I have not been the same since March 7th, and I know I never will be. I do not however, have to allow those changes to break who I am. Since March 7th, since I got the word that my husband had passed, I've gone through all of the emotions in this perpetual circle. I make my way out of one, to find the next. They either seep in slowly, wait around a peaceful corner and attack, or as a flash flood, suddenly appear without warning, threatening to carry me away. Over and over, I have dealt with them, over and over I have survived their onslaught.
The anger that makes me want to break things. The anger that has me wanting to scream out.
The depression that has me standing, staring out the window, or sitting in his rocker on the porch, just gazing out across the yard.
The sadness that chokes the very breath from my lungs, leaving me with a pain of longing to see, to hear, to touch him once again.
The determination that this is not going to destroy me, as I through myself into the things not yet done.
The feelings of wanting to be alone and yet the feelings of needing to be with others.
The hunger, and then the lack of any desire to eat.
Generally, I am not that emotional a person. I feel and act on emotions, but they do not control me as these try. I have said that anger and acting out on it, was a wasted emotion. I have said that one does not need to remain sad, or alone. Maybe, just maybe, I am to learn the lesson here that emotions are never wasted, as long as we do not allow them to control us, or to cause pain to others. Maybe, I am to learn, that we are all emotional, and those emotions have purpose. Maybe, I am to learn, that emotions are like the seas, one moment calm and serene, the next angry and dangerous. One never knows what lurks behind that next wave.
In all of the battles with my emotions, in the midst of this raging sea of feelings, the boat that is my life has rocked, rolled and nearly swamped many times. In all of this, I have held fast to the anchor of my life. I have watched His light, guide me forward from the storm.
In the beatitudes, the Lord said, "blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:4) I cling to that verse as I cling to the hem of His garment and the cross on which He died. I KNOW, He is with me through all of this. I have seen His presence not only in this storm, but in the blessings we have been given through others.
When a need has arisen, He has answered that need. We need a new furnace and repairs to the roof. A gift arrived in the mail that will go a long way toward, if not completely taking care of that need. I have also been told that one may have a furnace unit that I can have, they were going to check on it then get back to me.
My husband was one that always wanted to be one month ahead of the bills in the bank account. He was, but that wasn't going to be enough. Enough money was sent to me, by different avenues, that will cover next months bills. I pray that we will have received the death certificates by then so that I can start the process of getting his life insurance and paying off many things.
We have not gone hungry physically. I do work a full time job, but many fed us during the initial time of sorrow, and there are those who still ask or have given us gift cards to restaurants we enjoy.
We do not hunger spiritually, as I have felt the presence, the comfort, the love not only of the prayers of our many friends, but of the very presence of the Lord as He walks with me, His Light of Love, guiding me through this darkness and back into the light. His love the ranibow promised in and after the storm.
And right now, this is a raging storm with many concerns, the raging winds of anger, the pounding rains of hurt, the waves of confusion, all batter the boat that is my life, but there is only one Anchor, and I cling to that, knowing, in time, this will be done, this too, shall pass.