I've made no secret of how I've been working myself into the ground trying to stay busy. My thoughts were, if I'm busy, the memories and the missing my husband won't overwhelm me. It hasn't stopped me from thinking about him, but not so much that I can't function.
When I shoved back the covers and rose this morning I debated on what I would try and accomplish today. I even posted that debate on social media, as if trying to make up my mind or seeking help in doing so. As I said, if I worked outside or if I worked in here, both would result in an accomplishment. I would have a cleaner flower garden or I would have a cleaner house. The house I can do any time, the flower garden I wanted to work on while it was still cool enough and yet bright enough that I could see if anything moved among the weeds. Some of those weeds had, thanks to the rains, grown higher than my head, and I'm just over five foot eight. The flower bed weeding won out.
I gathered my gloves, the clippers and the wheel barrel and headed to the first bed. The last one I had created had very little that needed to be removed so it was taken care of rather quickly. Looking at the one beside of it, I realized I had a couple of problems. Early n the spring I had sown some mixed flower seeds that my husband had purchased for me. I was not fully sure that among what was growing, which were flowers and which were weeds. The ones that were blooming were obvious. Those that were about to bloom, were obvious. Some of the weeds I recognized, the rest I had a fifty-fifty chance at what they were. It had rained again last night so with that and all of the recent rains the ground was very soft and all removals had to be done carefully. If not, I was going to pull it all up no matter what it was. Carefully removing what was obvious and what was a probably I moved on to the next bed.
This is a smaller bed that has a light pole with a light that no longer works thanks to not warning the people who were installing our new well years ago. They cut the wires in half and were (understandably) very unhappy when they realized. I had honestly forgotten and my husband didn't think about it, until after the fact. We never repaired or replaced the wiring so now its just a decorative pole with instead of a light a light shaped bird house. I also do have solar lights running up the pole so it isn't wasted. Being a smaller bed it didn't take long at all to clean and then on I went. Right beside this bed was the one almost the same size that was around my birdbath. I had tried to plant flowers that bloomed at different times of the seasons but right now I have - had, mostly weeds. I cleared it up as best that I could and not damage the few flowers that were growing.
The bed that I dreaded was next. That thing is long and of medium width. It was also a horrendous mess. The flowers that were attempting to grow and bloom were being choked out. Slowly and methodically I moved down the bed. Last year I had pulled up a lily not realizing what it was until I was holding it in my hand. This time I was more careful. I had filled up the wheel barrel so I pushed it down across the yard, behind the house and dumped the pulled weeds into the woods. Bella had followed me and was acting as if she wanted to check out a few of the scents she was picking up in the area but she listened when I called her. I feared that something would jump and run and she would be after it in a heartbeat. Back in the yard I was back at the beds and back at work. I was pouring sweat and fogging up the safety glasses I was trying to wear. I quickly filled up the wheel barrel once again. By now the day had heated up well beyond the tolerable temperature. I had stopped at one point and went into the house for a glass of sweet green tea. I removed my gloves, placed them along with the clippers on top of the load in the wheel barrel and went and sat down in one of my chairs.
Just as quickly as I sat down, the memories began. I had purchased that table and chairs and moved that huge swing up to the garden area for a place for my husband and I to sit and enjoy the day. Everything was under these two huge Oak trees, so even though a mere couple of feet away the sun beat down southern, summer hot, under the trees, in the shade it was comfortable. The flowers and shrubbery that grew along the fence providing a sense of privacy even though they haven't grown as well as I wished. I know it is because they probably don't get the amount of sun that would be best, but they still grow and that is all that matters.
As I sat there, I watched two butterfly dance around the flowers at the far end of my garden area. My husband knew that it was my wish and deep desire to create a habitat for the bees and the butterfly. I usually only purchase perennials and especially those that list that they attract butterfly and hummingbirds. This year I've had several friends with very generous hearts who have given me flowers, provided seeds, or told me that yes, I could dig up some flowers from their parent's yard. I even dug some up from an area my brother's son in law is clearing. I'm trying, it is only a matter of finding the right ones that will grow in the sun, shade combination that is my yard. No matter what I asked for though, my husband would buy them for me. He loved me and accepted that I was going to keep trying to get this to work, just as I keep working on my vegetable garden. Its small, it will never produce like a larger garden. I may never have enough to can, but I have enough to share and enjoy. All of these memories flooded my mind, over flowing into my heart. I sat there, listening to the sound of neighbors as they moved about, as they enjoyed the morning sitting on their front porch, even though I couldn't hear what they were saying, and didn't want to, I could hear the contentment, the peace, the enjoyment of each other. Directly in front of me, one of the neighbors loaded up their family into their vehicle and the sound of young giggles drifted in the air behind the vehicle as they left. It wasn't long before the neighbors beside of them came out. Their child talking animatedly to mom as they stepped out onto the porch. Before long they too had pulled away. Quiet again reigned. Quiet that allowed the memories.
As I felt the strongest sadness approaching I heard a noise. Turning to look behind me I saw the hummingbird. It approached the feeder that was on the shepherd's hook stuck up in the midst of that flower bed. Both feeders were empty. Hungry, it went away after a few moments, disappointed and still hungry. Shaken from my melancholy and disappointed in myself that I had allowed the feeders to become empty, I got up and went into the house. Quickly I gathered what I would need and began to prepare a new batch of homemade nectar for the hummingbirds. I have four small feeders in the hanging baskets on my front porch and the two in the garden, all of them, were empty. I measured the sugar and water pouring it into a large pot and brought it to a boil. Once all of the sugar was dissolved I sat the pot off the burner waiting for it to cool well.
While the food for the hummingbird cooled, I began doing inside work. Stripping the bed to wash the sheets, separating colors from jeans to go in the next loads. I loaded and ran the dishwasher. I ate, I scrolled through social media and news sites. I was busy, I was accomplishing things and I was distracted once again from what threatens to bring me down, what haunts me when I'm not looking. What I, with the grace of God, am working my way through. I believe, that little hummingbird was sent, just so that I would not fall into a depressed state and not enjoy the day I have been given. I'm busy, I'm sore and tired, what I'm not, is incapacitated by the sadness and missing of my husband.
The hummingbird feeders are all washed, filled and back in place. I have clean sheets to put back on my bed, I have a better attitude and better mood. I have a gracious and loving God and a small hummingbird to thank.