Just wanted to talk...

 Hey Honey,

    When the mail finally ran today there was a letter inside that would have made you smile. It was a statement saying that the last payment on that loan is smaller than the amount automatically withdrawn, so they are lowering the auto amount so as to not over charge us. Finally, that will be done. I know that you said that once that was paid off then we could afford another car for me, but well, my baby still runs well enough to get me where I need to go, as long as I don't push her too hard or too far.

 Life is so different now. I'm really trying so hard to keep going, but it isn't easy. Things that were so common place before, are difficult. I want to be able to go on, just as I once did, but that's simply not possible. Its as if I'm in some alternate universe and I'm trying to find my way but there are no street signs or directions. Just this huge labyrinth that keeps sending me into dead ends and false hopes. Even something as simple as grocery shopping has me walking in a state of sadness because I should be looking for something that you would like, but instead I'm buying ingredients for vegetable meals and green tea. The green tea is not bad actually, you might would have liked it. I've been making it here rather than buy that brand we were getting for James, its cheaper this way and I can control the sugar content.

 I've got most of the stuff together for the meeting with the clerk of probate. I keep wondering if I ought to take extra stuff, just in case. Take it with me, but only bring it out if its needed. I keep hearing you asking me why I don't already have it all together and ready, even though the meeting isn't until May 9th.

 James hauled the trash off today. I told him that we really needed to finish getting the garage cleaned out, but that would take several more trips to the landfill and you know how difficult it is to get James to go to begin with. I worry about snakes though. This is probably going to be a bad year for snakes, especially copperheads. I've heard of quite a few people seeing and killing them. Dad even called up here late the other night, remember? Warning me to be careful that they saw a copperhead down by the building.

 I'm keeping up with the drivers from Abilene. I don't say too much any more. It feels odd. I don't want anyone to take it wrong when I speak. One of the drivers was in Gastonia not too long ago.  I did speak to them, and they responded and all, but it felt strange. I know that you didn't care when I spoke to people and I always told you, and told you what we discussed. You really didn't have much interest in any of this online stuff though. You didn't care as long as it didn't cost anything and as long as I remembered our vows. Even though you're not here now, it still doesn't seem right. So I leave the conversations short.

 You would have laughed at me today. I was looking for a receipt, I went out to the car and was searching. I didn't find the receipt, but I did find a milk chocolate bar that had been in there for a while. You could tell it was completely melted. I could hear you asking me, didn't I remember it was in there?" Apparently not. But not being one to waste chocolate, I brought it inside and put it in the fridge. I'm not sure I'll eat it, but we'll see. Speaking of the explorer, can you believe we've had that thing for 15 years? That's a record for us.

  James and Bella scared me today. When I first went out to look in the car, I realized that I didn't see Bella. I thought James had gone on to the landfill and I was afraid that Bella might have followed him. I called for her, then went in the house to make sure she was not in here, she wasn't. I went back out and called louder, James answered me, he had her. He was down at mom's. He came around the corner of the house with her and told her to go home. She came like a shot. James pulled the truck back up to the house and explained that she had jumped int he truck and he took her for a ride to mom's. He could have just told me first..but you know, she does love to ride.

 Ah well hon, as you love to remind me, its getting late and I do have church to go to in the morning. I'm going to say goodnight, I miss you and I love you. I have another vase and some flowers to bring to you in the morning..I'll see you then.