadly the amount in the checkbook dropped quicker than the names on the list but I know that it will work out. I have faith that everything will be paid. I made a separate list of those I needed to contact for changes in accounts. Some were easy, some were not, some have required multiple phone calls and visits. Slowly though, the names are being checked off. The sad part is that is seems that every time I manage to strike through one item, something else comes to mind. But I think, that I am seeing a bit of daylight finally.
                          My son and I went yesterday (6.24.17) to see about the headstone for my husband's grave. The gentleman who owned the business I discovered to be a gentle soul with a huge heart. He was very kind and very informative. He made sure that I understood each thing and checked every item of information that is to be on the marker. Even when I told him that I had walked off without my checkbook (no, not intentionally) he told me that he would give me an addressed, stamped envelope that I could mail him the check and that he should have the stone in place by Thursday. The check is already in the mail. Yes, I will be up at the cemetery Thursday afternoon, with flowers, with a sad heart, but knowing I'm trying and I'm trying to follow his repeated instructions given to me long before he passed.
                                 One of my husband's pension plans have let me know what I am eligible for and when. That letter has been responded to, now I await the other one.
                              I still have two items, that I currently know of, on the original list. To take care of one of them, I am waiting on the check from where I surrendered part of my own life insurance. The other I am going to have to pay a visit to the place find out exactly what I need to do to be able to mark this item off the list. Years ago my husband and I had purchased two cemetery plots in a large cemetery. Instead of placing him there, I had him buried at the church we attend. I hope to be able to sell the other two plots. The money from them would help greatly.
                               Once that list is done, my next list is ready. I'm trying, really trying to find my direction. There is a part of me that feels that I need for all of these lists to be done before I move forward with other things I know need to be done. The yard is in serious need of work. The house needs things done. But those are lists waiting to be created, I need to do first things first and not get ahead of myself. I know that I can do all things through God who strengthens me, but I know that to try and do too many things at the same time only leads to confusion, exhaustion and possibly depression when I don't get them done in the way and time that I think I should.
                                    As it is, I will take paperwork with me tomorrow, and after work I will head down to the cemetery and see what they have to say. Hopefully that will be one more item struck through soon. I will continue to move forward, one day, one breath, one prayer, one list, at a time.

No comments:

Post a Comment