Friday, July 7, 2017

So Difficult; Not So Difficult Day

                  I know, that I am not the only person to go through the loss of a loved one. I know, that others have dealt with more difficulties than I have or probably will.  Nothing that I have or will write, is meant to be a cry for sympathy or attention. This is merely my way of journaling this adventure and how I handle the challenges along the way. Today (July 7, 2017), was one of the days that I feared would be difficult, but turned out in the end, to be not so difficult after all.
                I didn't sleep much last night. While there wasn't anything consciously waking me, I knew that was playing on my mind was that today, is four months since my husband passed away.  I wondered today, how long will I be marking the time in minutes, days, months? How long, will I still be waiting on a phone call or to hear that big truck pulling down the road?  I was concerned about not sleeping because I really had a lot that I needed to do today. Things that I had been putting off for too long.
                   I was well over due for my annual physical. I made the call earlier this week and by a great miracle, was able to schedule one for today. With it being summer in the south, it is not unusual for there to be summer storms. We've had storms for the past few afternoons, thankfully here, we dealt with the edges of them, a local town, however was hammered badly. The local town, is where my doctor's office is located. While some people and businesses did not have power, the doctor's office did, they did not however, have internet service. I was given the option of waiting, or going home and let them call me. I honestly told them that if I went home, then I would eat and that would mean starting all over again, so I would wait. I picked out a comfy looking chair and prepared to wait. After I had sat there approximately thirty minutes they gave in and decided to do the physical without the internet. That meant trying to remember all of the most important questions that are usually asked. That meant for me trying to honestly answer questions about grieving my husband. I had to answer questions such as did I feel that I had let people or myself down? Did I feel that the world would be better with out me? Did I have a hard time doing the things I once loved? I answered as honestly as I could, even when I didn't want to answer. After all of the poking and prodding and having blood drawn I was ready for the entire thing to be over. I was relieved that they were professional and able to get everything done even without the internet access.  After the physical, I headed for home and to get the things I needed for the next leg of my journey.
                   Getting home I gathered up the paperwork for my next two stops. The first, to get the renewal sticker for my car tag. The first warning that things were not going to go well was the signs blocking the escalator. Finding the elevator I, along with several others, waited for its arrival. Piling in we prepared for the short trip up. Crossing the room to the DMV office I saw that the room, was full with a line outside the door. I was going to be here a while. That while turned out to be just over an hour. It could have been worse, the room never emptied and those who had title work to do had a much longer wait time.
                    I left there and went to the cemetery. I parked, got out of the car and saw on the what I thought was the office door, a sign saying the office was across the street. Back in the car I headed over there. I wanted to find out what I needed to do, so I could sell the two grave plots that I would not be using. I managed to get across the road easier than I thought I would considering how busy that stretch of roadway tends to be. I spoke with the receptionist, who called and got a gentleman to come up front and explain what I needed to do. I needed to find a buyer, then call and set up an appointment. Once there, the changing of the lands would take place. There is a charge for transferring the deed to someone else, I had no idea that it was as much as it is, but then, I have no idea what all is involved in the process. After speaking with him and getting his business card I headed home. This day was tiring me out more than the days I had spent doing all of the physical stuff. I'm just not good at discussing this sort of things. I'm getting better though. Trial by fire and all that.
                        Pulling in my drive I was ready for a cup of coffee and a rest. I still had things I needed to do, but the day wasn't over yet. I needed to rest my over worked brain.
                          I know, that all of this is a whole new life for me. I'm having to do things that I did not do before, talk with people, plan, handle, battle, with people and computers and try to accomplish the needed tasks. I have to do things, that ordinarily I would have run from. The only way, that I am able to do these things, is because I know, that I am not alone as I travel. I know, in my heart of hearts, that the Lord is with me, He alone is guiding my way, helping me to know the words, to understand what is needed and to have the strength, to continue, when otherwise, I would have gladly given up and crawled into a dark corner hoping it all took care of itself. That knowledge, has taken what would have been so difficult, and made it not so difficult after all. That, is how I made it through this day, not breaking down, not suffering the sadness that always lurks, not trying to drown my sorrows in chocolate, but going forward and doing what I needed to do and doing it as well as I possibly could.
   Today is over, the crickets are singing, thunder is rumbling in the distance and the cool evening air is drifting in through the windows. I made it through another, not so difficult  day.

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