Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Smiling my way through

 I talked about you today.
 I Haven't been doing a lot of that when talking with people. I would start to say something and then stop. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Past moments, when I would make a comment, remember something you said or did, I could see the discomfort that it caused. So, except for the writings I've done, and talking with family, I have not said much. I would remember, and I would hold that memory close, even in my silence.
 Today though, today, I talked about you. Not a lot mind you, but more than I have been. I acknowledged to a friend, that I missed you. I said that you were a pain in the backside sometimes, but I still missed you terribly. She told me that it seemed like we missed those who were a pain more because they were always around. Always doing, saying something. Now, you're not. You're not here physically, but my memories of you, of us, are here. I hold them close, I cherish them, and I will from time to time, bring them out and share something.
Especially after today.
 Talking about you felt good. It felt healing. It felt, comforting.
After I had talked about you, I had this odd feeling. I was back out on the manufacturing floor and realized that something was different. I was smiling, for no real reason, but there I stood, watching things happening around me, and I was smiling. It really felt good, I felt a bit lighter inside.  For the first time, I didn't immediately lose the smile and feel the guilt of being here and you not. Because yeah, there has been that guilt. I'm not sure why, because I know that where you are now, you are better than you've been in a long, long time. You would say that you would give anything if you could breath well again. You gave your everything, but I know,  now you are breathing easily, you have your energy and all of your health restored.  I know, that you are walking the streets of gold and seeing and hearing the angels sing praises. You have seen Jesus. You, have seen, while I walk in faith.  Maybe, a part of that guilt was the missing you, the wishing you were still here, even though I would never ask you to come back and I know that you would not want to leave where you are. Not even for us.
 Through out the rest of the day, that smile would slip out from time to time, even with the madness of work going on around me. Even, and especially, when four o'clock finally rolled around. You know that I dread that time, even though it means its quitting time, it was the time that I found out you were gone. Every day, when the time nears four o'clock, the feelings of dread and sorrow begin. Today, it came, and went and I wasn't wanting to crawl into a hole somewhere and hide. I finished my responsibilities and turning off the lights, left the building for home.
 Walking in the front door has become another of those, 'don't want to', because you would always call within minutes of my getting home to ask if we had gotten any mail. You would call to ask questions. You would call to ask why I hadn't called. You would call to simply talk. These time remind me of when I quit smoking all those years back. It was all of those times when I would smoke that bothered me, like how I would light a cigarette the minute I got in the car. That is how missing those phone calls is.
 As I sat here today, I kept hearing this really loud banging. I didn't have a clue what it was and I wasn't sure I wanted to go find out. Finally though I decided that I would go out and try to clear up some of the mess up around the mail box. As I pulled those garden gloves on and picked up the clippers, I saw that the noise was coming from that old mobile home. Jason and Miles were working on dismantling the thing. Jason and Jennifer want to put a home in there. I stood and listened to their plans for a while, it sounds as if he really wants to clean that place up. I think though, that porch on the back is rotting away, Jason said that he wants to burn or bury it. I know you really wanted that for a back day honey, I hope to build that deck, even though you aren't here to enjoy it. I did finally get back up here and got a little bit of work done. I have time this weekend to do more.
 Now here I sit, typing this and even though I'm not physically smiling now, the healing that came from the smiles earlier are still here. I know that you told me that should and when, something happened to you, that you wanted me to not stop living. Since you've been gone, I've been in a very dark and sad place. I know that I have a long way to go, to find my way back to happy, but today I believe was a good first step. I think that you would approve.

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