Yesterday was a not good day. Scratch that, yesterday was a good day, just not a feel good day. No, that's not right either. Yesterday was a good day, there were moments that brought smiles and even cheers, but, yes, the infamous but, the sadness attacked and held on as tightly as a frightened kitten complete with claws.
Yesterday, I awoke when I should, I got ready and got to work in plenty of time without issues. The day was a day pretty much like all of the other days this week. One disaster after another, one issue, one more roadblock to maneuver around. Even with the stress, maybe thanks to the stress, I made it for the better part of the day without that overwhelming sadness striking. Maybe, it was lurking, and I just didn't see it waiting for a weak moment.
As always, that weak moment came precisely at four o'clock. When I should be relieved that the work day was over and I could now go home. Right when I should be happily gathering all of the belongings that make it appear that I am moving in or out and tired but contentedly making my way out, it strikes. Four o'clock, the time when the call came. The time when I found out. Every day now, I have to face four o'clock and get past that moment. Lately I've been able to manage pretty well. I am clinging to my faith, I am clutching tightly to the cloak of Jesus and sitting at the foot of the cross, praying near unceasing, still the moments come.
Last night, when the storm woke me, I lay listening to the thunder and the radio playing softly. Our outside dog was nervous, but not begging to come inside so I lay still, and listened. I realized something that I had been ignoring.
We will have seasons of sadness. It is those seasons that are important and should be recognized.
In 2008, when I went through my cancer battle and my husband's unemployment, I found a stronger faith. I walked the woods, I sat near the pond, I sat on the back steps, listening and growing closer. I learned how to lean on the Lord and have faith that He was with me, that He would guide and love me always. My cancer was dealt with, my husband got a new job- an amazing story in itself- and life continued. So much so, that we became comfortable. My husband had a few health scares, ending up in the hospital a couple of times, two out of the three times he was here at home. (My husband was a long haul truck driver) He would get better and he would go back to work and life was life.
Then four o'clock came and with it the call and now nothing is the same. Scratch that, there is one thing that is the same. Christ is still with me, still loving me, still guiding me, still walking the woods, sitting by the pond, waiting with me on the back steps as I sit quietly. That, is my understanding for the reasons of sadness, that we may draw closer to Jesus, that we may hand the sadness, the sorrow, the pain to Him. He will take our burdens, when we give them up and not carry them as an albatross around our neck. That we understand, His love waits, He doesn't want us to bear the burden alone.
As I travel this road to our new normal, I'm going to deal with moments of joy, moments of gladness, of comfort. I'm also going to have to face the not so good moments, such as yesterday. I'm going to have to remember, He is waiting for me to come to Him, to hand over the burdens and sadness and allow Him to comfort me. Through His word, through the words of friends, through the songs on the radio. He doesn't want me to wallow in the sadness, suffering in the pain, He wants me to draw closer to Him, and He will strengthen me and give me peace.