Sleeping that night, was nearly impossible. Moments of exhaustion took me into sleep but could not keep me there. I would awaken to listen to the radio playing softly behind me. The station a faith based one that was playing songs of faith, hope and assurances. The very types that I needed to hear. Restless, I tossed and turned but did not allow myself to get up as I know getting into that habit is not a good thing. I pulled the cover up higher, I shoved it away, I pulled his pillow to my cheek and whimpered into the softness. Drifting back into the exhaustion that gave me some respite.
I did not need the alarm to wake me when the sun rose above the horizon, I was already up and pacing the house. All the words from yesterday echoing. My mind a turmoil as the information replayed. He was gone, he really was gone. Never again would I hear his voice on my phone, coming in the doorway, from the other end of the house expecting me to understand what he was mumbling. Never again would he come in handing me food from the truck that I needed to find somewhere to put it in the fridge. Never again seeing that huge bag of dirty laundry to take care of. Never again would I smile as we entered Walmart and he immediately went to the men's room then once joining me, took control of the shopping cart. Never again would I be able to convince him that I needed one more shirt or one more plant. Never again, would he ask me to prepare him a cup of coffee. A mantra stuck inside my head as I paced. With my son still in the bed, the tears fell. I sat in the farthest room in the house from his, and allowed them to fall.
I was lost in what I needed to do, who I needed to call, was there anywhere I needed to go? All the while, all I wanted to do was find a semi-dark place and hide. I wanted to awaken from a nightmare and be able to share it with him. Only it wasn't a nightmare and I was not going to be able to share anything with him again. Not in this lifetime anyway.
At 11pm last night, I wrote this:
The phone hasn't stopped ringing
but it wasn't you.
A lot of people have been by today, cars and trucks pulling into the drive.
but it wasn't you.,
that I saw walking through the gate
sitting in that rocker
talking about my solar lights as they came on
one, by one.
I sat there in that chair on the porch, even as the air grew colder,
thinking of you, where your body rests
even as I know, and I know, yes I know
where you are.
Even as I know, that I know that I know
You have seen Jesus.
I know, your physical ailments are gone
I know, you worry no more
your journey here is through.
So many have been by here
but it wasn't you.
I miss you already.
No longer now, will you worry about weights and directions
finding somewhere to stop for the night
a place to pick up a few groceries
no longer will you worry about hours
or argue with that qualcom in the truck
or that gps that can't find where you want to go
a lot of people have been by
have called, have left messages
but it wasn't you
since I got that call
oh how I wish
that it wasn't you
how I wish
that it wasn't you.
And I do still wish, with the passing of time, that it wasn't him.
So, early on the second morning, I sat once again here at the computer and did the only thing I knew to do, write.
Sitting here, been sitting here for a while now. Taking your words of comfort and offered prayers, taking your thoughtfulness, and wrapping it around me as a blanket of peace and love. You have no idea how your presence is helping. The tears that would not come yesterday, have not stopped this morning. The numbness wearing off and the reality setting in. In a short while I will have to start the process that I do not want to do. I want to be happy for my husband who is no longer in any pain, no longer suffering the breathing issues, no longer stressed and all the other emotions that come with trying to be the provider and husband,, father and friend. And somewhere in there, I am, but I miss him.
I am so thankful that I have my family, I have you my friends to strengthen me. I have a crazy giraffe that refuses to give birth and a house full of living squeak toys to distract me. James is going to go in and try to work today. It won't be easy for him, but he will have that distraction for a while. He's trying so hard to be strong and mature.
be safe my friends
be in all things, blessed
be the difference
much love and thanks for the difference you are being for me in this time."
A short time later I wrote:
"They wouldn't let James work, he's on his way home. I guess he will get to help me with choosing a funeral home.....I just don't know which way to go.. if anyone here local can offer a recommendation?"
Many people offered recommendations, we decided to go with Woodlawn Funeral Home in Mount Holly, NC. I was very glad that we did as they were so nice, so supportive, so helpful in such an emotional time.
And so we go on
one breathone prayer at a time.