Funeral Bill Came, one more reminder you're gone

The bill from the funeral home arrived. I knew how much it would be, knew it was coming eventually. Still, when I opened that envelope, saw the amount I expected, it was just one more reminder. You aren't coming home.

 Oh, I know. I know that you are in a much better place than this. I know that you're healthy again, you can breath without problems. I know that all of the other medical battles you fought are ended now. I know, that now instead of jockeying a big rig up and down America's highways, fighting to find places and get there on time, you now walk those streets of gold. Instead of dealing with what you considered rude dock workers, you are now listening to the angels and walking with Jesus. I know all of that.

 It still hurts.

 The shock has worn off some. I'm no longer wanting to scream at people, telling them they're wrong. They have to be wrong, have the wrong person, that you are just having problems with the truck or qualcom, your phone isn't working again, something, anything that would have you coming home. But, you're not coming back here.

 I'm learning to deal with it by writing, constantly it seems, about your leaving. I'm trying to work though all of the emotions and struggles this way. I've been told that my writing is helping others. I don't know that to be true, I don't know how my struggling will hep others, but it so, then let it be. If it helps one person or one hundred, then that's a good thing. That it eases a little of the struggle, a little of the pain. It is mine. I'm not keeping it all locked inside, the pain in my chest, that inability to breathe has eased.

So I write.

Before the funeral bill arrived I received a letter from someone wanting to "invite me to view gravemarkers". I was blindsided a bit by that one as it came in a plain, white business envelope with no indication as to what was inside. I didn't throw it away, but I did slide it out of sight for now. I know that I will have to see to that eventually, but not today.

 We're still waiting on the official death certificate. The one telling us the reason you left. Everyone seems to believe it was a heart attack or heart related. I know that as far as one thing goes, knowing the real reason won't make a difference. You're still gone, whether it was due to a heart attack, an asthma attack, complications from the flu that you thought you were coming down with. None of that matters, you are and always will be gone.

 I'll send word to the funeral home and acknowledge that I received the letter. They know we're still waiting on that paper so I can work on getting your insurance dollars. Once I have that, then I can start paying a few of  those bills off or way down.

The funeral home bill came, other will follow, but I know that all I can do, all I will do is take it one day, one step, one breath and one prayer at a time. It will work out, I have faith.

Through the Night

Its that time once again

when the night grows dark

the hour late

my body grows weary

but my mind fears

I dislike, so dislike this time

when I know, even as I dread

that I must call it done

turn out, shut off, walk away

lock doors, feed cats, night lights on

as I trudge wearily through

rituals of the evening

accomplished, yes, done

delaying tactics, for I know

sleep will be elusive

rest will not be

my mind does not stop

missing you

my heart cries out

the pain that is real

missing you

the hour grows late

the body weary

even as I know

no matter how comfortable the bed

how right the pillow

fans turning, stirring the night air

the dreams that play just outside of remembrance

the mind that won't stop remembering

 the heart that won't stop yearning

the part of me, that yearns, that wishes

but that knows

I dread this time

so I pray

a mantra of pleas

a mantra of praise

as I seek rest, sweet rest,

a time once again to sleep

through the night

Only One Anchor, can keep me secure in this stormy sea of life

I have not been the same since March 7th, and I know I never will be. I do not however, have to allow those changes to break who I am. Since March 7th, since I got the word that my husband had passed, I've gone through all of the emotions in this  perpetual circle. I make my way out of one, to find the next. They either seep in slowly, wait around a peaceful corner and attack, or as a flash flood, suddenly appear without warning, threatening to carry me away. Over and over, I have dealt with them, over and over I have survived their onslaught.

 The anger that makes me want to break things. The anger that has me wanting to scream out.

 The depression that has me standing, staring out the window, or sitting in his rocker on the porch, just gazing out across the yard.

 The sadness that chokes the very breath from my lungs, leaving me with a pain of longing to see, to hear, to touch him once again.

 The determination that this is not going to destroy me, as I through myself into the things not yet done.

 The feelings of wanting to be alone and yet the feelings of needing to be with others.

 The hunger, and then the lack of any desire to eat.

