My story- when my storm blew pink

                                       me-right after I completed my radiation treatments in 2008


I had decided that I would not share my cancer story again this year. My thoughts were that I had told it every year from the very beginning. Every one had heard or read it. But then I realized that I am on different 'social' sites now and I have new friends that have not heard my story. I do not share this as a means to get sympathy, I don't want it, or actually need it. My cancer is gone- has been gone, and I'm doing fine. My story is one not unlike so many others- except for the fact that it is my story. My life, my battle.. only..I knew from the very beginning, that in this battle I was not alone. And I knew, that no matter what happened, how it turned out, I'd be fine.






I went for a physical right after my fiftieth birthday. As important as they are, I honestly dislike getting a physical. They are uncomfortable, embarrassing and your imagination can only take you so far away from what is going on. But I digress. On this particular visit my doctor decided that it was time I had a mammogram. In the past he had said that the density of the breast tissues were such that he didn't think I needed one yet, but now it was time. I shrugged and agreed for them to set up the appointment. I was not in the least concerned as there was no history of breast cancer in my family. No history no worries right? Wrong.



I went for my first mammogram not really knowing what to expect other than the fact I was going to be very uncomfortably mashed. The people there were very nice, very helpful. After all was said and done I was told that being this was my first mammogram and that they had nothing to compare to that I might be called back for more images and if that happened not to worry. I smiled, said okay and returned to the dressing room. Leaving I waved and headed for home. When the letter came saying they needed to take more images I wasn't worried. I had been told this might happen. So here it was the day after Christmas, everyone else was headed for the stores and mom and I were sitting in somewhat uncomfortable chairs waiting my turn to go back for more mangling. Afterwards we would hit the stores.



When my name was called I left my coat and purse with mom and followed the person who had called me. Stepping into the designated dressing room I got ready. When I was called again I followed the next person to 'the Mangler'. I was all nonchalant about it until I realized she was just doing one side. Over and over again. I was asked a couple of times to wait while she took the images to the doctor. I was then told that I could get dressed but that they wanted to do an ultrasound. I was beginning to get just a tad bit nervous.



Once I was dressed I was lead back to the waiting area. The lady leading the way was chatting away about silly things. She was actually babbling and that did not help my nerves that were beginning to get on edge. I told mom what they wanted and she got the deer in the headlights look. We didn't have long to wait before my name was called again. I guess that going the day when everyone else was out shopping helped in that aspect. Lead off in a different direction I followed the leader into a room where I was told to get undressed from the waist up, put on a lovely paper vest and wait. It was really, really cold in that room. Thankfully I didn't have to wait too terribly long before the technician came in and began the tests. I had no clue what I was looking at but they obviously did. She kept going back to the same area over and over again. Something, that I was sure I didn't want, was there. Of course they weren't going to tell me anything, that was going to be left to my doctor.



After the tests were completed and I was dressed I was told I would be hearing something soon. Mom and I left, but I wasn't too much in the mood for shopping now and neither was she. We did try, but we gave up quickly and went home. All I could do now was wait.
 
to be continued......

In Your Hands

In Your hands, You hold me

I am Yours, sweet Lord, I am Yours

You have drawn me from the darkness

into Your loving light

You wash me with Your peace

You cleanse me with Your love

once burdened with the pain

laden with the guilt, of the things I have done

now forgiven, fully forgiven

my soul, filled with Your Spirit, sings

joyous songs of praise

shout Hallelujah for You are Lord

I fear no more, I worry no more

for I know, safe in Your loving I remain

secure in Your hands, always

nothing can draw me away, nothing can steal me

from Your hold

You are the Good shepherd

and I unashamed, Your sheep

I hear Your voice and I follow You

knowing You will keep me safe

You are the Way, the only Way

to eternity with the Father

I trust in You, I follow You

for I know, You are Lord

You open Your arms to all who believe

You wash in loving, bless Your children with peace

safe always in You

for nothing can pull us away from You

You hold tight to those that are Yours

washed in mercy, cleansed in peace

held in grace

You are Lord, I will fear no more

biking down memory lane

Its funny sometimes what triggers memories. When the memories are good ones, especially the nostalgic ones of those by gone days of childhood its even better.




