a busy day here at the new normal outpost

Hello honey,

  I don't know if you can read this, or maybe you already know. I don't know myself if you can see us and know what's going on. I don't know if you can hear me when I'm talking to you, but I hope you can.

 We're trying really hard to get used to this new normal. This rest of our life time with out you. It isn't easy, you were so much a part of our every day, even when you weren't here. You never liked missing out on things, but being a truck driver, a long haul truck driver, you did miss out on a lot. You did however call often and we called you every chance we got. Now, since there are no phones in Heaven, I just talk and hope you hear. I just act, and wonder if you see.

 Today was a busy day. It started out slow, I have a difficult time getting started anymore. I can get up and get to work and do what I need to do there, but on my days off, I simply want to sit in this room, or on the front porch in your chair and hide from everything else. I can't do that of course, it isn't healthy nor productive. The world didn't stop and the bills still need to be paid and groceries bought. I did that today since I was off for Good Friday. I went by Lowe's as well. I was looking for flowers, I wanted something to put some color on the front porch and maybe draw in a butterfly or two. I just have to hope they fly high enough that Bella can't bother them. Crazy dog thinks anything that flies is a good target. I found two citronella plants at walmart, I know the ones I had on the porch last year you said that you could never smell, and I admit that I never really smelled their scent, these I bought today, you can smell them from out in the yard so maybe I will be able to sit on the porch  without being bothered by the mosquitoes. I bought two small plants that I've already transplanted into a hanging basket. I've moved the others back outside from the back porch. They do need sunlight and water therapy then I believe they will fill back out.

I did some cleaning in the house, I still need to get this room. I need to clean up the destruction from the kittens, but I miss them and this mess reminds me of them. I found out today that mom has had her surgery and healed up and should be up for adoption this weekend. One of the babies has already been adopted, the rest will be there with mom waiting on new forever homes.  They've had  shots and other heath stuff taken care of, stuff that would have been difficult for us, even if we had only kept one. I knew they needed a better home than what we could give, and I did promise they would be gone. I also have to figure out where I am going to store some of those blankets I purchased last year, now that the weather is finally warm and I no longer need them.

 I did several loads of laundry and will run the dishwasher once the wash machine is finished with the last load. James needs to haul the trash off again, how we make so much trash is beyond me. There is just me and James, I really think we have gremlins coming in, bringing someone else's trash for us to deal with. But why not? The mail carrier keeps leaving other people's mail in our box even after I took a white marker and wrote in big letters our name and number. Speaking of mail, I know you like to know what comes, today was just the Lowe's bill, nothing more. And yes, we have the money for that one.

  Jennifer's husband, Jason, helped me get the plastic down and anchored this afternoon. Miles tried to help, but the rocks we were putting in place were just a tad too heavy. I moved all of the plants down there. It took three trips to get all of the plants, the tools I needed and the water and fertilizer down there, carrying them in the wheel barrel. I started planting, but it was getting late and I knew I'd never get done on my own so I went back to the house and got James. Together we got everything in the ground. He said that he would help me get the rabbit fence up tomorrow. You would be so proud of him, or maybe you are. Maybe you see how he is stepping up and trying to be more mature and help more. There are times when he comes in from work really tired, just as I do. I try not to ask too much of him. I don't want him to burn out on me. I may need to hit him up to help me plant the cucumbers that I didn't get planted today,  Monday afternoon so I won't bug him too much.

 There is a lot that needs to be done. I need to finish cleaning the yard, getting up those leaves and the trash that has blown over from the neighbors and the trash that managed to escape our own trash cans. There is stuff that needs to be repaired or replaced. Its a never ending cycle, but I'm trying. By the way, do you have any idea what became of the screen from the living room window? I was going to open the window today until I saw it was missing.

 Did I tell you that I had my mammogram last week, and saw Dr. Schultz this week. Everything is good, she told me again that I was boring and that she would see me next year. It was really quick and I was able to get back to work, I only lost a little over an hour.

 I imagine that its an exciting time up there right now. You're getting to celebrate Easter with the King. The choir in our church is no match for the Heavenly choir of angels. I'm sure you've already found all of your family and together you will be joining in and singing all manner of hymns of praise. Walmart has some flowers for 97 cent a bunch. I purchased some last week and a few more today. Sunday, if not tomorrow, I'll bring them up and place them on your grave. I know you aren't there, and I know you aren't a flower person, but I did it anyway. I miss you.

