I had to go back to Walmart today, they had ordered that tube of ointment for my eyes. I was so tired of waking up ever morning feeling as if someone was sticking pins in my eyes, I was ready to pay the price for the stuff. While I was in there I thought I'd buy some ice cream. I had noticed a man in the store earlier, but not really paid attention as I was on a, stop the pain mission. Now, as I turned the corner into the frozen foods aisle, there he was coming toward me. He didn't see me, see my reaction, he was busy shopping. His focus on the frozen prepared meals.
He looked so much like you. His looking at those dinners, reminded me of you, as you made ready to leave out. He had the same body build only he was a little larger than you. His hair was white and he was the same height as you. He looked, so much like you. I was taken aback, had to keep walking, to quickly get past him, I didn't want to be caught staring. I didn't know if I could explain, why I was staring.
I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, there is a file cabinet drawer tagged, open at strange times. Inside, in a large folder, is a list of all the things that are going to happen when I least expect them. I'm sure, that I know a lot of what is on this list, I just refused to consider or worry about them. Which is why I was caught so unaware.
I've spoken online with people who have lost loved ones, they told me that the same thing has happened to them, many times over. Maybe then, maybe, just maybe, next time, I won't stare or be so inconsiderate. Maybe, I won't run like a coward, afraid to face a memory.
I'm still trying to learn how to face things, adapt to doing things without you.
There's no one to fight over the cart with when I go shopping. I don't have to worry about looking for something I need, find it, turn around to put it in the buggy and you and it be gone. Four or more aisles over you look surprised when you look up and see me and my exasperated look, "You looking for me?" always your question.
James and I can eat when we're ready, no one has to remind us twenty times that its in there, seems I would know that as usually I'm the one who cooked.
I could write a list a mile long and still be writing. The thing is, I miss all of those things. I was listening to His Radio on the way home yesterday, the lady on the air was talking about the sequel to Frozen coming out in about 2 years. She asked if you could freeze one moment, what would it be? For a moment, I would freeze that morning. I would stop long enough that right before we disconnected, I would tell you, that I love you. Even though you were in such a hurry, I would get that said. I'll always remember you saying, "Let me go." I really doubt, that you had any idea exactly where you were going.
I do miss you. I am learning how to handle things. Maybe, I'll even be ready next time I see someone who looks so much like you.
I think though, that maybe, just maybe, it was a reminder, sort of like a living sticky note, that you're okay and that I'm not alone. Maybe, it was one of those, have heart, everything will be okay, moments. Maybe, I'm learning to open my eyes, and see things that are meant to be a reminder that I am a child of God and He will never leave me alone. Especially in this.