Its after eight in the evening, I've gotten to where I'm usually doing pretty well long about this time. Today, I'm not. Today, I simply cannot shake the sadness.
It could be because today is mom's birthday and you aren't here to help celebrate. I can remember how you were concerned about living so close to my parents, but how they embraced you like a son, not just a son-in-law. That's my family, we have always been told and taught that family is very important, and to treat each other well, love strong and defend each other no matter what. When you realized that my folks were not going to be anything like any of the horror stories you hear about, you relaxed and grew to love them almost as much as I do. And even tough they didn't always agree with some of the things you said or did, they loved you dearly.
It could be because I'm so very tired. Physically from trying to fill that flowerbed by hauling that dirt around the house. And don't ask where James was, he was still at work or just got home, obviously exhausted. You could see it in his face and body language. I'm not going to ask him to haul dirt when he's so tired already. My heart is so tired from the missing you. Every break at work,I want to call you so badly.. because that was what I always did. I expect your call the minute I walk in the door, of course it doesn't, and won't, come. I'm tired from all of the decisions that I'm suddenly having to make alone. I'm tired of pushy people and so very thankful for those who have gone out of their way to help me. I have no idea what I would have done without them.
I'm tired of worrying about the mistakes I've made along the way and wondering how they may effect any outcome.
It could be because I know all of the things still waiting to be done. The list just keeps growing and growing. I had no idea that there was so much involved. I have appointments made, I already have time scheduled from work to take care of it.
I'm tired of worrying about what they think at work. I'm trying to do my job, but sometimes, when I'm distracted, the darkness descends and its all I can do to take the next step. I'm trying to do my job, I'm trying to not upset any of management, but sometimes, I believe that they are thinking its time I shaped up. That maybe I'm slacking or not doing everything as quickly or efficiently as I should be.
The reason I can't shake the sadness today could be because its only a couple days away when you would have been gone two months. It seems like forever and yet it seems like just yesterday I was nearly screaming "NO!" into the phone. I dread four o'clock now. That was when I got the call. That is when I know that I will be leaving work and going home to an empty house. I know, I did it all the times when you were on the road, but ... its different now.
It could be because of the old medicine boxes that I threw away today. I know better, I think, but it felt almost as if I were throwing a part of you away. And I look at all of your things, your clothing and stuff from the truck. I have your stuff, but I don't have you.
It could be because its raining and supposed to turn off cool again. Its good sleeping weather I know but it doesn't do much for the heart. Its almost as if the clouds are crying the tears that I can't.
It could be because I want so badly to show you that you didn't kill mom's roses, that not only are they still living, they're blooming.
I don't know, it could be any of those things, it could be all of those things, it could be none of them. It could be, because I miss you so badly. You spoke often that something could happen while you were out there. You told me repeatedly that you would go before me. I just had no idea it would be so soon. I miss you, I love you,