 I sat out on the porch for a while tonight. It was peaceful out there. It was oh so quiet, I could almost hear you whispering.

 Good night my love, tomorrow is another day, another chance to try and get accustomed to this new normal without you. I miss you and I love you.

 

 

If only

if only
we had been given one more day

to speak to each other

to hold each other close

to sit, side by side, coffee in hand on the porch

rocking away the day.

If only

we had known

just how short the time was

that we had together

what we could have done

together

If only

you had taken the time

to understand that life is indeed short

and in that knowledge, taken better care

of the body you were given

the health that you have

instead of neglecting

thinking life is a long and winding road

time for all

if only

we had done more

cared more

loved more

tried harder

would that have made a difference?

would you still be here

with us

with me

talking, arguing, joking

would you ask for that coffee

sit in that chair on the porch

rocking away the day

no one knows our time

but the Father

no one can tell, when we will be called

could be that our actions hasten that time

 no matter what we do

that time will come as ordained

but I still sit

I still wish

I still cry out

if only

When a loved one dies so far from home

How, to get him home. I did not know, how I was going to get my husband's body home. We live in the Charlotte, North Carolina area and he was in Indiana. Having been found passed away in his truck required an autopsy, they had to make sure of the reason. Then what? How was I going to get him home? I doubted that they would actually allow me to drive my Explorer to Indiana and pick up the body, even if they did, the paperwork would have to be unimaginable. I had promised him repeatedly that I would not have him cremated. I had to get him home.

A friend on social media reminded me of a group that I had saw online but never paid enough attention that it stuck in my mind. I would see it, think how sad and as most, move on to something more happy. Now, I needed this organization. Truckersfinalmile.org and a gentleman and truck driver by the name of Robert was going to become a God send. To be fully honest and above board, the company that my husband worked for, would have gotten him home, they had an insurance policy that would cover the expense of getting him home. At the time, I did not know this, did not fully understand what they were saying. Which leads me to saying, always have someone to help you, always have someone there who can talk with people and make sure that everything is understood. As it is, Truckersfinalmile got him home, the insurance money will cover his burial. But I'm ahead of myself.

After I contacted Robert by phone, who was driving at the time, but told me he would return my call as soon as he was stopped. It wasn't long before he returned my call and I told him what had happened. I filled him in on what little I knew and he took all of the information down and asked me to send him via email a photo of my husband. This is a group that operates on donations and they would need to set up a link just for my husband for anyone to give a tax deductible donation.

 Once the link was up and being shared via social media, there was some confusion and  problems. Other drivers for the company kept saying that the company was going to get him home. Robert from the organization called me with questions over it. He said that if the company was going to get my husband home, then he would step back and there was ethical issues there. I spoke at length with him and I spoke at length with someone from the company and there was the understanding that Truckersfinalmile would get him home. They had started the move and they would finish it.

It just took what seemed like forever. There was all manner of signatures needed on all manner of paperwork. I had filled out forms online, I had checked forms and I had checked the information I knew on the pending death certificate, I had spoken with people, and still I waited. The wait was very frustrating, at times causing various family members, wanting to just jump in vehicles and go and get him. The company that my husband had driven for called me at one point (they had kept in constant contact but this one was special) asking what was going on and I told them what I had been told. They asked if I had a funeral home and for me to talk with the director. I did get in contact with him and he in turn got in contact with the organization that truckersfinalmile used and it seemed that things stepped up more quickly. While I'm sure that Global Mortuary has a lot going on, maybe the fact that they were now dealing with someone other than a grieving widow got them to moving. Finally word came that things were about to happen.  The flights had to be booked and the weather was a nightmare. He would fly from Illinois to Texas and from Texas to Charlotte where he would be taken to the funeral home. A seemingly long, long wait was finally coming to its end.

My husband passed away on March 7th, we finally got him home on March 16th. I understand that if he had passed away in California, it would have been a much longer wait because of  the greater amount of paperwork and red tape.

