My husband, me, Mark Miller
How often, I wonder, is this going to happen? How many times, before I can smile and walk away without feeling that soul stabbing agony?
A friend came up to me today and asked me a simple question, "Guess who I saw Saturday?" Now, I've known this person for years and we've known many of the same people over the course of those years. In my mind I was thinking that she had happened up on one of them. There was really no way I could know, so I honestly admitted it with an "I don't know". With a broad grin she told me, "Sawyer Brown". Two words. Two simple, well known, words was all it took, to try and send me to that dark place of pain. If it had been intentional, it would have. I have known this person for so long, and know that they don't have a malicious, vindictive, hurtful bone in their body. Knowing this, I was able to take a deep breath and smile. A probably somewhat crooked and not quite fully honest smile, but a smile. This person was so excited about having seen them that I don't think they noticed.. which I'm glad.
I've never made it a secret that I'm a fan of this country music band. Over the years I've gotten into some interesting conversations about the band and the guys that make up Sawyer Brown. That, I know, was the purpose of them bringing up that they had made a trip to Tennessee and while there had gone to the street festival and caught Sawyer Brown that night. They talked about the festival, the crowds and that they had enjoyed the show.
I never said a word. Oh, I commented on what they were saying. I was honestly glad that they had a good time. The pain was trying to surface though. I fought it back down. I choked back the thoughts that kept coming to mind. That was supposed to have been a show my husband and I were going to attend. I had been asked if I were coming. My husband had told me he would do his best to make sure he was off. It was only three hours away, we could do that easily. It was coming to fruition, I was just short of booking a hotel room and finding out about tickets.
Then he had to up and die on me. This is just one more thing, one more plan, one more moment that was going to be for us, only it never got to be. I know there are more.
How many more times will someone make an innocent comment, that will cause that pain?
How many more movies will I watch, the ones that he loved and watched repeatedly?
How many times will I walk into Cracker Barrel and miss his presence?
How many more times, will I hear the roar of a big rig's engine and that rumble reach so deep into my heart?
How many more times, am I going to have to go into battle, over unintentional pain?
I'm learning how to recognize the body language of others, and know what they are considering doing. Those questions of "do you need anything?" I've learned to just say no and move on. I'm learning how to be strong, when I'm surfing the channels on television and see the title of a movie. If I'm strong enough, or in the mood where I want to feel closer, I'll watch it, otherwise, I pass on by. Some things are easier to deal with than others.
I've only had one person who I would have loved to call an idiot over a comment they made, but I didn't. I just walked away. I wasn't sure if they were being mean, if they were being clueless, or if they were actually an idiot. Either way, I let it go and walked on.
Wondering, simply wondering, how many more times, will I deal with unintentional pain....
back, Jimmy Scholten, front Shelly Scholten, me and hubby.. dear friends..