Right after my birthday last year, I began writing a near daily count down to 60 blog. I haven't added to that thread of thought for quite some time. Everything obviously got a bit side railed. I really had big plans for that day. Big thoughts and hopes floated about in my head, simply because that is considered a milestone birthday. Now, I'm not so sure I even want to acknowledge it. How can I celebrate that day, without the one who I had hoped to share it with?
I'm not really feeling sorry for myself, I'm still trying to find my way in a new normal that I didn't ask for, didn't want, and don't like. I don't care how many times I was angry with my husband, how many times he frustrated me or annoyed me, he was still my husband and I still loved him. Being human, we all have our own failings and quirks that could annoy others. Sometimes we do it deliberately, sometimes accidentally. My husband was no different, I am no different. There were things that I did and do, that would drive him crazy. And yes, sometimes I did them on purpose. Nothing that would get anyone hurt, usually it was driving a route that he didn't understand.
I've spent the last four months writing about his loss and didn't realize that my birthday is just weeks away. In August, I will turn the biological clock up another notch as I reach 60. After some of the stuff I have dealt with, I'm still a tad surprised I've got this far, but I have. Now I have to figure out how to get through the fast approaching day without falling apart. I believe, that day will be one of the most difficult to face so far. We made it through Easter, Memorial Day, his birthday, Father's Day, Independence Day and the week that I have had off from work. I've stayed busy, I've gotten things accomplished, I've managed to do things that I never thought I would be able to and yet I did. Someone said that grief shows us how strong we can be. I agree.
Still yet, there is my birthday. I was hoping for a big shebang with family. I was hoping for silly signs and age related jokes. I was hoping that he would pull something embarrassing and yet loving. All of that, depended on him being here, and he isn't.
I have put some thought into it, and no, I'm not giving myself a party. I'm going to work on my flower garden area and turn it not only into a wildlife sanctuary for the bees and butterfly, but also into a memorial garden of remembrance for him. I'm not sure the stores are still selling much in the way of plants, but I can check and see if there is anything that will be good for butterfly, bees and hummingbird. I can only do a little at a time, but that's fine. He isn't here to complain about time now. I have already been called.. in good natured teasing, a flower hoarder, they haven't seen anything yet. It may take a long time to get it done the way I would like, but I will get it done. I want nearly that entire area filled with plants, flowers, shrubbery that will benefit our pollinators. I want to have a rock path through the garden, past the flowers, the light post, the statue and over to where the table, chairs and swing await. I want it to be filled with so much color that a rainbow will be proud. I hope to have so much that the leprechaun in lucky charms would be envious and looking for a place to dance. I want, if my husband is looking down on us, watching us, that he would see this garden and think, "Wow, that's for me?"
So, if anyone has flowers that they would consider donating.. and no, I'm not asking for more from those dear, kindhearted, generous people who have already given much to add to my gardens. But if there is anyone else with something that they are wanting to get rid of, I don't turn down flowers- ever.
My birthday is coming up. I will be facing it without the love of my life. But, face it I will. Get through it, I will. Miss him? Most definitely. Love him? Always.