I went to church tonight, yeah, I know, that is something I haven't been doing very often I know. They were talking this morning about how they felt it was important for us to be there and that the staff was going to share some things that was on their minds. Things that they had been praying about. To be honest, I wasn't planning on going, but through the day I felt that I should be there. I waited until the last minute to start preparing supper so that maybe I could use that as an excuse not to go. But supper got ready, I got ready and with only fifteen minutes to get there, I left for church. When I arrived I saw that there was already a good many people there.
When it got underway, each staff member took a turn and got up to speak. They were very honest in what and how they were feeling. How they felt as if they had allowed other things to prevent them from doing what they ought to be doing. They were doing their jobs, but were not doing what as Christians we are called to do, share love and share the Gospel. Each had their reasons, none of which they were proud of.
Afterwards there were individuals who shared what was on their minds, shared their experiences. I remained in my seat and I remained quiet, but the words were churning inside.
You know I believe that we each have at least one gift, some have many, but we all have at least one. I believe that we are to use those gifts to the best of our ability. After listening to everyone tonight, I feel as if I have, but yet have not. And you my love, are a part of that. For as long as I can remember, I've loved to write. From the moment I was capable to stringing sentences together, I was writing. I've been writing a good bit since you left, most of it about or to you. I believe, that those writings can be, and have been a manner of using that gift and sharing more than just my missing you.
Many people know of our Christianity, I think many may be reading, just to see how I will react to certain things. Your loss, the things dealing with getting your earthly body home, the financial struggles, the frustrations of every day stuff, the missing you... the list goes on. Thinking that, I have to be careful in what I write, but yet I want to write from the heart. I think that, even though you're gone, you're still being used in a sense. Your life and your death is a tool and a doorway to expressing and sharing not only how I feel, but how God is sustaining me through this process and journey.
People have been praying for me and James since they heard. Those prayers have been answered in a mighty way. When I have felt alone, when I felt a sadness so deep I thought I was drowning, when the darkness felt overwhelming, I felt His presence and His comfort surrounding me. Through the darkness, I saw His light, guiding me. When I felt weak, and I have felt weak often, He has been my strength.
When you left, many people gifted us financially. It has been a great blessing as it has kept us able to pay bills without concern as we wait for insurance settlements. I know, your first thought was that we would never be able to pay them back, but hon, you miss the point of being blest while being a blessing. Those who gave gifts, don't expect repayment, their rewards are in Heaven and will be great.
People have asked if there is anything they can do for us. Even today, nearly two months after your passing, someone asked me that. I still don't usually know how to answer that question, but considering who asked, I gave them an actual answer. Oh, and there may be someone who can come by one day and help get your flagpole up. I just need to find the post hole diggers and a weird shovel that he said was needed.
My point in all of this is just that, even though you are already there in Heaven, God is still allowing me to use you to further the knowledge of Him. I can share how He has sustained me, I can share how He has given me a peace that surpasses all understanding-- even and especially mine. I have felt His forgiveness in the guilt I have felt during this storm. I felt that maybe if I had done this or that or been a better this or that, then maybe.. It is giving people a chance to be a blessing for us and me able to share in the only way I currently am able, with words. I have never felt comfortable speaking, I get all tongue tied, but writing, I'm very happy hiding somewhere and putting word to print. I can say my heart and hopefully be clear.
I love you Hon and I do miss you, and I thank God every day that He is allowing me to use you to share His love, His hope, His peace, His forgiveness.