  Over the course of this time, I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about a loved one passing, especially one passing so far from home. One of my husband's fears was that he would die out there and no one know. That he would go for an extended time before he was discovered. I had last spoken to my husband minutes before 9am, he was discovered around 11am slumped over on his bunk. It is important that we stay in contact with our loved ones out there. If you are accustomed to speaking with them at certain times and that time passes, start checking. If they are drivers for a company, know who their dispatcher is and how to get in contact with them and if need be, use that information. Have a contact person who can do that for you if you are unable.  Know where they are going. Drivers, make sure your loved ones have the information they need, should they not hear from you.

 Do not be afraid or too proud to ask for help. Don't think that you have to be super human and do it all, because at the moments of greatest distress and shock, we can't. We misunderstand, we don't hear, we don't know all of the questions to ask, we are overly emotional, and  some times, we are easy prey for those who would take advantage.

 Don't be afraid to ask those questions, over and over and over if you must so that you know, you fully understand what is going on. Ask for recommendations, ask people for the best for what ever you need. Those who have experienced before you, know who is the best go to for anything.

 Understand that during the time it takes to get your loved one home, there are going to be more emotions than you knew you had flowing through and crashing out of you. Find ways to release this in a healthy way. Exercise, take long walks, find a distraction, get in the car, with the windows up and drive around shouting at the top of your lungs. Someone told me they went to really sad movies so they could allow the tears to fall.

 Don't forget, in everything going on, to be as polite as you can be, there are those who are doing their best to help you, some things though are out of their control.

 There are other organizations out there I am sure that are specifically for getting a loved one home. I used truckersfinalmile.org and they were amazing, they were respectful, they were available to answer any questions and concerns, telling me I could call at any time. Educate yourself on these and other things that are important. Insurance policies, places for burial, pre-need, wills, all things that one does not like to think of, but we really do need to have these things taken care of before the worst happens.

 My husband was blessed in that he drove for a company who felt as if, and treated drivers and their family like family. Someone was always available to help and answer questions before my husband passed and have checked on me often since his passing. While they did not physically get him home, they did play a very large part in his return and continue to be here. They did not abandon him, they have not abandoned me. The insurance that was there to cover getting him home, will cover his burial.

I hope and pray that no one has to endure what we did, but if you do, I hope that this has helped in some way, shape or form.

Trying to breathe

I'm sitting here
with a chest heavy with sadness
alone so alone
because you are gone.
Something triggered the pain
early today, all day I walked
trying to breathe
trying to pretend, there was no pain
laughing when others laughed
trying to joke, trying to be brave
through the pain
and the tears that will not fall
I'm sitting here
missing you, the sound of your voice
you calling so often, every day
I'm sitting here
with a chest heavy with sadness
 a heart weary and wounded
missing you
needing you
trying to go on
one day
one step
one breath
just breath
trying to breathe
missing you
How, do I get up every morning
go about the ordinary
as if there is nothing wrong
How do I go about this life
doing what must be done
seeing what needs be done
all while my heart is heavy
I try to breathe
try to go on
even as I'm missing you
still missing you
always missing you
as I try to breathe