Generally, I am not that emotional a person. I feel and act on emotions, but they do not control me as these try. I have said that anger and acting out on it, was a wasted emotion. I have said that one does not need to remain sad, or alone. Maybe, just maybe, I am to learn the lesson here that emotions are never wasted, as long as we do not allow them to control us, or to cause pain to others. Maybe, I am to learn, that we are all emotional, and those emotions have purpose. Maybe, I am to learn, that emotions are like the seas, one moment calm and serene, the next angry and dangerous. One never knows what lurks behind that next wave.

In all of the battles with my emotions, in the midst of this raging sea of feelings, the boat that is my life has rocked, rolled and nearly swamped many times. In all of this, I have held fast to the anchor of my life. I have watched His light, guide me forward from the storm.

In the beatitudes, the Lord said, "blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:4) I cling to that verse as I cling to the hem of His garment and the cross on which He died. I KNOW, He is with me through all of this. I have seen His presence not only in this storm, but in the blessings we have been given through others.

 When a need has arisen, He has answered that need. We need a new furnace and repairs to the roof. A gift arrived in the mail that will go a long way toward, if not completely taking care of that need. I have also been told that one may have a furnace unit that I can have, they were going to check on it then get back to me.

 My husband was one that always wanted to be one month ahead of the bills in the bank account. He was, but that wasn't going to be enough. Enough money was sent to me, by different avenues, that will cover next months bills. I pray that we will have received the death certificates by then so that I can start the process of getting his life insurance and paying off many things.

 We have not gone hungry physically. I do work a full time job, but many fed us during the initial  time of sorrow, and there are those who still ask or have given us gift cards to restaurants we enjoy.

 We do not hunger spiritually, as I have felt the presence, the comfort, the love not only of the prayers of our many friends, but of the very presence of the Lord as He walks with me, His Light of Love, guiding me through this darkness and back into the light. His love the ranibow promised in and after the storm.

 And right now, this is a raging storm with many concerns, the raging winds of anger, the pounding rains of hurt, the waves of confusion, all batter the boat that is my life, but there is only one Anchor, and I cling to that, knowing, in time, this will be done, this too, shall pass.

So Very Angry at You

Yes, we are angry. We are very angry at you. But I am going to speak for me, and the anger that burns inside. The anger that I try and suppress because. I really want to yell at you. I want to scream and shout and just be angrier than you ever saw in our 32 years of marriage. I want to pound the walls, stomp and throw things. I want to break things. I want you to know just how angry I am, but you're not here.

You didn't listen. Oh you heard what we were saying. You heard us tell you, ask you, BEG you to get up and move more. You would make a joke out of  it when we went shopping and you had to walk a little bit. Saying that I was making you get your exercise in for the day. I wanted to do more. I wanted you to get in better shape. I wanted to do the things we once did. Climb mountains, hike trails, go places and you not have to stop repeatedly to catch your breath. I wanted you healthier, I admit it, I was greedy, I wanted you here with me longer. I asked you, when it was safe, when you stopped at a truck stop or rest area, to walk if possible. To park as far away from the building as was safe and walk back and forth. If it was safe and if it was daylight, to walk around the truck or walk around part of the parking area. I begged you to move more. You had exercise bands, I have no idea what happened to them, they may have been thrown away not knowing what they were, or you may have lost them at some point when you had to change trucks. It doesn't matter, I doubt you used them anyway. If only, if only you had moved just a bit more. If only you had tried, but you didn't try. You didn't try and I'm so angry.

 We tried to get you to eat better, to eat just a little less. That part you were actually working on. I remember the days when you would embarrass us at the buffet when you would come back with a plate so full we were amazed that it all stayed on there. Wishing above wishing that you would slack off. You did, start to do just that, but you still did not eat healthy. You complained that was difficult on the truck. Yes, I know, but others do it. It just takes a little more effort than popping something into a microwave. I even bought you that ninja cooker, the one sitting on the counter here that you never tried. I made a special effort to save you portions of what we had here, freezing them so that they would fit into the small freezer that you had. You said that you actually liked them even if they didn't have meat. But it was too little, too late.