Growing up my mother took my grandmother 'to town' on Saturdays. It was their day. Now I'm taking my mother on shopping trips and these are our times. We went out for a while today, both of us needing a few things, but mostly needing a few minutes away. We ended up at one of the places we always seem to find ourselves. After strolling around picking up a couple of things we found ourselves in the area that was gradually transferring back to the garden center. As we wandered up and down the aisles we glanced at the clearance items and talked about the new colors for cushions for outdoor furniture. It was as I turned away from the cushions that I first noticed it. Propped up by its kickstand- the bicycle from my childhood. A soft green frame with cream colored fenders it had the handlebars that came up and out. Handlebars with no brake or gear levers. It has one speedsetter- the power of the rider. It was a sight to behold. Mom simply stood and watched as I approached the bike and couldn't help myself. I had to get on that bike. When I did, so many memories came flooding back.



Graduating from a tricycle to a bicycle with training wheels. Nervous as the bigger bike wobbled as I adjusted to the new size and different style of riding. Then, moving up once again to a two-wheeler as the training wheels were removed. Once I learned balance nothing could stop me. There is a special sense of freedom when you are young and riding a bike. It is your first real taste of mobility. To be able to ride at those amazing speeds. to lift your hands from the handlebars and feel daring and brave. To turn that bike into what ever form of transportation the mind and imagination allowed. To feel the wind blowing against your face and through your hair was something incredibly special. After the rains to ride with legs extended (or not) through the puddles, creating a spray of water in every direction and mud splatters all the way up your legs. We rode without helmets or protective padding of any sort. Many times we rode without shoes- the days of youth, innocence and fun. The Dirt Road was our race track, our route to the untamed west, it was a parade route and the road simply from here to there. We would even from time to time ride our bikes on Dare Devil Hill, but being that they still had brakes we usually saved them for the road.



We did as any other kid with a bike did. We decorated them with streamers and playing cards and what ever other decoration fit our mood at the moment. We pulled wagons, we paraded, we traveled the Dirt Road and all of the paths that we could maneuver on. We put hundreds of miles on those bikes. All of those years ago.



Sitting there on that bike I longed to recapture that, or at least a part of it. I wanted to be able to ride, simply ride without the frustration of trying to figure out which gear worked best at going up this slight hill and which worked best at stopping and which brake lever worked which brake. I want simplicity. I wanted, the good ole days, or at least the semblance of those days that this bike could bring.



I didn't buy the bike. Sadly like many others with budgets and concerns of the responsibilities that come with being an adult in this day and time, had me getting off the bike and walking away. For a few minutes it was fun looking back and dreaming. Who knows, if its meant to be, I will have that bike and the chance to relive just a few of those memories from way back when...

once upon a time

Where have you gone?

You know, that I loved you

love you still

have we had our once upon a time

that fairy tale life and love

where laughter was abundant

the touches were tender

when you would look into my eyes

and I could see your heart

where have you gone

your body is still here

you walk and move; you breathe

but you are a shell of who you were

once upon a time

life and struggles have changed you

changed us, from the people we were

once

laughter now is rare, you never smile

where is the tenderness, where is the love

in your eyes is frustration at things that are

in your heart is anger, because of what

has come to be, that you cannot change

these fires could make us stronger

forge us into the steel of a strong love

these storms could make us better

understanding how we must endure the rains

to see the rainbow

where have you gone

will you ever return

will we ever again have what we did

once upon a time?

