I've been waiting for what seemed like an extraordinarily long time for the life insurance check. It seemed that way, but since I've never waited on one before I had no idea how long it should take. Either way, it came, and I got it deposited in the bank as quickly as I could. There was no way I wanted that thing anywhere vulnerable. So now, its safely in the bank and I'm waiting on the funds to be available. According to the lady at the bank, the first portion should be available in a couple of days, the rest in around a week. She gave me a paper showing the dates but I've already put it away. So now, to work up a plan on what exactly to pay off and what to pay on.
I've written down a list of our debts and the amount owed. Added up, there is more debt than resources. I can blame no one but ourselves. While our circumstances were problematic, we should have been able to fight our way out rather than dig ourselves deeper. But dig deeper we did. I had health issues and my husband lost his job due to lay offs. He then went to truck driving school, got his license and began driving. The first two jobs he had, did not pay that well in money, but got him a wealth of experience. During this time, we were constantly borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. We were trying to stay afloat, but the water only got deeper. Then, he got a good job, that he really liked, only it was very short lived.
During our struggles, our son has seen what being irresponsible with one's finances can cause. He has seen, how the unrestrained use of credit cards may get you what you think you want quickly, but that money has to be paid back with interest. Its one thing to use them only if one must, and if you pay them off at the end of the cycle, its another to allow the debt to linger and the interest to grow. Looking at the debt we owe, and looking around the house, I can't see much of anything to account for the amount owed. I hope, that my son, while seeing our struggles over money every single day, will be smarter with his own finances. While I'm praying for wisdom and guidance on how to handle this journey, I'm hoping that he is watching and taking notes. I'm hoping that he will remember the times when his dad would worry over the cost of something and whether we had the money in the bank to cover it, only to turn around and charge the item, adding to the ever growing debt. I'm hoping, he will remember seeing me, before my husband got the good job, as I tried to pay one bill, only to turn around a couple of days later and borrow that money back to pay another bill. We weren't going under, but we weren't actually staying afloat either.
Once my husband finally got a good job that paid so very much better, we were beginning to build that ladder out of the hole we were in. We were actually making progress. Even when my husband spent time in the hospital, we were okay. There was always someone with a good heart who felt lead to help us, and kept us stable.
Then, my husband passed away. I lost count of the times my husband would be in a mood for one reason or another and would tell me, that if anything happened to him, at least I would have money. I quit trying to tell him that he was wrong, as of course being male, he was never wrong. but he was. Now I'm trying to figure out the best way to take what came, and fill that debt hole that we dug so deeply. I need discernment, I need wisdom, I need prayers for that and more. I know though, that I am not alone in this journey. I know, that God has a plan. I've said it before, I'll say it many more times, I believe it to be true. This will work out for His glory. I just need to get back out of the way and allow Him to act. So that it won't just be money in the bank, but answers to prayer, answers to problems, answers to the mess of a maize that I have gotten myself in to and am trying so hard to find my way out. Then, not only will there be money in the bank, but peace in my heart.