 We tried, really tried, to get you to work at losing some of the extra weight that you carried around the middle. I told you of all the reports that said that all of that belly fat caused so many problems. I told you that if you would lose that, you would ease a lot of your medical problems. It was just too difficult. The way you chose to eat and the lack of exercise, it simply wasn't - didn't happen.

 We tried, to get you to calm down. You would get so very frustrated out there. You didn't have a smart phone so you had to rely on us to go online here at home and help you find places and how to get in and around them. Many times we had to do a search and find because your information was limited. Many times your dispatcher was the one finding what you needed. He did have access to things we do not. You would get so worked up, so afraid, when your hours were limited and you feared being late or running out of time and not being able to get there at all. It always worked out in the end, but you always had to get so angry. You feared losing the job I know. You liked this job and the people, you enjoyed driving for a change but the frustrations always got you. Even as we tried to calm you down. How many times did you hang up on me? How many times did you tell me that you never could get us to do anything, simply because it took us a while to find what you needed? We tried to calm you, but you didn't listen.

 I'm so angry at you. I need you here, to help me with things that I have never had to do before. I need you here to help me handle the things I don't want to handle. I want you here to tell me a million times what you're going to do, or need to do, all the while knowing you aren't going to do any of it. I need you here to help make decisions. I need you to ask me if I want that shirt or those flowers or tell me that once the Discover Loan is paid of you're going to buy me a new car because the Explorer has seen better days. I'm angry, because I'm having to stand here, look out the window at the same scene that was there yesterday and the day before, and yet it is so different because you will never cross that yard again. I'm so angry because I'll never hear you shouting across the house asking me something I can't hear, for me to get up walk in there and have you ask me to get you a cup of coffee, meaning I have to walk back across the house, prepare it and then take it back..I'm angry, because I'll never hear you call me, I'll never see you walk in that door again, I'll never see you throwing sticks for the dog, or handing me that bag of laundry as you sheepishly mention that you should have done some of it on the road..I'll never feel your arms around me again, or hear you complain that you don't want any of that vegetable crap, lets go to the Cracker Barrel.

I'm angry at you, and there's nothing I can do about it but pray. Take it one day, one step, one breath, one prayer at a time and wait for the anger to pass as I go through the process called grieving.

Resurrection Sunday without you

You won't believe this honey, but James got up early and went to Sunrise Service this morning. He needed to be there to do sound checks and all that after the service to be ready for the regular service and the songs they had planned. I actually remembered to take the flowers that I got for you, I know, I know, you aren't a flower person, but you will not be forgotten and a few flowers won't hurt. Besides, you're not there, just the shell of your body is there, you are already in Heaven with our Lord. You, dear husband got to celebrate with Jesus and all of the others who have gone before. I'm sure that Heavenly choir of angels was amazing.

 Scott delivered the message at the Sunrise Service. As usual, he delivered it well. An explanation, an invitation to get to know our Savior. A reminder of how He died for us, even then, so long ago, it was still for us today. There was no time limit or expiration date, there is no statute of limitations on that merciful gift. That gift of grace and forgiveness.  No, Scott didn't say all of that quite that way, but that is how I see it and you know that. The discussions that we had, as you sought to understand better. Now, my love, you have the Master Himself explaining. How much better is that?

 They had food afterwards, biscuits and other things, James didn't want any as they all had meat in them and the muffins were, by appearance the kind dripping with sugar. The stuff that you like, but James is trying to avoid as much as possible. I didn't eat any of it either, it just didn't look appetizing to me.

 I had a little over an hour before Bible Study so I sat at one pf the picnic tables for a while enjoying the breeze. James was there until he had to go help with the sound checks. Pastor Sandy came over and visited with us for a while, talking and offering what answers he could which wasn't much. There really isn't much one can say, only offer to be there, to listen, to help as they are able. After James left I walked over and sat in the car while I waited for time to go to class. It was peaceful and calming, but lonely as well. If you had been here, we would have been in there as you took advantage of the biscuits.

  James came down and sat in Barry's class with me. He seemed a bit bored or distracted at first, but by the end of the class he was listening. I don't know if and when he might go back, but he knows he's welcome.