music of the rain

Listening to the rain falling

drumming on what ever rests

in its trajectory path

steadily falling on the roof

running down, to drop

onto what waits below

an old flowerpot upended

leaves left scattered on the ground

the dog's dish, slowly filling

each with individual sound

of the drumming of the rain

falling down

the sky a soft curtain of grey

muting the landscape

a soft down blanket

shedding its tears

refreshing the land

puddles filled, each new drop

the next character in a water ballet

dancing along the top of puddles and ponds

listening to the rain falling

outside my window

cocooned inside, sitting in the bright light

wrapped in the warmth of the fire

resting in the peace

drifting to the sounds, of the music,

of the rain

drumming, strumming

falling

down..

my walk, and the reasons of my heart

as water passes over the stones smoothng away the rough edges, so does the trials of this life wash over us, smoothing the edges, changing us into the smooth diamond we are meant to be.







Following are some status posts a few friends of mine made today on facebook: (After these I will explain why I included them here..

Kim Iverson
‎"Christmas is not a time or a season but a state of mind. To cherish peace and good will, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. If we think on these things, there will be born in us a Savior and over us will shine a star sending its gleam of hope to the world."- Calvin Coolidge,was the 30th President of the United States.

Lynne Tyner Melby

There's a time for crying and mourning what's been lost. But today is not that day. This is a day to celebrate what's been found. As the angel told the shepherds on the day that Jesus was born:

"Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger” (Luke 2:10-12).

Christopher Mitchell

Happy birthday to a radical, nonviolent, anti-death penalty, anti-public prayer, never anti-gay, non-English-speaking, long-haired, brown-skinned, homeless, socialist, middle-eastern Jew. Merry Christmas, everybody!!

Pastor Mark Leonard
Jesus did not stay a baby!
Jesus did not come to show us the Way, He is The Way!
Jesus did not come to show us the Truth, He is The Truth!
Jesus did not come to show us the Life, He is The Life!
Jesus is the Greatest Gift! Merry Christmas my friend Something Good Is Going To Happen!!!

Taina Like China

Grace, mercy, and peace, which come from God the Father and from Jesus Christ - the Son of the Father - will continue to be with us who live in truth and love.--2 John 1:3

This morning I posted the following status:

"Good Christmas morning all-for those who believe--as a part of the family we celebrate Christ's birth. We sing to the King our praise and thanks for the gift, the greatest gift of His birth. The reason that He came as a child of lowly birth, for us the common sinner. We celebrate, and we remember. May this day be a day of joy, of peace, of good will. May you see in those around you the remembrance of the reason of and for the season. May you each and all in all things be blessed."

and was called on it:

"And merry Christmas to all those who don't believe because its a special time for a lot of families during kwanza, Hanukah, and people who just have a holiday to spend with family. Right? Especially since Jesus was born in May, and the Romans used the winter solstice for the holiday to get the Pagans to buy in who had been celebrating the 21st to the 25th for a thousand years or more, and the Jews who had been celebrating this time as well.

I think that all people not just Christians deserve the love today don't you?"

to which I responded:

"...you are correct in that my post sounds exclusive and I apologize as I did not mean for it to be. My only excuse-- which is no excuse-- was that I ended it quickly for a phone call. So may I amend it now, may this day be one of joy, peace and good will to all for all. May you find multiple reasons for joy, song and love. May you day be one of color, song and great wonders of peace, mercy and love. May this day and all days to come be blessed. for one and all--"

I am deliberately leaving out the name of the one who questioned my status because it isn't important.

It was the following response that has me writing this:

"Rebecca, you're an angel, always will be to me. I just thought you may be blatantly Christian."

My dictionary, Webster's New World College Dictionary- fourth edition (yeah, a real hardbacked book)- defines blatant this way: adj.coined by Edmund Spenser,1. disagreeably loud or boisterous; clamorous 2. glaringly conspicuous or obtrusive .

