I was very blessed that so many people dug deep in their pockets and shared with us. I was very blessed, that I was married to a man who always did his best to be one month ahead on the bills, in the checking account. It was easier to do this, because he finally had a really good job, working with a company that treated the employees like family not like workers. I had been getting over time where I worked and was trying to knock my own personal bills out. Then, my husband passed away suddenly. Then, the over time went away.
Because of the generosity of so many, and because of my husband's budgeting, I have been able to keep making all of the payments on time, plus keep gas in the car and food in the cabinets. I haven't worried about anything, and I'm still not worried. I have faith that God is in control of this and that He has a plan. I know that He will take care of us, that He is, taking care of us.
So I will not worry that no matter how I try to stretch the awaited insurance money, it won't stretch all the way. There are still bills that won't get paid off. I was really hoping that I could do that. I was really, seriously hoping that I could wipe the slate clean and start again and be a lot more careful in spending. I've done really well I think in handling the money that had been given to us. I still have a little over enough to cover this month's bills. Thanks, largely to a very generous friend who felt lead to share their blessings with me and James, and who answered that leading. I had hoped to use that toward a new furnace air conditioning unit, but, I have a wood stove and windows, we'll be fine.
With all of that being said, here is what I believe. I was not meant to have enough to cover everything. Oh, I could surrender my life insurance and have enough, but then I wouldn't have any life insurance. I need that so that should something happen, James will have the money to take care of my burial and what ever else is needed. (Not that I'm planning on going anywhere any time soon, but we never know when we will be called home.) I believe, that this is going to be one of those God moments where once I step back out of the way fully, He will step in and take care of things in a way that shows it was Him and done for His glory. Because I don't know of any other way that I could come up with the amount of money that I need to cover everything.
I write these blogs, I have more readers now that I ever did, but with each day that passes since my husband died, the number of readers drop. Yes, there are ads, and yes, I am trying to earn a dollar off of this, but unless there are a lot more readers, that isn't going to happen. I realize too, that there are only so many people who are interested in how a new widow is getting by. (On faith baby, on faith.)
I have other irons in the fire across cyber space, but they aren't doing all that well either. I have to face up to the fact I am not an entrepreneur. I did well when I was fundraising, but that was for charity. I don't want to ask for money for me. Especially when I know that there are others who are in much greater need. Things are getting paid, we aren't going hungry, we aren't in the dark or at risk of being homeless.
I am of the opinion, as I stated above, that the reason my attempts have so far failed, is that God is waiting on me to quit trying to do His job, stop, move back out of the way and let Him handle this. Being human, being a person who has always had to step up and do things, stopping and getting out of the way isn't easy. Waiting, isn't easy when you've been the one who wants things done, now. But that is what I believe, is exactly what I need to do, stop, step back, and wait. God will handle this, He will and is, taking care of us, and in His time, I will have everything that He wishes us to have. In the meantime, I will worry not.