Saturday, April 22, 2017

I Had No Idea (anything could hurt this badly)

Lord, I feel so empty, like I am living a dream, a nightmare that I cannot awaken from. I try to do the things that I know have to be done. But my life has become robotic, I feel as if I am going through the motions and nothing more. I find myself often stopping in mid stride to simply stare off into the distance as if I am trying to see something not there. As if I am trying to recognize the person I have become and the life that is now mine. Somewhere, I feel as if I have left the person I was, lost myself in this new state and not sure where to look to find me. So here I am Lord, here I am, whoever I am now.
 I had no idea, that things would change like this, with only a few words. I hear them Lord, over and over, echoing in my mind and heart. It couldn't be true, it shouldn't be true, don't let it be true, but it was, it was true. That one person telling me that my husband had been found deceased, my shouts of no, and the tears that would not, will not fall. Why Lord, can I not cry? Why do the tears lurk, just on the edge, just behind my eyes and not fall? Why does my heart feel daily as if it is breaking over and over again, but yet, it still beats and I still breathe. And I walk this life, trying to find my way.
 I had no idea, the confusion that was to come. All of the things that would need to be done, many that still need to be done. I ask questions and I get answers but I remain confused on some things. I do believe, Lord, that I remain even today, in a shocked state of denial. I know he is gone. I know that after the fight and delay in getting him home, that finally he was laid to rest. I know he is gone, but I still wait, and wish and hope for something that will never come. My brother's family and my cousins sent flowers, living plants that I have on the porch. They greet me every time I approach the door, every time I leave, I see them. A living reminder of love.
 I  had no idea, that the pain would be so bad, so strong, so unending. I can be going about my day, everything seemingly okay and it strikes out of nowhere. The sharp pain of remembrance, the reminder, that he is gone. That he left and I am alone. I will not hear his voice again in this life. I will not feel him near, touch his face, hold his hand. I will not get to argue over silly things, ask for goofy things, do the things together that we so enjoyed. How was it, that he filled my life so much, that there is such an empty spot inside me now? How is it, that I miss the things that so frustrated me before? The things that I would fight to ignore just because I knew he was doing it to annoy me, I knew he was doing it, to get attention. How is it, that I miss all of that so badly now? That I would love just one more time, to hear him pecking on the wall, yawning in that exaggerated fashion, complaining that there was nothing on television to watch.
 I had no idea, that night would be so hard. That when I went about the usual evening activities, it would be so difficult. The simple act of feeding the dogs, making sure they had fresh water, would hurt so badly. Hearing you in my mind, asking if it had been done. Had they been taken care of? That as I turn out the lights, make sure the doors are locked, and make my way toward the bed, my steps would slow and I would dread the turning back of the covers. Why, does setting my alarm clock for the morning, hurt? I have all the radios in the house now on a faith based station, the one on the head of the bed playing softly all night. I find myself walking all during the night, the songs a comfort as I draw his pillow close. I'm sleeping in one of his shirts, it only helps a little. How is it, that it hurts so badly? He wasn't home that much. His job taking him away most of the time, he was home only a couple of days a month, but this is different. This time I know, he isn't coming back, never coming back. So the ceiling fan turns on high, just like he liked it, I pull his pillow close and I try to sleep. Try to find an escape in sleep that I can't find in the day.
 I had no idea, that this one necklace would become so dear. He bought it for me almost two years ago, but I was afraid to wear it. The chain so very small, and I such a klutz when it comes to fragile things. This necklace has proven itself stronger so far than me. I have only taken it off once and that was when I had my mammogram. I wasn't risking it during that test. I had it back on shortly afterwards. It was a gift from my husband and I do treasure it now. Now more than ever before.
 I had no idea, that when he bought me those roses, it would be the last flowers he bought for me. He knew how much I loved flowers, and was always giving in to my, just one more plea. I was so afraid that they would die before I could get them planted. When the weather finally turned warm enough and the signs were right, James helped me get them planted. They look good, but I need to get something to keep the bugs off of them. I'm sure there is something natural that I can use that won't risk hurting the bees or butterfly. There was several roses that I thought had died, but they have come back out, and others have grown like crazy. I wonder.... Its funny, we could never get grass to grow in the yard, but now, grass is slowly spreading. I wonder...
  I had no idea, no idea that I would miss that crazy man this much. That I would lose me in the process of losing him. I am trying, but I have little to no desire to do the things that I loved so much before. I look out the door, see the beautiful day, see that flowers and trees are blooming, but I have no desire to pick up my cameras and go try to capture it. Part of me wants to go do things, but then, I quickly lose the desire, depressed? Possibly. Lonely, most definitely. Praying? Always.
Because I had no idea, that anything could hurt this badly.

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