Sunday, May 21, 2017

Fighting with myself

There are those days when I start working and push until there is nothing left to push with. Yesterday was one of those days. I woke up determined that I was going to clean up a certain section of my yard. I have a rather large front yard, half of it is under some form of control, but not this section. This one section had been neglected for a while and that fact was obvious, Wisteria vines are covering nearly everything. The powers that be have repeatedly reported that snakes are bad this year, worse than years past. I have heard some say that is due to a very mild winter.  What ever the reason, the neighbors have a young child and I needed to get this section cleared to rid the snakes of one place to hide so close to the road.
So I down one cup of coffee, grab my gloves and sheers and head up the driveway. I had began working on the mess a few days before but after working all day simply did not have the energy to accomplish much. Today, with a determined heart, I began. Starting on one corner I worked my way in. I do have other flowers and wildflowers have sprung up, I didn't want to hurt them if I could prevent it, but I had to clear the vines as best as possible. In a short time I had a small pile of vines and saplings in the middle of my drive. I moved down to the other side of the large Oak that grows near my drive and began again. It didn't take long that I had yet another big pile of vines and debris.
 The morning was heating up quickly so I went inside and prepared a large glass of iced green tea and carried it back outside. I knew the way I was sweating, dehydration was a threat. I knew that my son would be coming in for lunch soon so I began dragging the piles of vines and other cuttings across the yard and down the hillside. As I was doing this the mail ran. I won't deny that I was hoping for some sign of an insurance check but it was only a salespaper and the insurance forms that had been changed due to my informing them of my husband's passing. James came in moments after and saw the remaining pile of vines and asked what I was doing. I could have given him a sarcastic response, but didn't. I simply explained and went back to work as he went inside to eat and prepare to go to the race.
 I stopped several times to rest and cool down. I kept that glass filled, but I kept at it. I managed to get a lot of the vines cleared away and even raked and removed the leaves from a large portion of what I was trying to clear.
 After a break, I went to get something to prepare for my dinner and ended up buying a few other things. Some needed, like the stuff to repair the pipes under bathroom sink, which are leaking, a large garbage can and a few things to make a wreath for the front door. I spent more than I planned but I'm still learning that budget thing that I had not had to worry about for a while.
 Once I got back home, I started a load of laundry, then went to do what I had told my son I would. He had backed the pick up to the carport and I went out and began loading the trash into the bed. It wasn't easy, in fact, there was quite the (amusing later) struggle of getting those large garbage cans onto that truck bed. After I got them in the bed, I began picking up the stuff that had either fallen out or been dragged out by the critters. By the time I finished, that truck was full.
 How does all this mean I am fighting with myself?
 I'm pushing myself to clear away the weeds of self pity, of sinking into the loneliness that many who have lost loved ones face. I am clearing away the debris of I can't do this. the debris of, how much more will I have to face, how many more things can and or will go wrong?  Why, does it seem like I'm suddenly here all by myself and everyone else has gone back to their life, leaving me here to deal with this alone?
 I'm methodically leaving  all the rubbish of that thinking at the cross. I'm clearing away the piles of hopelessness, the sadness, the feelings of loneliness, the emotions that threaten to take away my hope, that seek to destroy my trust. I'm clearing the envy, the jealously that others can go about their life, they have their loved ones, they have everything and everyone they had before. I'm clearing away the envy of trips and vacations and time simply spent with family and friends and reaching up to the One who has me. I'm reaching up, praying hard that this too shall pass and that I'll see, at the end of all my efforts that God has been here all along. That He has never left nor abandoned me and that His plan will be accomplished.
 And I won't have to push myself, as His yolk is light.

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