What am I going to do?

                       Its June first. Oh dear heavens, June is here. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm concerned.. I'm every other adjective, adverb, descriptive noun, pronoun and any other word that one can think of to describe how I am feeling. I've been dreading this, and it isn't even here.....yet. But its really close. June the sixth, would have been my husband's 64th birthday. Now, he will be celebrating in Heaven, and I will be here, missing him.

                         While I spend the greatest part of my time in walking prayer, a conversation running constantly through my head, there are times, the missing sneaks in.  I am only human, with human failings. I believe, God has a plan. I trust Him to take care of us. I know, that all of this will work out for the glory of God. Knowing all of that, ready to express my beliefs. trying to be a good witness, I still slip. I miss my husband. When that missing him emotion slips in, I pray even harder, whether I am at work, at home, doing the grocery shopping. I draw closer to God and cling to my faith and revel in the warmth of the comforting peace I find with Him.

                        I've mentioned before that I listen to a faith based radio station. I've listened enough that I'm beginning to learn enough of the words to some of the songs so that they get trapped in my head and I spend the day singing the words I know. Praising the One who will guide me through this storm. For I know, that no matter how bad it seems right now, there is a light, His light, guiding me, drawing me closer to Him, guiding me out of the darkness and away from the winds of despair, the rains of heartbreak and the lightening of loneliness. He is my shelter, He is my stronghold, He is my peace and comfort. I will cling to my Savior, my Lord, my God and believe. I will find my place at the foot of the cross and leave my worries there. I will cling to the hem of His garment and find my healing.

                          As the day that would have been my husband's birthday approaches, I am noticing, once again, all of the things that are now the new normal. My phone doesn't ring, and I have no one to call on my breaks at work. There is no one asking, am I spelling this right? How do you spell...." there is no one complaining about traffic or broker loads or dock workers. There is no one calling to tell me that he will be home tonight. The house is way too quiet. The dogs are not listening and looking for you any longer. I can make my bed every single day now because you aren't here messing up your side. I can finish what I start, because you aren't here asking me to come and do this, that or the other thing. Its more obvious that you aren't here, will never again be here and the missing you is slipping in under the door.

                             I was considering taking the day off when it gets here, but I fear that would not be a good idea. I know that being at work will keep me busy enough that I will be able to get through the day. If I take it off, I'll spend the day in emotional misery. So I'll work, I'll find ways to stay busy. I'll probably drive up to the cemetery and even though I know you aren't there, will probably spend a  while there. It will be the closest I can get to you. I miss you. Your birthday is fast approaching, what am I going to do?