 The service was wonderful, but you know how Sandy does a great job with the message, making so that any and all can understand. He explained the importance of the resurrection and what it means to us. You, of course already know because you have already made it to Heaven. You have left your earthly body behind and are walking the golden roads.

 I want you to know, even as I would never ask you to leave that and come back here, I miss you. James and Deanna miss you. James is angry, I, well I'm not sure how I feel. Its different on different days. I haven't spoken much with Deanna, but her words on social media are so sad. Today was another first, Resurrection Sunday, Easter Sunday, without you. For the first time in years, there was no one asking if I were going to dye eggs and when I said no, then asked, well why not?

Why not indeed..I should have dyed the eggs...

In Need of Alone Time

I needed a distraction. I needed something to take my mind off of the sadness that seems embedded within. I needed something that would be constructive and yet give me time alone. Raking, would be that very thing.

 I have a nice, big yard. In that yard are several large Oak trees. Those Oaks drop enough leaves in the fall that if they were nickles I'd have no money worries. But they aren't nickles, they are leaves and they needed to be raked. Why now and not in the autumn when they fell? I let them remain where they fall to help give insects a place to hide, a covering for plant life resting in the ground. It gives me a nice excuse for not doing something I don't like to do to begin with. But I needed alone time now and that would sure give it to me. I wanted the leaves gone so that no snake would use them as a hiding place. There is also the fact that as long as those leaves were on the ground, nothing would grow right. So, I had all the reasons I needed to get the job done.

 I found an old mattress cover and used it to drag the leaves out of the yard. I said that I needed alone time, and I got it, except for Bella, my German Shepherd Dog, who followed my every step and stayed directly in my path as I tried to rake. I will give her credit for obeying my command to move, every single time. One time when I had dragged a load of leaves across the yard and to the woods, I tripped and landed on my knees in the leaves. Bella started toward me, checking to make sure I was okay. She's a good friend. It took several hours to get it all done. I drank several several glasses of iced green tea, I stopped briefly a couple of times, but slowly and surely I managed to get all of the leaves, even those that had laid there for a couple of years, out of the garden area. My hands throbbed from gripping the rack, but the cleared yard looked much better. All the while I was raking, I thought of little else but raking, dragging the leaves away and not falling again.

 I have the rest of the yard that needs to be cleared of sticks, rocks, and is some areas leaves, but I will get them a little along. With Bella out there it is difficult to get the sticks as she thinks I am supposed to throw them all for her to chase and return.

 After resting briefly I asked my son to go with me to put a rabbit fence up around the small garden that we planted the day before. I did not want what we planted to become a rabbit's salad. I still have to find a way to deter the deer, but that is something I will work on. James went with me and together we worked getting the fence up and secure. He hammered the short fence posts into the ground and together we pulled the fence tight enough and secured it. Once that was in place we went ahead and put tomato cages over the tomatoes while they were small enough to do it easily. Working together we got a lot done much quicker than I would have been able to by myself.

 I came back to the house and waited for the sun to lower below the tree line then went back down and watered the plants, the tomaotes getting the most as some were showing signs of distress. I understood the feeling.

 I noticed that Wisteria was blooming down at mom's not too far from the garden. Though it was getting late in the afternoon, closer to evening, I decided to do something I had not done in a while. I was going to take some photos of the flowers. I love photographing flowers but I couldn't bring myself to do it as I once had. My husband was no longer here to see what I captured, it seemed almost futile. There wasn't a lot of point to it now. I missed it, but I didn't feel right traipsing around with my cameras, doing things I liked, when my husband wasn't here. He used to ask why James and I were doing certain things like going to the local theme park, when he wasn't here and couldn't go. James and I quit doing a lot of things after that, when he wasn't here. I think a bit of that is what is causing my reluctance to wander about camera in hand. But the urge was strong so grab my camera I did and started taking some photos. My son had bought some flowers for me yesterday and a hanging basket this morning. I photographed that and then headed up the driveway to photograph the Wisteria growing in my yard. As I walked up the drive I was greeted by a wonderful surprise, a flower that my husband had purchased last year, that I thought had died not only was alive, but had large beautiful blooms. After trying to capture it with the camera I wandered around my yard and my parent's yard photographing what I found. I had waited to late to go down into the woods, but that was fine. I was finding plenty here.

