I've done more than my share of moaning and groaning here lately. It seems that most of my writing has been sad. Okay so yes, I do have a reason. I wonder though, if I'm allowing myself to sink too deeply into the murky waters of depression. What kind of message does that send? That I don't believe that my God is capable of taking care of me? I hope not. Especially since if I were to really pay attention, I would hear the messages He has been sending me.
Before my husband died, I found and began listening to a faith based radio station. I enjoyed listening to it then, I really like it now. Every week day morning right at 5am, they have a short program by Dr. Charles Stanley. It runs right at thirty minutes. I'm usually getting ready for work so I have not been fully focusing on what is being said. I would hear enough to get the gist of what he is talking about and took that to be enough.
Then, in the last couple of days, I began to notice how his topics hit very close, too close, okay, they hit right here deep in my heart. It was as if he were speaking directly to me. I'm going to need to visit the web site and find out how to either view or listen to past messages. I want to hear them again and pay more attention to what he is saying.
I want to hear his explanation of God's plan for us, for me. Even though right now seems to be so very difficult, there is a plan. He has a plan, a purpose for my life. Have I asked Him, meaning God, what that is? Have I asked Him, to guide my life, and am I listening to what He is saying to me?
I do believe that He is, and I believe that I am hearing at least part of it, even as I need to pay attention and listen more closely. Recently I was considering making a change dealing with my finances. I wasn't sure that it was the best choice, the best idea, but it seemed to be the only way to take care of a need. As I was in the process of exploring this change, I had the overwhelming feeling that this was not the way I needed to go. I found a way to extricate myself from the conversation and left the building. I was still though at a loss as to how to handle this need. I've tossed some of my ideas out, in the hope of getting good council from others, but nothing seemed to be the right answer.
Then, I began praying more diligently about this particular issue. I began to ask others if they would pray for me, for wisdom and discernment, in this issue. Remembering, where two or more are gathered in My name, there I am also" I think that we can be gathered together when we pray of the same request, even if we are scattered all across the world. He will hear our prayers and requests, our petitions for others, when we pray in once voice. Now, I am listening for Him, listening for His leading, waiting, for His directions in this. I will, when His time is right, know He has spoken and I will find out His will in this need.
I want to go back and listen to Dr. Stanley's explanation for God's peace in our life.
I know, how I know, that I am in need of this peace. I know, that in the middle of this darkness, He is here, He has not abandoned me in this. I simply need to slow down, stop trying to do everything myself, running headlong into what's ahead. Running without direction, running without a clear idea of where I'm going. I need to slow down and listen. I need to slow down and wait on God, wait on His leading. I need to know that He is waiting for me to come to Him with all of the sadness, with all of the worries, with all of the concerns. I need to remember, that He is waiting to ease my burden or give me the strength to endure.
I only heard enough to know, that I need to go back and listen again. I need to go back and get a better understanding of the message that I was meant to hear, that was meant to encourage me, to assist, to comfort me in this time.
I only need to be quiet, and listen, wait on Him to show me, His plan for me, even in this storm.