No, I am in no way trying to pick an argument with the one who made the comments above. I am simply going to make an attempt to explain where I stand and how I feel. Why I say the things I say, things that are from a heart healed, a life of sins forgiven, a life where my hope is placed solely in the hands of my Lord and Savior.

I remember when I was growing up and would be allowed to accompany my mother and grandmother on the Saturday shopping trips 'downtown' there was almost always a street preacher on the corner holding up a Bible and shouting about how you had to be ready, you had to be saved. I remember being a bit curious as well as a bit nervous the first time I witnessed this. I had never seen anyone carrying on so before. He isn't there now of course, that was forty some years ago. No one does that around here any more. Not that I've heard anyway.

As youth, I went to a revival where the visiting preacher was talking about hell. He was very descriptive in his explanation, how it was real and how it was not going to be some wild never-ending party. It is a never ending time of darkness, pain and torment. It is a place that was created for the demons, not God's children. God does not want any of His creation to go to hell, it is those who use their free will to turn away from and deny God that send themselves to hell.

The term-Christian- means 'Christ like', or more specific, 'little christ'. Followers, believers, those in a relationship with Christ Jesus as Lord and Savior are to be like Him. Christ, in His time here judged no one. He was here to be the Living Word of God. He walked the dusty roads, He taught the Word, He taught in parables in a way that the people of the time would understand. He healed the sin, the lame, those shunned from society due to leprosy. With a word or a touch He gave sight, strength in limbs weak and unusable. With a few fish and loaves of bread He fed thousands with food left over. As a youth when Mary and Joseph found Him at the temple deep in discussion with religious leaders He told them plainly He was about His Father's business. He forgave those whom others would stone, spoke with those that Jews in that day would go out of their way to avoid. He ate with sinners and tax collectors and allowed a woman with a bad reputation to wash His feet with her tears and dry them with her hair all as the pious men around whispered.

During His time here, He was a teacher, a prophet, a healer, one who drove out demons all as He taught the disciples what they would need to know. He was innocent and without sin, and He willingly went to the cross a lamb, a holy lamb to slaughter, a sacrifice for ALL mankind. That we would have salvation.

He was born of lowly birth, the angles announced His birth first to the shepherds nearby. He was placed in a manger from which the animals fed, wrapped in swaddling clothes. He came for the every day man, He came as servant, a suffering Savior. For the shepherds, for the tax collectors, for the every day person man or woman, Jew or Gentile, for those who were humble, who sought truth.

Christ Jesus did not judge, He cast no stones, demanded no punishments for sins. He came to love, to show, be, the Way.

Jesus went to the cross, He could have called a legion of angels down to His side, but He did not. He died and was buried in a borrowed tomb. He had no earthly home, no money in a bag tucked to His side. In material things one would say He was poor, but He sought no material things, He had taught, lay up your treasures in Heaven, for where your treasures are, there so is your heart. Three days later, He arose. Why three days? Because the people of the time thought that the soul lingered and could reenter the body up to three days. After the third day it was impossible. On the third day Christ left the tomb and showed Himself to multitudes of people in various places. He spoke with His disciples, one of the last things He told them was to go and tell, go and share the Gospel.

I am not a preacher. I am not a Sunday School or Bible study teacher. I cannot (even though I should be able to, I can't) quote scripture verses. I am also not much of a public speaker. I can start talking and one of two things happens, I feel like I'm babbling, or I get the impression that other people think I'm babbling which does in turn cause me to babble. So, rather that verbally share, I try and share my faith by my writings and my life. A life where I try and immolate my Lord in my actions.

I speak kindly to others as I would like to for others to speak to me. While I am not perfect, I try to not lose my temper, allow frustrations to guide my steps tripping me up, or vulgar words to escape my lips. For what passes off your tongue and through your lips is what resides in your heart. I do not want a heart of anger. One's actions and words do effect those around, those that hear or see. You can spread light or darkness, I choose light.