 Once I finished that, I decided that I would feed my roses. Grabbing the watering bucket I filled it then added fertilizer to the water. Walking once again up the drive way I watered and fed each rose bush carefully. I then fed the flower surprise and a couple others with what was left in the bucket.

 All of the work was beginning to catch up with me. I felt tired and my body hurt from the activities of the day. I hurt, but I felt good. I had set aside just for a little while the pain of missing my husband. I showed myself that I could do something on my own. My husband is still gone. I am still finding my way without him. But after today, I feel a little stronger, a little more capable, even as I know, it is one day, one step, one breath, one prayer at a time.

Broken Sleep Patterns

It happened again last night. After finally drifting off into sleep, clutching my husband's pillow tightly, the awakenings began.  I think last night I made it almost to midnight before they started. Of course it was after ten thirty before I went to bed, so that really isn't saying much. I refuse, for now, to try and take anything that will help me rest. My fear is that it will put me to sleep, Benedril does make me sleepy,  but not help with the awakenings. With every time I awaken, my rest is broken. I work a full time job from eight am to four pm. I work around machinery, I need my rest. I have things to do here, I need a clear mind to help sort through all this that has been left for me to handle by my husband's death. I have to be able to deal with issues that have arisen that he would have handled, if he were still with us. How am I going to do that, with such a lack of rest?

 If I'm going to get more and better rest, I'm going to have to start trying different things to see what will work. Things that do not as I said, involve medication of any kind, over the counter or prescribed.

 As it is, right now when I awaken, I do not get up. I try not to toss and turn too much, only allowing myself to find a comfortable position and then being as still as possible, waiting on the return to sleep. I've removed all unnecessary covers from the bed so that it isn't too hot. I've taken the over abundance of pillows away and use only what I need for comfort. I do not turn the television on, but I do play a radio softly. I don't talk to Bella, my German Shepherd unless she gets right up in my face. I don't have a smart phone so I'm not on the phone at a late hour, and there isn't a phone by my bed at all at the moment. All these things that I'm not doing, aren't helping. Changes are in order.

 I drink a lot of coffee, when I say a lot, I mean a lot. I am never far from a cup of coffee, and even if  that  cup of coffee gets cold, as it often does at work, I can still drink it and go on. I always have one on hand when I'm home, I've carried coffee with me when I go out. I have it all the time.  It has never bothered me before, but, I was not this old before and I wasn't a new widow. Both I think are working against me. The all powerful, They; say to stop drinking caffeinated beverages early in the afternoon. They, also say that green tea is good for you, so I may try to adjust to drinking green tea in the afternoon and evenings. I believe that most of those are naturally decaffeinated but I'll have to check and make sure, otherwise I'm not doing myself any favors. I know there are also teas that are supposed to help you relax, but again, more research is needed on that one as well.

 They, say to get away from all electronics at least an hour, two is better, before bed time. It seems that the lights from what ever device, be it television, computer, video games or smart phones, suppresses the body making the hormone melatonin, which is what signals time for sleep.*

So rather than sit here in front of the computer until right before I call it a night, I may begin to call it done earlier and spend some time reading. There are many books here that I could spend some time in, whether educating myself, easing the pain over my loss, or simply escaping into someone's created world.

 They, say not to exercise too late as your body doesn't have time to recover. They have also said that exercise helps you work out the stress of the day.

 They, say find a way to relax, to escape from the stress of the day. To ease away from the jacked up mind, emotions of electronics.

 I live in an area where I have access to many hiking trails, and even room behind the house to escape and rest. The ones away from the house my Bella will be going with me, as I don't care to go alone.

 I'm going to be researching more ways to try and get my full night of sleep back. It may be, that no matter what I try, the main thing that will help will be when I get the death certificate and I can get everything finally settled and my mind will be at a greater sense of ease. We'll see.