The bill from the funeral home arrived. I knew how much it would be, knew it was coming eventually. Still, when I opened that envelope, saw the amount I expected, it was just one more reminder. You aren't coming home.
Oh, I know. I know that you are in a much better place than this. I know that you're healthy again, you can breath without problems. I know that all of the other medical battles you fought are ended now. I know, that now instead of jockeying a big rig up and down America's highways, fighting to find places and get there on time, you now walk those streets of gold. Instead of dealing with what you considered rude dock workers, you are now listening to the angels and walking with Jesus. I know all of that.
It still hurts.
The shock has worn off some. I'm no longer wanting to scream at people, telling them they're wrong. They have to be wrong, have the wrong person, that you are just having problems with the truck or qualcom, your phone isn't working again, something, anything that would have you coming home. But, you're not coming back here.
I'm learning to deal with it by writing, constantly it seems, about your leaving. I'm trying to work though all of the emotions and struggles this way. I've been told that my writing is helping others. I don't know that to be true, I don't know how my struggling will hep others, but it so, then let it be. If it helps one person or one hundred, then that's a good thing. That it eases a little of the struggle, a little of the pain. It is mine. I'm not keeping it all locked inside, the pain in my chest, that inability to breathe has eased.
So I write.
Before the funeral bill arrived I received a letter from someone wanting to "invite me to view gravemarkers". I was blindsided a bit by that one as it came in a plain, white business envelope with no indication as to what was inside. I didn't throw it away, but I did slide it out of sight for now. I know that I will have to see to that eventually, but not today.
We're still waiting on the official death certificate. The one telling us the reason you left. Everyone seems to believe it was a heart attack or heart related. I know that as far as one thing goes, knowing the real reason won't make a difference. You're still gone, whether it was due to a heart attack, an asthma attack, complications from the flu that you thought you were coming down with. None of that matters, you are and always will be gone.
I'll send word to the funeral home and acknowledge that I received the letter. They know we're still waiting on that paper so I can work on getting your insurance dollars. Once I have that, then I can start paying a few of those bills off or way down.
The funeral home bill came, other will follow, but I know that all I can do, all I will do is take it one day, one step, one breath and one prayer at a time. It will work out, I have faith.