Right after my birthday last year, I began writing a near daily count
down to 60 blog. I haven't added to that thread of thought for quite
some time. Everything obviously got a bit side railed. I really had big
plans for that day. Big thoughts and hopes
floated about in my head, simply because that is considered a milestone
birthday. Now, I'm not so sure I even want to acknowledge it. How can I
celebrate that day, without the one who I had hoped to share it with?
I'm not really feeling sorry for myself, I'm still trying to find my
way in a new normal that I didn't ask for, didn't want, and don't like. I
don't care how many times I was angry with my husband, how many times
he frustrated me or annoyed me, he was still my husband and I still
loved him. Being human, we all have our own failings and quirks that
could annoy others. Sometimes we do it deliberately, sometimes
accidentally. My husband was no different, I am no different. There were
things that I did and do, that would drive him crazy. And yes,
sometimes I did them on purpose. Nothing that would get anyone hurt,
usually it was driving a route that he didn't understand.
I've spent the last four months writing about his loss and didn't
realize that my birthday is just weeks away. In August, I will turn the
biological clock up another notch as I reach 60. After some of the stuff
I have dealt with, I'm still a tad surprised I've got this far, but I
have. Now I have to figure out how to get through the fast approaching
day without falling apart. I believe, that day will be one of the most
difficult to face so far. We made it through Easter, Memorial Day, his
birthday, Father's Day, Independence Day and the week that I have had
off from work. I've stayed busy, I've gotten things accomplished, I've
managed to do things that I never thought I would be able to and yet I
did. Someone said that grief shows us how strong we can be. I agree.
Still yet, there is my birthday. I was hoping for a big shebang with
family. I was hoping for silly signs and age related jokes. I was hoping
that he would pull something embarrassing and yet loving. All of that,
depended on him being here, and he isn't.
I have put some thought into it, and no, I'm not giving myself a party.
I'm going to work on my flower garden area and turn it not only into a
wildlife sanctuary for the bees and butterfly, but also into a memorial
garden of remembrance for him. I'm not sure the stores are still selling
much in the way of plants, but I can check and see if there is anything
that will be good for butterfly, bees and hummingbird. I can only do a
little at a time, but that's fine. He isn't here to complain about time
now. I have already been called.. in good natured teasing, a flower
hoarder, they haven't seen anything yet. It may take a long time to get
it done the way I would like, but I will get it done. I want nearly that
entire area filled with plants, flowers, shrubbery that will benefit
our pollinators. I want to have a rock path through the garden, past the
flowers, the light post, the statue and over to where the table, chairs
and swing await. I want it to be filled with so much color that a
rainbow will be proud. I hope to have so much that the leprechaun in
lucky charms would be envious and looking for a place to dance. I want,
if my husband is looking down on us, watching us, that he would see this
garden and think, "Wow, that's for me?"
So, if anyone has flowers that they would consider donating.. and no,
I'm not asking for more from those dear, kindhearted, generous people
who have already given much to add to my gardens. But if there is anyone
else with something that they are wanting to get rid of, I don't turn
down flowers- ever.
My birthday is coming up. I will be facing it without the love of my
life. But, face it I will. Get through it, I will. Miss him? Most
definitely. Love him? Always.
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