It seems to be a regular occurrence now that some one, or some thing sets off the emotional roller coaster that I am currently on and I wonder when and how I will ever get off this crazy ride. In the mean time, how am I going to handle this, so that when the storm breaks, and the sun is bright again, I can look around and see that I still have friends? Between the hair trigger emotional highs, lows and incredible hulk crazy, I know people are giving me a lot of space. Who really wants to be the recipient of any of that mess anyway?
The one constant thing that I have discovered, is that nothing is constant. What can cause one emotion this time, will cause a totally different emotion the next. There needs to be a road map or instruction book or something to help guide me through this labyrinth of emotions. I need to know how to spot the directional signs and understand them well enough that I can find my way from emotional to calm.
Something happened this morning that made me angry, very angry. I turned and walked away muttering to myself. My words were nothing that I wouldn't have said out loud in front of my mother, my son, or my preacher, but I wasn't happy that I was that angry. I have stated repeatedly that anger is a wasted emotion. So how to battle this? The first thing that came to mind was to take a few deep breaths and find something physical to busy myself with. That last part was not difficult as I was at work and there is always something physical that needs to be done. I busied myself, doing the same moves over and over until the project I had given myself was completed. As I worked, I felt the anger worked out. By the time I was done, my arms and legs ached, I was soaked in sweat, my head was beginning to throb, but the flash fire anger had eased. I knew that I could now talk with others without fearing that I would speak sarcastically or angrily, possibly saying something that would anger or hurt the feelings of others, as mine had been hurt not that long before.
Something happened yesterday that mad me sad and envious but mostly sad. Someone had gone on a trip that my husband and I had planned. Now this person had no way of knowing that, but still, when I was approached with a "guess who I saw, Saturday?" and when the answer was the artist that we had planned on seeing, the memories and sadness swamped my boat. I tried to smile, I tried to continue the conversation, I tried, but failed, I do believe. I failed, because I allowed a moment to control me, instead of me controlling the emotional moment. I know, that it is impossible to control everything. I am human with human weakness and failings. But I can try to control my reactions to situations. I said nothing to the person about the plans my husband and I had discussed, I listened to her description of the time she had, and was glad she enjoyed her trip. I came home and tried to divert my emotions by grabbing my camera and finding flowers to photograph. One after another, all across the yard and back again as I felt the sadness dissipate.
Some days, social media is a nightmare I need to stay away from. Those days when the loneliness is thick and heavy around my heart. Those days when I'm feeling as if I am in a dark hole and no one will ever find me there, lost and alone. There are the days when photo after photo after video of family and good times are being shared and I miss my husband so badly because we can't ever do that again. The days when I see the shared adventures that others are having, the day trips, the vacations, the trips across town to a favorite restaurant stab at my heart like a serrated blade gone dull, and withdrawn allowing me to bleed out. Blood and tears creating a river of sadness. Those days I try to take a step away from any social media and find alternative entertainment. I find a book to read, I try and watch television, I go to the porch, I wander about the yard. Anything to get away from the joy of others and stop the tears from falling. (A note; I do not begrudge anyone having a good time. I do not begrudge their sharing. On the good days I enjoy seeing them as much as anyone)
Some nights, it seems as if I am not ever going to sleep normally again. I will finally drift off to sleep only to come to the realization that I'm lying there wide awake, listening to the sound of the radio or the rain or the barking dog, but not sleeping. I believe that there is so much going on that my brain can't slow down and that causes me to awaken so often during the night. I don't get up, I whisper another prayer, I stretch, I turn over, I snuggle down, I allow my mind to wander off on a relaxing adventure until I finally drift away again. I have curtailed the amount of coffee I drink late at night. I often take long soaks in a hot tub with epson salt and lavender. I have the ceiling fan going and windows open to keep the room cool. I don't know how to calm my brain, but I'm trying.
I know, that I am always going to face those moments when the unintentional hurt will happen. There will be a word, a memory, a thought, when the pain will return. We were married just over 32 years. A lot of memories were made during that time. A lot of plans were in the works for retirement. A lot of dreams.. now shattered. But, through prayer, faith, and friends, I know the ride will smooth, some day.