Courage of an ordinary, not so ordinary man

I wrote most of this a while back, but this is an updated version. With his death, everything changed.
 I was thinking that there are many levels of courage. Something that I wish I were, but I'm not.
 I know that there are those who are courageous enough to join the military and risk it all for the land and people they love. They leave everything they have known behind and often go to strange lands in the hopes of doing great things. In the hope of protecting their homeland or those in the lands were they find themselves. They go, because it is their job, their desire, their calling. They will do what they must, to protect and defend the flag, the land, the people they left behind.
 I know there are those who will run into a burning building or face a burning vehicle to rescue those in danger. Once they hear that alarm sound, all else stops and they run to those in need. They run, whether it is a house, car or wildfire burning along the side of a roadway.
 The good  police who are out there to actually serve and protect. Those who work, risking much, to keep communities safe. Those who don body armor and go into the midst of a riot to try and regain peace. Those who not only know how to arrest, but know how to assist in a birth, who know CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver.
 The paramedics who rush to the aid of those in need and see that they get help. With knowledge similar to a doctor's, they work to save lives. They go into dangerous situations, knowing someone needs them.
 Then, there are those like my husband, who, when the place he worked closed its doors, taking away what he was experienced at away, he had to step up and do something different. My husband, who had not traveled much, became well versed in the roadways of this land. My husband, who with a nine to five type job who was home every night, was now rarely home. He not only stepped out of his comfort zone, he was not even in the same county or region of where his comfort zone once was.
 He took on an entirely different way of life and learned and adjusted to, an entirely new lifestyle.
 I respect him for that. No matter how nervous he was about going into something different, he knew he had to try so as to be able to provide for us. My husband, became a long haul truck driver. He had to learn all of the eccentricities of a big rig, he had to learn how to discern which was the quicker route to get from there to there, he had to learn to deal with all manner of people, he had to learn regulations and laws and where the weight stations were. Did I mention, my husband did not read well. He could read enough to get by, but he could not read well. Throw a unique town name in there with one vowel and half a dozen consonants and it was anyone's guess as to how to pronounce it. My husband was a proud man though and did not want anyone knowing as he feared looking unintelligent.  His lack of a high school diploma and the challenges he faced made him feel less intelligent than others. I thought of him as very intelligent, very capable and very brave. Going out into the wild highway world of a truck driver with the challenges he faced. I respected him then, I will always respect him because he did not allow those challenges to stop him.
 I go to work at the same place every day, doing the same thing and dreaming of something new, big and exciting. I dream... my husband did it. He faced a lot, he battled a lot and he kept right on going, right up until the end. I will always see my husband as a courageous man. Always.

with a few words everything changed- day two

Sleeping that night, was nearly impossible. Moments of exhaustion took me into sleep but could not keep me there.  I would awaken to listen to the radio playing softly behind me. The station a faith based one that was playing songs of faith, hope and assurances. The very types that I needed to hear. Restless, I tossed and turned but did not allow myself to get up as I know getting into that habit is not a good thing. I pulled the cover up higher, I shoved it away, I pulled his pillow to my cheek and whimpered into the softness. Drifting back into the exhaustion that gave me some respite.

I did not need the alarm to wake me when the sun rose above the horizon, I was already up and pacing the house. All the words from yesterday echoing. My mind a turmoil as the information replayed. He was gone, he really was gone. Never again would I hear his voice on my phone, coming in the doorway, from the other end of the house expecting me to understand what he was mumbling. Never again would he come in handing me food from the truck that I needed to find somewhere to put it in the fridge. Never again seeing that huge bag of dirty laundry to take care of.  Never again would I smile as we entered Walmart and he immediately went to the men's room then once joining me, took control of the shopping cart. Never again would I be able to convince him that I needed one more shirt or one more plant. Never again, would he ask me to prepare him a cup of coffee. A mantra stuck inside my head as I paced. With my son still in the bed, the tears fell. I sat in the farthest room in the house from his, and allowed them to fall.

 I was lost in what I needed to do, who I needed to call, was there anywhere I needed to go? All the while, all I wanted to do was find a semi-dark place and hide. I wanted to awaken from a nightmare and be able to share it with him. Only it wasn't a nightmare and I was not going to be able to share anything with him again. Not in this lifetime anyway.

At 11pm last night, I wrote this:

The phone hasn't stopped ringing

but it wasn't you.

A lot of people have been by today, cars and trucks pulling into the drive.

but it wasn't you.,

that I saw walking through the gate

sitting in that rocker

talking about my solar lights as they came on

one, by one.

I sat there in that chair on the porch, even as the air grew colder,

thinking of you, where your body rests

even as I know, and I know, yes I know

where you are.

Even as I know, that I know that I know

You have seen Jesus.

I know, your physical ailments are gone

I know, you worry no more

your journey here is through.

So many have been by here

but it wasn't you.

I miss you already.

No longer now, will you worry about weights and directions

finding somewhere to stop for the night

a place to pick up a few groceries

no longer will you worry about hours

or argue with that qualcom in the truck

or that gps that can't find where you want to go

a lot of people have been by

have called, have left messages

but it wasn't you

since I got that call

oh how I wish

that it wasn't you

how I wish

that it wasn't you.

And I do still wish, with the passing of time, that it wasn't him.

So, early on the second morning, I sat once again here at the computer and did the only thing I knew to do, write.