I do not judge those that live a lifestyle called 'alternative' at one time. Because I may perceive it as wrong, gives me no right to judge the person. I do not condemn. If I see one that lives in a life trapped in substance abuse, or the abuse of their body and life in any form- it is not my place to judge. It is my place to try and discuss alternatives, to share my faith in a way that is not disagreeable. One gets further, but kindness, compassion, gentleness than one would by condemnation and hatred.

In this world there are many religions, many different beliefs. I have chosen the belief where I walk with a living Savior. No other faith can say that. I have chosen to walk in a relationship with my Lord, walking with Him daily, listening for His directions through the leadership of the Holy Spirit. I walk in a Spirit of love. Speak gently, live a life of compassion for you know not the troubles and trials of those who you meet along the way.

Christians are not promised a life of ease and comfort when they decide to walk with Him. In fact we are warned of just the opposite. We will endure pain, suffering, storms. We will be forged in the fires of troubles. I have endured storms along the way. As a teen I felt that I nearly drowned. Maybe it wasn't that close, but I felt at the time it was. As a young adult about 20-21 years old, I was electrocuted. Around 24/25 years old I was in a very abusive relationship. Four years ago in Feb. I began a cancer battle. My trials are minor compared to some. Each of these storms I had no idea at the time why I was having to suffer through these things. Now I understand that they teach me understanding, compassion, empathy for those who are walking roads similar to what I did. I can talk with them in near full understanding.

We do not know the storms that others are dealing with. We only know the peace and comfort that we have inside. I know the comfort I have in the knowledge of where my treasures lie. I write what I do, I say and act as I do because it is my hope to share the peace within my heart, the hope, the belief. It is also my desire that when my time comes and this life is done, that I will hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

I will judge no one, it is not my place.

I will condemn no one, it is not my place.

I will show no intolerance, simply for race, religion or lifestyle

I will show and share the love for my Lord my God and the love for my neighbor as I was told. Through my words, my writing, my actions. If that is blatant- so be it.
We all have our beliefs and way of expressing those beliefs. We have our own ways of sharing-whether we use our words, or share the words of others. At times our expressions may seem exclusive, condeming, judgemental even when it was not intended. Patience, tolerence and understanding needs to come from all directions and hearts.





Agree or disagree with me, it is your choice. I am not going to argue my beliefs or reasoning. If you have comments that can be made in a respectful way I will read and discuss. If you are a hater just wanting to stir up hatred, controversy and drama your comments will be removed.

Where this heart suffers no more

Watching the skies grow dim, night comes

my heart is weary, struggling against the battle

I know, I know that I am not alone

I hand my pain to You Lord, You know

my suffering, the agony of my heart

Chilly is the air, as the sun sets

cool is the emotions of this heart

struggling, fighting the good fight

against enemies of the peace

You see my tears, You feel my pain

reaching out to me, drawing me near to You

I feel Your peace enfold me

I rest in Your comforting calm

I trust in You Lord, I trust in You

to take this pain from me

to give me strength to endure

as I watch night approach yet again

waiting for the stars to light the way

I find peace in the solitude, comfort in the quiet

even as the pain is there

a heart, my heart weary and worn

struggling in the wake of the demons

trembling in the dust of the storm

yet I know, yes I know, I am not alone

even as I draw the cloak of Your peace close around me

Your voice drawing me near

I fear not the suffering, worry not over the pain

You are with me, You are most awesome

I sit near to You, as You remain near to me

council me in the ways I should go

council me, in what I should know

wash me in Your merciful grace

as I wait for the day to end, wait, for the night to begin

waiting, for the stillness of the night, the silence of the darkness

the moment, when I can hear You most plainly

speaking to a weary soul, that seeks You

finding the peace, great comforting peace

that comes only from You

within Your grace I rest

and this heart is at peace

within You

within me

waiting, for the days of this life to end

when all is complete, the journey finished

when I can sit by Your feet, listen in quiet wonder

when I can be, where this heart will suffer no more.