"Hello all-

Sitting here, been sitting here for a while now. Taking your words of comfort and offered prayers, taking your thoughtfulness, and wrapping it around me as a blanket of peace and love. You have no idea how your presence is helping. The tears that would not come yesterday, have not stopped this morning. The numbness wearing off and the reality setting in. In a short while I will have to start the process that I do not want to do. I want to be happy for my husband who is no longer in any pain, no longer suffering the breathing issues, no longer stressed and all the other emotions that come with trying to be the provider and husband,, father and friend. And somewhere in there, I am, but I miss him.

I am so thankful that I have my family, I have you my friends to strengthen me. I have a crazy giraffe that refuses to give birth and a house full of living squeak toys to distract me. James is going to go in and try to work today. It won't be easy for him, but he will have that distraction for a while. He's trying so hard to be strong and mature.

be safe my friends

be well

be in all things, blessed

be the difference

much love and thanks for the difference you are being for me in this time."

A short time later I wrote:

"They wouldn't let James work, he's on his way home. I guess he will get to help me with choosing a funeral home.....I just don't know which way to go.. if anyone here local can offer a recommendation?"

Many people offered recommendations, we decided to go with Woodlawn Funeral Home in Mount Holly, NC. I was very glad that we did as they were so nice, so supportive, so helpful in such an emotional time.

And so we go on

one day

one step

one breath

one prayer at a time.

With only a few words, everything changed

How could a day, that started out so innocently, become such a nightmare?

"March 7 at 5:11am ·

growing kittens..... its like living in a house with living squeak toys.... toys that get even if you accidentally step on one..."
My husband and I had rescued a mother cat and her litter of five precious babies. She had her brood in our storage building, it was still winter and guaranteed to still have cold weather, the babies would not have survived out there. So we found a box, we gathered them all up and brought them inside. That was February 6th. They were happy, healthy and a mass of growing kitten claws and teeth.

" March 7 at 5:29am ·

good morning all-
One of those contacts do not want to go in right morning so I'm now running late...
may your day be a wonderful adventure filled with things that bring a laugh, fond memories and hope.
be safe
be well
be blessed
be the difference.."

I have to be at work at 6am. I had time, if I wanted to be there right at six, but I prefer being early, so to get a decent place to park and because one never knows what might happen between here and there.
 Just before 9am, I called my husband. I couldn't understand what he was saying at first, he got agitated at me, hung up and then called me back. I asked if he was okay and he said no. When I asked what was wrong he asked me "What do you think?" Before I could really answer, he said, "let me go" and hung up. Every break after that I tried to call him, getting no answer.
My whole world tilted and broke when I got the call at 4pm telling me that my husband had been found deceased in his truck. It was running but parked with the windows rolled down. He was sitting, slumped over on his bunk. From what I understand, this was right around 11am. Help was called, but there was nothing that could be done. I left work shaking, numb, in shock, and wondering how in the world I was going to tell our son. Yes, he is grown, but it was still his dad, and then I had my step-daughter to call. I pulled into the drive and got out of the car to hear my mother calling me. When I told her that Jr. was dead, she said that she knew, James had been down to tell her. So, James knew, because someone from where my husband worked had called and told him. He didn't want to, but he was concerned that the police would show up and catch us unaware. 
So much after that is a blur. Family came, my step daughter called James and then he gave the phone to me. I told her what little I knew and then went outside to wait on the police.
The guy from our life insurance who had been scheduled to come by for a visit to update our insurance came by and we talked for a few moments. He said he would do what he could to get things started. The police officer who came was so nice, so polite, so respectful. He said he had been on the force for 28 years and this was the first time he had to deliver such a message. I felt badly for him.
All the while, even as I spoke with the various people who came by, who called, who sent word, all the while I kept waiting on my phone to ring with him asking me what I hadn't called him. 
In my head are the words echoing "No, T... No! (name left out for their privacy) It still echoes, within my head and heart. 
 Everyone kept asking if I was okay. I was in too much of a state of shock not to be. The Associate Pastor came by and spoke with James. The Pastor called asking what was going on. He was out of town but was getting some odd messages.
 People began to wander slowly away, as the hour grew late. We had been sitting on the front porch, watching the sunlight fade and the solar lights come on. AS the last person left, as the night grew chilly, I wet inside, closed the door and locked it. I looked around, I took a breath. I headed for bed, all the while waiting on the phone to ring.